Twitter Roundup - Vol 3

Here’s a compilation of some of my funny posts on Twitter from the month of July.

Read and enjoy!

• Young Indian techies don’t need Deepak Chopra. Pizza is much more motivating.
• Isn’t rahul mahajan the ass who laughs like a horse?
• Rahul Mahajan should marry Sarah Jessica Parker. They can then gallop away into the sunset.
• Just how long can desi techies talk before they mention their “years of industry experience”?
• For all fans of crappy whitening creams, I have one word for you. Sandpaper.
• Getting people into a crib session bitching about work can be a great team building activity.
• Don’t beat your wives. Never forget they are the ones cooking what you eat, and poison’s easy to find
• The Great Khali should be made speaker of Parliament. He will bring much needed discipline and glamor.
• Desi tele-serials are god’s gift to the percussion industry. They play dhols all the time. LOUDLY.
• If at first you dont succeed, blog about it.
• Angelina Jolie says she has a dark side. Rumour is she adopted it from Africa.
• Don’t run after fast bucks. They get away rather quickly.
• Behind every crappy software there is a crappy project manager.
• People who drive on the wrong side of the road should be rear-ended. No, not talking about their cars.
• A job at an Indian mall must be a gay man’s dream come true. Nobody escapes the frisking.
• I have already thought up a great headline for when Mamta wins in West Bengal. “There’s nothing LEFT to do”.
• Guinness Book to officially acknowledge India as the largest producer of crap. AajTak made all the difference.
• Delhi Police to launch new service for constipated people. Tagline: “We will beat the crap out of you”.
• Mamta Banerjee gets recurring dreams where she’s randomly driving around Calcutta. She never takes a left turn. Not once.
• In India we just have to go to the doctor. Apples cost Rs 150/kg.
• Is it called breaking news because it makes you want to break the TV? Using your own Head?
• Look at Akshay Kumar on Chak Dhoom Dhoom, grinning away like a Jackass.
• Dear retarded driver out on Delhi’s roads. The left is for Communist crap, not for overtaking.
• ‘hmmm’ is such a perfect conversation killer. Don’t know what to say? Go humming bird.
• Kapil Sibal looks like his eye-brows could use a Lawn Mower.
• How to be funny. 1. Use profanity 2. Sex sells 3. Fuck political correctness 4. Be offensive to at least one group
• IT types love the term ‘backend’. Maybe its because their backends get slammed around so much?
• Anyone heard of the manager who wanted his team to plan sick leaves in advance? By at least 2 weeks?
• ‘Reply All’ has got to be the worst software feature ever. Nothing comes even close in terms of grief caused globally.
• Why do they call it Human Resources when no humans work in that department?
• I wasnt born funny, but they had a picture of Rajnikant in the nursery.
• People who use the word ‘fuck’ most are likely the ones who never really get to.
• The way Krishna and Qureshi have been quarreling, you would think Qureshi’s real name is Godavari.
• The sequel of Inception will be called Conception. Contraception and Deception will follow thereafter.
• Baggage handlers at Delhi airport at it again. Set of stolen balls recovered last night. Rumored to be SM Krishna’s.
• The new rupee symbol is actually Raknikant’s signature. The contest was just masti.
• Nothing screams ‘liar’ louder than reporting to work after a sick day sporting a new haircut.
• Salman making ‘Wanted 2′. It will be titled ‘Unwanted’.
• Sena will burn all copies of Shivaji book. They’ll have to buy them all first, i suppose. Good for the author.
• If the govt takes away all the stones in Kashmir, will the protests stop?
• Every cloud has a silver lining. Everywhere except India. They stole it.
• It’s not like i don’t have a funny bone. It just got fractured.
• n the US, you hit a car, you leave a note. In India, you hit a car, you blame the other guy and ask for damages.
• The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
• With people dying because of Lauki juice, it may be time to find other a-laukic ways to good health.
• A coward dies a thousand deaths. Doesn’t that make him practically immortal?
• Zoel Saldana likes men with smooth palms. Indian govt officers, please take note. You guys have the most greased palms in the world.
• With that name, Dhoni and the wife would make a great couple for detergent ads.
• I miss Sunny Deol. He had such amazing SCREAM presence.

Head over to my Twitter page to check out the latest updates.

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Tags: desi twitter top, funny jokes, indian jokes, political jokes, twitter