21 Tips On Surviving Life in Modern India
Here’s some pointers on leading a happy life in the India of the Gandhis, call centers, Pizza Hut, DLF, and Road Rage.
Read, and learn. Here we go.
1. Be rich. Very rich. Money may not buy happiness, but a Crore or two lying around doesn’t hurt.
2. Don’t buy anything without bargaining. Nothing. It is just against the Indian spirit. If your kid asks for a school trip to Egypt, propose Jaipur. If he turns out to be a bargainer, raise the offer to Aurangabad.
3. Have lots of kids. You must have a doctor, a lawyer, an police officer, and a magistrate in the family. Cant rely on outsiders anymore.
4. Do not watch TV. Colors et al are all channels dedicated to the cause of social injustice and women empowerment; you’ll get bored. Krishi Darshan on DD is more entertaining.
5. Forget that you have a middle finger. We are a peace loving country; no obscenities here please.
6. Chai-Paani is not that. Seriously, who would drink tea and water together. Even kids know what it means.
7. Go private. Prefer ICICI to SBI. Unitech to DDA. FedEx to Speedpost. Airtel to BSNL. You dont want anything to do with the government or their offices. Leave that to the losers.
8. The media is the new government. If you lose as much as a dog, just call up Aajtak. If you can convince them to take up your cause, rest assured a dog will be found, yours or not.
9. When in trouble, claim you are from the media. Nobody messes with the media.
10. Get blocked on Twitter by Chetan Bhagat. You don’t belong to the intelligentsia till you can offend the greatest writer of our times enough to grant you this status symbol.
11. Everything can be outsourced in India. Get a maid, a cook, a driver, a gardener, a body guard, someone to pick your trash. You’ll even find a young engineer to walk your dogs. They are aplenty, and come cheap.
Find a young engineer to walk your dogs. They are aplenty, and come cheap.
12. It is not law and order. It’s law and disorder. Never bother calling up 100. Most likely it will go unanswered, which truly is the best case scenario for you.
13. Do not argue with your sabzi-wallah (vegetable vendor). If he gets pissed, he will not just not sell to you but make sure nobody else does either.
14. Anything can be blamed on Pakistan. Didn’t do your homework – the Pakistanis stole it. Made mistakes in the homework – the Pakistanis stole it and returned a wrong copy.
15. While out and about, make sure you know the name of the area ACP/DCP/Head Constable. If a cop busts you, claim that Mr ACP is your maternal uncle. And hope the person you name isn’t the one stopping you. In which case, god be with you.
16. Don’t go out during the day. Too much traffic. Also, don’t go out in the night. There’s rapists everywhere.
17. Know your cricket. You must know the names of all IPL teams, Tendulkar’s test average, and the marital status of all Indian players. A strong opinion on match fixing will be helpful. If you think short leg is related to a flat foot, then this one needs a lot of work.
If you think short leg is related to a flat foot, then you need to work on your cricket knowledge.
18. Never rant about how bad things are in India. Especially if you are a non resident. Indians dont like outsiders blowing the cover.
19. You can never bad mouth Shahrukh Khan. He has a private army of millions all over the country. For your own safety, claim to be an SRK fan wherever you go. Add that to your introduction. “Myself, Ravi Kumar. 5 years experience in Java, including 4 months and 12 days onsite. Big fan of Shahrukh Khan.”
20. You will be frisked wherever you go. The mall, the movies, the metro, haldirams, the library. Everywhere. Don’t complain – it’s for your own good. Privacy be damned, but at least the terrorists will be thwarted in their plan to blow up the grocery store.
21. If you believe in god, rest assured you will lead a happy life in India. With over a million gods, you can get a dedicated hot line to one of them. Just make sure you do the needful at the local temple.
There. Follow these tips and you will live happily ever after. Just don’t forget our chai paani for showing the path.