Open Letter To Mike Hooper

September 21, 2010
By

Dear Mike Hooper,

Just read this news item about your displeasure with the state-of-the-art Commonwealth Games village we have prepared in Delhi. Must say we are disappointed with your disappointment.

You’re not being a good guest.

You see we have spent billions of dollars on this event. We changed the tiles on pavements all over New Delhi. We changed all street lights, in alternating pattern of green and orange. We setup millions of those reflecting signs outside buildings as meaningless as Mizoram Bhavan. Maybe you should make a trip on Ring Road to count the number of potted plants. Each one of those cost us Rs 10,000, that too bargain price because of the bulk order.

Anyway, we digress. Back to the point.

A good guest is nice to the host. You sleep where we put you. You eat what we feed you. No we-are-from-a-developed-country crap there. But you seem to be behaving like that NRI who visits his family in India and then complains about the coir mattresses and power cuts.

Not to say that we are any less developed. Do you know the price of a 3 BHK apartment in Gurgaon? People in that city are so elite that we hear they actually wipe themselves with ten rupee notes. (Sometimes they are forced to, because there’s no water, but let’s discuss more important stuff for now.)

Did you know how many Bollywood movies we produce in a year? Did you know that Kylie Minogue actually sung in one of them? Did you know we have Mc Donalds!?

Fancy buildings in Gurgaon. Beat that, Manchester.

We digress again.

A good guest doesn’t complain about unkempt rooms. Or paan stained walls. Or dogs sleeping in their beds. Besides, like the women keep saying, aren’t all men dogs?

By the way, whats wrong with the workers using your apartments? They are the ones who made them – might as well get to test their creations.

And what did you say about the village? Filthy and Uninhabitable?

Do you know how much we sold those apartments for? And do you know how quickly they got lapped up by the people of this city? It is probably your mind that is filthy and uninhabitable.

Fret not. You are in the right place for a nice mind cleanup. Once the games are done, we will set you up with a nice swami who will fix you up alright.

We are actually a bit curious now. Did you guys come to our country to play games, or for 5 star luxury? We thought you wanted us to portray the real India. Now that we’ve worked so hard at fulfilling your wish why are you turning Chicken?

Surely you didn’t come to our city just for the tandoori murga?

Obviously you didn’t brush up on Hindu mythology before landing up in our world class T3 terminal at the Delhi Airport. (Isn’t she a beauty? We are told T3 is much bigger than anything in your England.) In Indian mythology, Lord Krishna got a new city created overnight and transferred all of his people in their sleep. That’s what we are capable of buddy. And to think you’d accuse us of messing up a silly village?

Never before have we been so humiliated. We do the Commonwealth a favor, and get this in return?

You should know that in Indian culture we always leave an eyesore to cast off bad luck. We hang an old shoe from our CNG cars, we mark black spots on our cutie babies, we always make sure all evil is kept away. We didnt want to make a big hue and cry about this, but now do you get it?

The mosquitoes, the dirty bathrooms, they are all there for a reason. Your welfare.

Our sports minister recently compared the Commonwealth Games to a Punjabi wedding. You know why? Because they are lavish, grand, colorful celebrations of life. (And also money.)

Also, if the groom tries to run away from the altar, the bride’s family catches hold of him and cut his balls off.

Get it? There, that’s a good boy.

– Your friendly hosts.

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88 Responses to “ Open Letter To Mike Hooper ”

  1. Smitha on September 22, 2010 at 12:49 am

    LOL! How dare the rest of the countries question our preparation for the games :) We are ready in our own Indian fashion :)

    The scared groom bit was the best, nobody will dare complain now :)

  2. dinu on September 22, 2010 at 4:27 am

    AWESOME EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

  3. xylene on September 22, 2010 at 8:33 am

    lol. And for Indians its Adhidi devo bhava.
    . We are going to treat them like God. Sure we know how God is been treated these days.

    • amreekandesi on September 22, 2010 at 9:19 pm

      Surely we will.

  4. doctoratlarge on September 22, 2010 at 8:52 am

    That’s a good one. Its typical of these finicky foreigners to make a hullabaloo over just a few unclean toilets and a bit of dog poop on their beds. Don’t their pet dogs poop on their beds? After all dog is man’s best friend.

    • amreekandesi on September 22, 2010 at 9:21 pm

      I know. Excellent point!

  5. ms on September 22, 2010 at 10:33 am

    ha ha! you have made a very good point – take us as we are. first time in my life, i accept the public urination, defecation, spitting, stray dogs as what makes one indian. i am now one with my national identity. never will i again scream at a person who was making her child urinate near the mosque inside the qutub minar complex. nor will i ever again toot my carhorn at a man who proceded to urinate leaning against the hood of my car. i promise never to wince when a pan-spit barely misses my shoes. thank you, kind friend.
    forever in your debt,
    ms

    • amreekandesi on September 22, 2010 at 9:21 pm

      hmmm…going satirical on my satire?!

  6. Mike Hooper on September 22, 2010 at 2:05 pm

    Yet again , Pure Bull shit from the cheap bullshitting indian bastards. Indians suck and are mere cheap cow piss drinking bastards. yes all of them

    • amreekandesi on September 22, 2010 at 9:26 pm

      Watch it buddy. By saying ‘all’ you include our Rahul baba.

      Nobody messes with Rahul baba. We are very sure he doesnt drink Cow piss.

  7. r k mahajan on September 22, 2010 at 6:59 pm

    this post is a really nice efforts to explain that india appears to have made enough efforts to make common wealth games a grand success and has made world class facilities available which are perhaps emulated from the countries which hosted games of status better than CWG. For one or two stray incidents and some shortcomings which are easily managable,should hue and cry be made/. Instead efforts made by Indian govt, with its constraints, be appreciated.

    It is just like marriage/grand festival for india and preparations keep on going to show our house much better to guests but guest should really think and realise that they are a part of this family-common wealth countries which are common in one way and bear/get improved the position but not to say as i heard. Where are such incidents not happening as said. hope good sportman ship will be displayed and players who do not want to participate will review their decision and gladly accept indian invitation to show thier wealth in sports.BE ONE AND SHOW SOLIDARITY TO COMMON WEALTH COUNTRIES INSTEAD —- IT

  8. Peter on September 22, 2010 at 7:06 pm

    Nice to see someone take some responsibility. Have a look in the mirror. Sometimes it is liberating to hear people say “Yes, we screwed up – and learned from it”. Not here.

    In the face of overwhelming evidence you still deny the facts: You haven’t been up to it.

    But I guess you have a legitimate excuse: You only had 7 years to get ready….

  9. Anjit on September 22, 2010 at 7:10 pm

    and the beat goes on…

  10. James Snow on September 22, 2010 at 7:10 pm

    What a ridiculous childish entry. If you are not capable of delivering a good quality of accomodation as what a good host should provide, then DON’T TRY TO HOST THE GAMES in the first place!

    Typical example of taking too much that one can handle!

    • Hope on September 23, 2010 at 3:00 am

      James,

      Rather short on humor and irony aren’t you?
      Missed the point completely.
      Amreekan Desi agrees with you….only he’s more bitter and funny

  11. scott on September 22, 2010 at 7:17 pm

    “You sleep where we put you. You eat what we feed you.”

    …sounds splendid

  12. James on September 22, 2010 at 7:23 pm

    So, you suggest that guests should be grateful for their flooded, dirty and dangerous accommodation?
    Interesting view! Especially when you consider that the local authorities in Delhi have done nothing to keep their side of the deal; namely to provide safe and comfortable accommodation for their guests.

    I have worked in India and I know there are good engineers and plenty of capable people there, it is just a shame that due to the corrupt officials in Delhi none of those talented and able people were able to work to their full potential on the games site.

    You should be ashamed of the way they have let your country down, it is embarrassing for the whole of India, perhaps this will act as a catalyst for change and maybe people will start to fight against the corruption that so cripples your great nation.

    Or, maybe more Indian’s will take your attitude and stick their fingers up to their guests. That is not my experience of Indian hospitality, and I don’t think you are doing your country any favours by posting this nonsense.

    Good luck with it all, I am glad I am not competing!

    James.

    • Grammar Gandu on September 22, 2010 at 9:46 pm

      Its Indians*
      Not Indian’s.
      Watch the apostrophe, James. Didn’t you learn English in school?
      I did. In India.

  13. Saurav Upadhyay on September 22, 2010 at 7:28 pm

    You are obviously talking out of your arse. If you are happy and call this incompetence being Indian, that I can’t feel anything but pity for you.
    PS wiping your arse with 10 rupee note does not prove you are a good bunch of people it just proves that you are douche bags of the highest order. And this is not from some first world person. I am from Nepal and even I am ashamed of you peoples organization and excuses…shame. Have some dignity and self respect man.

    • amreekandesi on September 22, 2010 at 9:27 pm

      and, please excuse me for saying this, but you definitely have something stuck up yours. Go find a doctor, mate.

    • Saurav Upadhyay on September 22, 2010 at 11:25 pm

      Dude if you call that sh** that you wrote humour than I am the King of India.

    • Tanya on September 24, 2010 at 11:24 pm

      Saurav,

      You lack what most desis lack – a sense of humor! Chill stay away from such discussions if you can’t see this was meant to be a funny take on everyone’s frustrations with our crappy & corrupt officials, who’ve made us want to throw each & everyone of them out of the country- maybe we can send them all to Nepal..

  14. Andy C on September 22, 2010 at 7:35 pm

    I love India and I’m an Englishman. I dearly hope that the games will go ahead and that all will be well. After all the work and money that has been put into the games it would be awful if it was cancelled.
    There are Indians who are feeling a lot of embarrassment right now and I hope that in the next few weeks that they will have reason to feel proud instead.
    There are real concerns over health and safety – concerns shared by Indians as well as foreign parties and these concerns should not be dismissed lightly. Lets hope that in the last few weeks big improvements are made.

    • anon on October 3, 2010 at 3:42 am

      actually you don’t sound one bit like an English man

    • Roshni on October 12, 2010 at 4:26 am

      Andy..I think Anon meant…you don’t sound a bit like James!!

  15. Raul on September 22, 2010 at 7:43 pm

    Wow- cheap boomtown high-rises & overcrowded, smelly streets. Impressive.
    Manchester had those in spades centuries ago. Arrogance towards foreigners?
    Old Blighty’s got that nailed down too! LOL!

    Honestly, boasting about a big shinny airport yet making light of not being able to provide basic human sanitation- come on!

    Be prepared to take some criticism when the civilized/ developed world is watching you India..

    Perhaps this whole debacle is down to your government taking ‘backhander’ (look it up pigeon English speakers) from the London 2012 organizers to host an even more inept games than they can!

  16. Aussie Paul on September 22, 2010 at 7:57 pm

    Interesting-
    “We are actually a bit curious now. Did you guys come to our country to play games, or for 5 star luxury? We thought you wanted us to portray the real India. Now that we’ve worked so hard at fulfilling your wish why are you turning Chicken?”
    &
    “Our sports minister recently compared the Commonwealth Games to a Punjabi wedding. You know why? Because they are lavish, grand, colorful celebrations of life. (And also money.)”

    > A little insight into why one the most populated conutries in the world cant compete with the big nations when it comes to sports perhaps?
    (Cricket doesn’t really figure outside of the Commonwealth/ is crap!)

  17. Tyson on September 22, 2010 at 7:57 pm

    amreekandesi – face it – India is one of the dirtiest countries on earth – it can’t go on being as filthy as it is and expect the world to have anything but contempt for it. I am half indian and would have loved India to have produced a magnificent and impressive games – it would have done my self esteem a power of good but we must take the scathing criticism we have received and use it to change our behaviour and start lifting the bar on cleanliness.

    When I was last in Delhi I was shocked at the absolute filth that was around me in the streets. I tried to blame the inexorable rise in the population – infrastructure can’t keep up – but the general attitude of the people was also very much to blame. I stayed with my cousin and every piece of rubbish my cousin and his compatriots produced went straight on the floor. The epitome was when we visited a bird sanctuary and my cousin’s wife threw a dirty nappy into the bush. It landed on the branch of a tree and just hung there – a soiled nappy for all other keen ornithologists to feast their eyes on.

    Worst of all was the train rides – every now and then we would pass over, what I imagine was an open cess-pit – the smell was so nauseating that other passengers had to breath through handkerchiefs.

    My overbearing memory is of a city drowning in its own filth and sewage.

    I don’t want to put India down, I admire the patriotic Indians who are in their country doing their best to try and lift the country up – I more than admire them, they are my heroes but please don’t get defensive about this criticism.

    We mustn’t fall into the mistake of the recalcitrant child – they call us dirty – alright we will be dirty.

    No, the response should be: they call us dirty, we will show them what clean is – we will make our streets clean enough to eat from.

  18. Mo mo on September 22, 2010 at 8:04 pm

    @ desi
    No-one will care about your big airport or failings in 20 years when Pakistan nuke ye!

    Pakistani Celtic- hail hail!

    • amreekandesi on September 25, 2010 at 8:45 pm

      but isnt the world going to end in, like, 2012?

  19. SS on September 22, 2010 at 8:10 pm

    Wow.. I am shocked and amazed at what you have written here, as an Indian myself, its a shame someone even has the audacity to write this nonsense. India is not back in the 1940’s to say we are not capable of competing with Developed nations. We are at a point where we need to prove to the world what we are capable of and this is not the way, and forget about proving to the world, this here shows absolutely no pride in being Indian. Someone mentioned Athithi Devobhava and this is how we treat God now? Not in India no sir..

    Think of this, if you are invited to a wedding of a friend or a family member and put in accomodations as described by CWG, let me know how you will react.

    Please don’t try to make statements on behalf of the country by writing crap like “You sleep where we put you. You eat what we feed you.” and think of it this when you invite guests over to your house.

    Its high time someone in India did something about this and show the world we are far from what the image is portrayed and for once stand up and apologise for the disaster this has been and try to do better.

    Like someone said above, if we are not capable, don’t go asking to host games and treat everyone like this.

    • amreekandesi on September 25, 2010 at 8:48 pm

      “Its high time someone in India did something about this and show the world we are far from what the image is portrayed”

      – I thought the games were supposed to do that?

    • Roshni on October 12, 2010 at 4:30 am

      Wait a minute!! I though Sheila Dixit announced that we were going to host the Olympics next!!!

  20. Dave in the USA on September 22, 2010 at 8:14 pm

    lol, great post. Sort of disturbing that many of the commenters here do not seem to get the joke.

    • Tanya on September 24, 2010 at 11:36 pm

      Dave, now you know another thing Indians don’t have- a sense of humor!

  21. Ally on September 22, 2010 at 8:15 pm

    LOL hahaha… well said… hope it all goes okay for you guys without any more glitches!!!

    • amreekandesi on September 22, 2010 at 9:28 pm

      Thanks Dave and Ally. Finally someone who has a sense of humour!

  22. Tyson on September 22, 2010 at 8:18 pm

    Dave you wrote:
    “lol, great post. Sort of disturbing that many of the commenters here do not seem to get the joke.”

    I find it kind of disturbing that you don’t realise that he is not joking.

    • Bedd Gelert on September 22, 2010 at 8:41 pm

      But hasn’t all the best humour got a painful ‘ring of truth’ about it ??

    • amreekandesi on September 22, 2010 at 9:29 pm

      Tyson, you cant be too sure now. Can you?

    • Tyson on September 23, 2010 at 7:13 am

      amreekandesi
      after re-reading it again, I did find myself laughing. My mistake, took you at face value.
      It’s a good piece of humour.

      Think non-indians got it more than indians.

      Indians are still reeling from their embarrassment and humiliation of the bridge collapsing and excrement “found in places it shouldn’t be” to see the funny side yet

      It’s good that we Indians can laugh at our crappiness – better do, I don’t suppose the tag is going to go away in my lifetime – I wish I was Chinese sometimes – for the record – I’m now being ironic

      :)

    • Roshni on October 12, 2010 at 4:32 am

      haha! Tyson!! Now that you’ve realized that he was actually joking…let me tell you that he actually was not!! You can go back to your rant now!! :P

  23. Douglas McLellan on September 22, 2010 at 8:20 pm

    If this is a joke, I think some of the humour has been lost in translation.

    If this is not a joke, then some research into basic human biology is needed – where a human is not used to unsanitary conditions it is easier to become ill that for someone who is used to it. A good host would know this.

    • Roshni on October 12, 2010 at 4:34 am

      wow, Douglas!! Are you by any chance a descendant of Louis Pasteur!?!?!

  24. Fiat_Tata on September 22, 2010 at 8:23 pm

    Is it only me that interpret this amusing entry as highly ironical?

    • Dirky on September 22, 2010 at 8:46 pm

      Nope. I got the irony almost immediately and LOL’ed the whole way through. Great post!!

  25. curry&chips on September 22, 2010 at 8:54 pm

    Lolz kylie & mcdonalds!

    I lolz indian humour- no 42 with the Kumars, Goodness Gracious me & East is East and yeah thats all.

    I also like those movies you fellas make with no discernible plot- you know, those ghey ones where everyone dances and sings!
    x x x

    • Roshni on October 12, 2010 at 4:36 am

      you mean, ‘gay’, don’t you?! Yes, in that case, let me tell you that Indians are also far more progressive than westerners. That’s why we make gay movies all the time!!

  26. curry&chips on September 22, 2010 at 8:58 pm

    PS Don’t worry about hosting a sh1te games-
    Just remember that Pakistan is your neighbour and will always make India look good!!!

    • ra on September 22, 2010 at 9:34 pm

      Ha ha this is the best comment. I see people getting senti. Take a chill pill peoples

    • amreekandesi on September 22, 2010 at 9:48 pm

      Of course. In fact we are currently evaluating how best to fix the blame for this fiasco on them.

  27. amreekandesi on September 22, 2010 at 9:46 pm

    Just one word for the haters. Satire.

  28. pushpendra on September 22, 2010 at 9:52 pm

    I was disappointed about how things are going with CWG and was very uncomfortable to read anything related to it but your post helped me to understand this in a very lighter way.

    Very thoughtul

  29. shail on September 22, 2010 at 10:14 pm

    From the comments it seems like some people just don’t understand satire!

  30. Awesome on September 22, 2010 at 10:17 pm

    Isn’t it better to say “yes everything will be spotless and ready” than “yes everything is filthy, like it or lump it”? What if the games are cancelled? Arent’ you concerned about the catastrophe this would mean?

  31. latasuksham on September 22, 2010 at 10:34 pm

    In india the guests are supposed to be equally concerned with the host’s problems and it is in our culture to overlook some discomforts if any -left unintentionally without malice to any one.
    Welcome in India and have a feel of our hospitality with a open heart.I can assure u there will be no regrets.

  32. Bill on September 22, 2010 at 10:46 pm

    It seems the satire is lost on some.

  33. al pi on September 22, 2010 at 11:09 pm

    er… I hope you guys realize that this article is meant as humor…

    Our cgw preparations are horrible… He’s just pointing that out in a toungue in cheek manner…

    Great stuff… Lol…

    • Tanya on September 24, 2010 at 11:57 pm

      Er…Indians don’t know what satire means- no funny bone in their DNA!

  34. […] Indian blogger Amreekandesi has a vociferous and boisterous defence of India’s preparation for the Commonwealth Games, now just 11 days away. His open letter to […]

  35. Mikato Sema on September 23, 2010 at 12:32 am

    this got me quite confused …. then proceeded to read the authors comments. great post.

  36. Jonquil on September 23, 2010 at 7:18 am

    Awesome satire. (for the record, the penny dropped when I got to ‘sometimes they are forced to’.)

  37. litterateuse on September 23, 2010 at 10:47 am

    Very nicely done! Take a bow :)

    g

    • amreekandesi on September 25, 2010 at 8:49 pm

      thanks Gauri!

  38. Hit Wicked on September 23, 2010 at 11:08 am

    True. True. True.

    Brotherly hugs! Loved it.

  39. prem on September 23, 2010 at 12:55 pm

    its all a part of the plan , all the athletes do not turn up and we lap up the medal tally … wooohooo india FTW ,, home court advantage!!!

  40. Monty on September 23, 2010 at 1:09 pm

    Nov 13 2003 India is announced as the host for the 2010 Commonwealth Games. Now you do the maths.

    The irony is that they were never meant to be delivered. Yet another scandal in Indian politics and you tax payers will soon forget this with another hot NEWS. This has been happening in India past 60 years. Youth of India is too busy in getting westernized while corrupt politicians rule (read ruin) this truly amazing and a potential country. Our image is dented in-spite of spending so much money. Ya, its true that we shouldn’t have given chance to these B@st*r*ds to be a Mahmud Ghazni of modern India. We could/should have spent these on other priorities. But we didn’t…

    I also want to make a point here. Why blame only corrupt politicians? People of India are equally responsible for it. Where were you when there was an election and only 40% turn out to vote? Don’t tell me you have never urinated or spitted on public place. Have you ever taught your children that motherland is even more important then your our home. For centuries, people have raped and tortured this majestic country.

    Rising India….How much worse can it get? *Hope* is a very generous word…

    Jai-Hind

  41. Abhey on September 23, 2010 at 1:50 pm

    awesome dude…u shud send this to TOI for publihing :) just change ‘us’ to bhanot and kalmadi ;)

  42. […] In one event, participants are ready to sleep in sleeping bags on lawns. In the other event, they complain about everything possible. […]

  43. Abhishek on September 23, 2010 at 10:49 pm

    We Indians can do anything.
    But i guess Mike Hooper is on our side, its the British,Canadian and Kiwi people that are making mockery of CWG.

  44. Anindita on September 23, 2010 at 11:48 pm

    Brilliant piece…
    All the shameless corrupt politicians apart, feels really bad that India is getting humiliated…
    Not supporting the games as such… but from some corner of the heart am hoping we can come out of this humiliation…
    But, I am digressing too… very well written!!.. :)

  45. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Manan Kakkar, Ruchika A, amreekandesi, amreekandesi, amreekandesi and others. amreekandesi said: BTW looks like we have a (rather abusive) comment from the CWG CEO on my post. Clearly he doesn't get satire. http://bit.ly/MkHprCWG2010 […]

  46. Vallii on September 24, 2010 at 5:18 am

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  47. DeepBlue on September 24, 2010 at 9:12 am

    We’re tried peaceful protest. We’re tried violence. We’ve tried showering them with adjectives that befit them, and are trying it with humor too. Sadly our Indian authorities are like pigs with their snouts stuck in crap. Nothing you say gets to them. All they care about is the shit loads (of cash) that they can gobble up.

    Lets just face it, we could have done much better. Sadly its a thing of the past now.

  48. Syd Walker on September 24, 2010 at 12:32 pm

    A very useful article.

    I shall think very carefully if I ever get propositioned by a Punjabi woman. Some things are just too risky.

    Good luck with the games!

  49. tranzmitta on September 24, 2010 at 1:16 pm

    I love India and I will never stop visiting, but is it really so anti-Indian to point out how unsanitary the place is? Is it so anti-Indian to be appalled by the squalid conditions some people have to put up with? Is it so anti-Indian to be disgusted by the level of contempt and inhumanity Indian society affords those at the lowest levels? Is it anti-Indian to criticize? If so, then truly a poor, poor India that is so wrapped up in its own hubris to realize where it can improve upon – vastly!

  50. Vips on September 24, 2010 at 3:14 pm

    Well said Amreekan! What a befitting response. Just short of few decades of Industrial revolution, India has done what other currently developed nations took 200 long years. Most people who speak irrationale are people who are oblivious of history and the devlopment process, the long standing task of reconstruction of a country, the restoration of a culture that should have been forcibly swayed. They speak of sanitation. Think clear – India had an architected Sanitation system as early as 3500 BC. A month of incessant rains causing a havoc is not unnatural. It could happen anywhere. What of dogs climbing over bed? Is that a problem? If so why is it not an issue when these very same people who make allegations kiss dogs and have them on their beds. “Oh you lovely one” so they would say if it happened in their homes.

    Double standards, go away! See the real things? All this will change when they see the hospitality and luxury which Indians are known for. Compare the luxury of the palaces in India with other countries and one will realise the pomp and grandeur reference is way high in India!! Love you India.

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All content on this site is the personal opinion of the writer. It is in no way related to their employer or their official policies. Most of what is written here is in a satirical tone. If it hurts your sensibilities, I sincerely apologize.
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