Open Letter To Mike Hooper
Dear Mike Hooper,
Just read this news item about your displeasure with the state-of-the-art Commonwealth Games village we have prepared in Delhi. Must say we are disappointed with your disappointment.
You’re not being a good guest.
You see we have spent billions of dollars on this event. We changed the tiles on pavements all over New Delhi. We changed all street lights, in alternating pattern of green and orange. We setup millions of those reflecting signs outside buildings as meaningless as Mizoram Bhavan. Maybe you should make a trip on Ring Road to count the number of potted plants. Each one of those cost us Rs 10,000, that too bargain price because of the bulk order.
Anyway, we digress. Back to the point.
A good guest is nice to the host. You sleep where we put you. You eat what we feed you. No we-are-from-a-developed-country crap there. But you seem to be behaving like that NRI who visits his family in India and then complains about the coir mattresses and power cuts.
Not to say that we are any less developed. Do you know the price of a 3 BHK apartment in Gurgaon? People in that city are so elite that we hear they actually wipe themselves with ten rupee notes. (Sometimes they are forced to, because there’s no water, but let’s discuss more important stuff for now.)
Did you know how many Bollywood movies we produce in a year? Did you know that Kylie Minogue actually sung in one of them? Did you know we have Mc Donalds!?
Fancy buildings in Gurgaon. Beat that, Manchester.
We digress again.
A good guest doesn’t complain about unkempt rooms. Or paan stained walls. Or dogs sleeping in their beds. Besides, like the women keep saying, aren’t all men dogs?
By the way, whats wrong with the workers using your apartments? They are the ones who made them – might as well get to test their creations.
And what did you say about the village? Filthy and Uninhabitable?
Do you know how much we sold those apartments for? And do you know how quickly they got lapped up by the people of this city? It is probably your mind that is filthy and uninhabitable.
Fret not. You are in the right place for a nice mind cleanup. Once the games are done, we will set you up with a nice swami who will fix you up alright.
We are actually a bit curious now. Did you guys come to our country to play games, or for 5 star luxury? We thought you wanted us to portray the real India. Now that we’ve worked so hard at fulfilling your wish why are you turning Chicken?
Surely you didn’t come to our city just for the tandoori murga?
Obviously you didn’t brush up on Hindu mythology before landing up in our world class T3 terminal at the Delhi Airport. (Isn’t she a beauty? We are told T3 is much bigger than anything in your England.) In Indian mythology, Lord Krishna got a new city created overnight and transferred all of his people in their sleep. That’s what we are capable of buddy. And to think you’d accuse us of messing up a silly village?
Never before have we been so humiliated. We do the Commonwealth a favor, and get this in return?
You should know that in Indian culture we always leave an eyesore to cast off bad luck. We hang an old shoe from our CNG cars, we mark black spots on our cutie babies, we always make sure all evil is kept away. We didnt want to make a big hue and cry about this, but now do you get it?
The mosquitoes, the dirty bathrooms, they are all there for a reason. Your welfare.
Our sports minister recently compared the Commonwealth Games to a Punjabi wedding. You know why? Because they are lavish, grand, colorful celebrations of life. (And also money.)
Also, if the groom tries to run away from the altar, the bride’s family catches hold of him and cut his balls off.
Get it? There, that’s a good boy.
- Your friendly hosts.