…do not do as the tourists do.
Unless you want to stick out like a sore thumb. Like Arundhati Roy at an RSS morning meeting. Like Jaya Bachchan in Raj Sabha. Like, umm, a tourist in New york. New Yorkers are cruel people. They will bite you. They will trample you. They will take you for a ride, charge double the regular fare, and then show you a finger.
Here’s some tips on how you can avoid becoming one of those tourists.
When in New york, never:
Walk around with a large unfolded subway map in hand. That’s a litmus test for tourists. Even if you need to carry one, don’t make it worse. Do NOT look lost. Act as if you are a map salesman, or just verifying that the map is accurate.
Smile at people. If you are a guy, don’t smile at young pretty girls as they pass by. This would be interpreted as a pass, and you might get a frown, or a finger. Unless of course, you do intend to hit on them. If you are a guy, certainly don’t smile at young guys passing by. Unless…you know! Smiling at random people might be appropriate in other American cities. Not in New york.
Resist if somebody tries to mug you at 2 am in the lower east side. You will not save the 50 dollars in your pocket, but you might lose something slightly more important. Your life. New Yorkers are known to walk with two wallets in their pockets, one of them specifically for prospective muggers. When stopped in the middle of the night, just throw your wallet at them and run for your life. Unless you are Sunny Deol. Heck, even if you are, just run for your life.
Go around with a camera hanging around your neck. That’s a dead giveaway. Do not stop suddenly on a sidewalk, and then take a minute to take a picture of your wife and kids. If you must act touristy, do not hold up people while you do your thing. They will wait for ten seconds, then walk right into the frame. Don’t complain then that New yorkers don’t know their manners.
Stand on the Escalator waiting for it to go up. Or down. If you must, do not block the fast lane for people to pass. New yorkers don’t have that much time. They make things happen. They will not take the stairs, but run up escalators. It doubles the rate of ascent (pun alert!).
Block the doors of a packed uptown 6 train at 5:30pm. You will not get glared at. You will just get trampled under the million people getting in, and the million getting out. A peak hour New york commuter is a lion ready to go, and you would not come out of a train encounter unscathed.
Wait for the walking man road signal to cross the roads. That’s a sure fire tourist test. In other cities people wait patiently at sidewalks for their turn to cross the road. In New york, people just cross the road when they want, traffic or no traffic. See next point.
Rush while crossing a road. No self respecting New yorker ever rushes while jay walking crossing a road, even if there is a Hummer approaching at 5 miles per gallon 150 miles per hour. They can wait.
Walk on the Sidewalk in a file of four, eating your shish kabab, holding hands. That’s quite a sight. We pity you, but the one glance we can afford while rushing past your pitiful group will make our lives just a wee bit more enjoyable. We may enjoy, but for your sake don’t do it.
Go to Times Square. Times Square is a hoax. It is just a bunch of billboards and ten million tourists taking pictures. There is nothing there. Real New yorkers never go there. No. They walk a couple of blocks extra if it helps them avoid the area. Times Square is where you all are. Go there if you want to exchange notes with fellow tourists, or share your stories.
Form an Impression of America. New york is NOT America. New York is a Pandora’s box. New York is the best of the world. It is a veritable museum of society. It is a city of plenty. Plenty of cultures. Plenty of languages and accents. Plenty of food. Plenty of young people. Plenty of rich people. Plenty of Jews. Plenty of Indians. Plenty of nice people. Plenty of taxes. Plenty of rude people. New York is a different story altogether.
(Now try saying plenty twenty one times, just for fun)
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[...] Block the doors of a packed uptown 6 Train at 5:30pm. You will not get glared at. You will just get trampled under the million people getting in, and the million getting out. A peak hour New york commuter is a lion ready to go, …[Continue Reading] [...]
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Very good post
Thanks for the serious and funny tips! Quite shocked to know about the walking man signal though. But I guess it’s city traffic, so the vehicles can’t speed as much!
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Actually from a recent experience I can say, dont save your wallet anywhere. Save your life. But yuo have opened my eyes to jaywalking in New York! Hail the rights of pedestrians
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wow… great post… thanks for the tips…
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@Kiran – Thanks. Regarding jay walking, the first time i came to Newyork i went into shock seeing how people crossed roads. They had no fear at all. It was awe inspiring!
@Poonam – Aww…sounds like you have a sad story there! Yes, save your life first. These are bad times!
@Chiranjib – Welcome to Amreekandesi. Thanks for the appreciation!
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Haha! Every word is true! I was in NYC for a year, and I totally agree with all these things, especially Tiems Square! No matter what part of the world you’re from, if you stand in Times Square and shout out a curse word in your native language, someone will respond in the same language!
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Nice post on NY!! My sister living in suburbs of Paris tells me that the pedestrian is the king there. And people are so courteous.
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@Nikhil – Welcome to Amreekandesi.
Glad to see you recognize these classical New York traits. And that thing about shouting out in some foreign language – so very true!
@Reema – Thanks. Never been to Paris, but good to hear that they have courteous people there. New Yorkers are not really famous for courtesy
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Thank you for the tips…guess I will be hiring a touring company if I ever do visit, nay, if I ever HAVE to visit.
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@Mysoul – Sounds like i did a good job of discouraging you. Things are not so bad.
Despite all these traits, Newyork is an amazing place to live in. I have been living in this madness for a couple years, and wouldnt move anywhere else.
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New here….cool post. I live in NJ.
I try to give people such tips when they come visiting to NY. Now, I’ll refer them to you.
Cheers.
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@Settlers – Thanks. Welcome to Amreekandesi!
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Pedestrian is a king here(India) too, that is a different thing that people in automobiles are always trying to overthrow him/his rule.
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LOL….Humorous to the last point…
I visited Switzerland once..The only rulers are pedestrians… No matter what the car, Mercedes, Ferrari, Lexus, Porsche.. they all would hail STOPPED, once a human sets foot on the zebra crossing… My first time, both, the driver of a Merc and me, stood staring at each other.. then he motioned me to cross.. then I realized the heaven I am in….
Gosh, back in India, it took 3 seconds and a screeching horn to bring me back to reality…
New York should be fun….
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@Anshul – Welcome to Amreekandesi! For Indian pedestrians, American roads are a dreamland!
You stop at an intersection for the car to pass, and the car stops because the driver is scared of running you down. Eventually the driver gestures to you to cross the road, and only moves when you are done.
@rush.Me – Welcome to Amreekandesi! Thanks for the appreciation
Your story is just what i described! You try doing this in India and you would become a statistic in the department of public health/road transport!
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I don’t know about that mugging thing. Manhattan is probably one of the safest areas of any city in the world. And even if someone did try to mug you, there are so many people within screaming distance at any time that they would be too scared to try anything (Unless they were very drunk). It’s a safe place.
But you definitely don’t want to look like a tourist. New Yorkers don’t like dealing with them because they have to put up with heavy tourism every day.
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I live in NYC and like the funny way you have put this. Yes, sadly NY is not America. Like other people here, I rush up escalators and get annoyed when 4 people walk in a file on the sidewalk thus blocking people from overtaking them. And yes, Timesquare is nothing but glittering rubbish.
Also if you dare to smile in a crowded subway train, you will be looked as a pervert. Which is why you get those free Metro and AM/NY newspapers so you can bury your nose in them and avoid eye contact!
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@Ravi – Welcome to Amreekandesi!
Very interesting…the point about the free AM/NY papers!
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I completely loved this post ( and your blog ). I lived in upstate NY for three years , and worked in Manhattan for a while… I could completely relate to this.
Back in India now and loving the life here too…. but of course I do miss America.
I guess I should keep reading your blog to convince my mind that I am in the right place now
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@Divya – You are really in right place as being alien in AMERICA is no good ,at least here you are rcognised and here are who cares for you and living in your country and having easy access to every one who matters you at the odd times and even in good times also gives happiness which one can not dream of with people having totally different culture, values and principles of living.Again,.with best wishes . you are perfectly in right place and have taken right decisionbut all depends upon one’s perception of life and of couse about too much money
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Resist if somebody tries……had a good laugh reading that…stumbled across your blog and got to say its one of the better blogs around…
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Rajinder,
Thanks so much for responding to my comment! Your words are so re-assuring!!
Thanks so much for the same and I pray everyday that I should never regret the move back!
Divya
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That was an amazing list! I have been in this city for almost three years…and I endorse every one of the above points! Before that, I used to live in Mumbai…u know…same blood!
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Nice tips. That was both funny and useful. Liked the way it was written.
Nice sharing.
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what a great post!
i’ve been in NYC for a few years now and i love it – and testify to all of this being completely accurate! i was tourist in my first week.. and now make fun of tourists like someone who was born here 
how life changes!
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dude.
seriously this is awesome.
not new york (never been there), but ur satire & pun.
worth reading.
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[...] i go. Time to be a tourist in New York and be hated by New [...]
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New York is like Mumbai. She is so bewilderingly big and busy that there is no room for the grievances of the meek who call her their own. It is a perfect example of a Gaussian distribution. Despite all the fringe elements, the crest of normalcy is a reason enough to fall in love with her. The place that gave the world hip hop, jazz, dirty water hot dogs and a theme for many a great films and some trashy sitcoms.
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