PM Replies to Anna Hazare’s Letter

April 7, 2011
By

You all may have already read the anti-corruption crusader Anna Hazare’s letter to the Prime Minister. Hard hitting stuff. We managed to lay our hands on the reply the PMO prepared for him.

Dear Mr Hazare,

Apologies for not getting back to you earlier. But better late than never, like an Indian mother would tell her balding-28-year-old-teetotaler-unmarried boy.

So I was watching that handsome Bengali news guy on Times Now when they mentioned that you had sent me a letter. Letter? I immediately asked my staff to look for it in the office. Took the lazy buggers 45 minutes to find the damn thing. It was hiding under the leaky coffee mug that the missus had brought as a gift from that European country. Cant remember the name though. Wait, Krishna had something to do with it. Portugal.

While the circular coffee spot reminded me of a solar eclipse, i read the letter and was immediately reminded of our meeting. And a little urdu poetry.

Irshad boliye.

ye bataa de mujhe zindagii
pyaar kii raah ke hamasafar
kis tarah ban gaye ajanabii

What happened? Why are you doing this to me? I already have so much to worry about, why add this Lokpal, pal? I am a man of unimpeachable integrity, have faith in me.

Anyway, onto your letter.

I noticed your request to fast and pray for a corruption free India on the 5th, and had it promptly marked in the calendar. But the missus ended up cooking chicken, and all hell breaks loose if i refuse anything she makes. And she does cook up a nice murga. To add to the mess, the toilet was broken and the plumber was refusing to fix it; had to pay him an extra Mahatma Gandhi to oblige.

Anyway, i am supposed to be the intellectual, reticent, two-words-per-minute Prime Minister, so lets get to the point. Point by point, from your letter.

1. It is being alleged that I am being instigated by some people to sit on this fast. Dear Manmohan Singh ji, this is an insult to my sense of wisdom and intelligence.

Arre sirjee, kya baat kar di aapne? Of course, being misled by others is no insult to wisdom and/or intelligence. I do it ALL the time. People tell me what to do and i do it. It works out nicely most of the times; did you see how easily i got out of the 2G scam.

Let me share one secret with you. One word that will serve you well, always.

SCAPEGOAT.

2. It is being said that I have shown impatience. Dear Prime Minister, so far, every government has shown complete insensitivity and lack of political commitment to tackling corruption…

You are very impatient, sir. And obviously you don’t understand how democracy works. You see, YOU people go to the election booth and cast your votes. WE go to parliament and make laws. We don’t tolerate any outside interference, be it internal or external affairs. As for courage, sir, i will be 80 next year. This is about the most stress my heart can take.

Anyway, what’s with all this clamor for this independent anti-corruption system? I am the PM. I am the anti corruption system. Have you seen all the degrees i have?

3. It is being said that I have shown impatience when the government has “initiated” the process. I would urge you to tell me – exactly what processes are underway?

a. You say that your Group of Ministers are drafting the anti-corruption law. Many of the members of this Group of Ministers have such a shady past that if effective anticorruption systems had been in place, some of them would have been behind bars

Oh come on, thats just rude. I give you one word, Sharad Pawar. Ok, that’s two, but what more do you want?

The word shady means nothing, unless you are referring to The Real Slim Shady. Classic Eminem.

‘Cause I’m Slim Shady, yes I’m the real Shady
All you other Slim Shadys are just imitating
So won’t the real Slim Shady please stand up,
please stand up, please stand up?

I sing it in front of the mirror every time the opposition walks out of Parliament. Helps get my confidence back.

Unless you can prove it, you should not cast aspersions on my esteemed, unblemished group of homies.

As for Moily asking for a copy of your bill a day before the meeting because he lost the original, don’t mind him. He’s not getting any younger. I suspect he has forgotten to trip his moustache for the last 40 years. Besides, he is a liar. Err, lawyer.

You ask me if i have any faith in the processes i have setup.

Haha..clever one. Have you ever tried asking a fruit seller if his Apples are sweet? Has the answer ever been different from “Sir, this is the best stuff. Ever. I will eat bird-crap if you have any complaints”?

4. kindly create a credible platform for discussions . a joint committee with at least half members from civil society suggested by us.

I am afraid even with 500 odd MPs we can barely get any work done. Bring in a group of ordinary citizens, and the load on already bursting AIIMS will go up even more. There’s only as many head injuries they can support.

5. Tell me a single meeting when you called us and we did not come

Ok, i am sure there must be many. Let me check with my staff and get back to you. We at GoI are always open for discussion. We listen to everyone. (Wiretapping has got to be the BEST invention ever)

All said and done, here’s the deal. I am the Prime Minister of India, and a very busy man. Busy and intelligent, and well educated, and of unimpeachable integrity. If i say something, you must listen and understand. Over the past few years we have made tremendous progress. A few random scams involving mere billions of dollars should not be reason for worry.

Look at GSLV. Look at our increasing GDP. Look at the Crorepatis being made due to the manifold increase in property prices. Look at the incredible amount we are spending on procuring expensive toys for the defense forces. Look at Kapil Sibal. Look at the world cup. We are everywhere.

My saala was looking for a car driver, and the cheapest he found wanted Rs 10,000 per month. Ten thousand! That used to be the going rate for software engineers till some time back. Have you ever tried booking a room in the Trident in Gurgaon? Pricier than most New york hotels.

Darn it, we have arrived at the global stage, and you people keep harping on about tiny scams. Aberrations on the great stage called India.

Look at the bigger picture. No not, Lagaan.

Now you better get yourself a can of Tropicana orange juice  before i send in Mamta to go on a counter strike. (Tropicana is the best. Try the pulpy one.)

Regards,
The Prime Minister

[This letter sneaked in by a little bird from the PMO. Cant remember his name, or face, or even the time when he dropped it in. Ah well, maybe i just imagined it]

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21 Responses to “ PM Replies to Anna Hazare’s Letter ”

  1. Vibs... on April 7, 2011 at 10:53 am

    Hahaha.. a real nice one Sir! In depth analysis..Superb outlining of thoughts from the Indian School of Democracy.

  2. Prateek on April 7, 2011 at 11:02 am

    ROFL in bold.

  3. Anindita on April 7, 2011 at 12:28 pm

    Good one!! :)

  4. Ashwathy on April 7, 2011 at 1:34 pm

    Brilliant!!! :lol: Sarcasm at its best :P

  5. Maithili Desai on April 7, 2011 at 6:05 pm

    WHAT a piece!! Loved reading it!!! Am so totally sharing this one…

  6. Ashish Patel on April 7, 2011 at 6:15 pm

    very funny lol :D

  7. amreekandesi on April 7, 2011 at 9:59 pm

    Thanks folks!

  8. Kiran on April 8, 2011 at 12:18 am

    OMG!! Gotta show this post to the Hubby! PRONTO :D

  9. Jess on April 8, 2011 at 6:00 am

    love it! such talent…unmask yourself amreekandesi :)

  10. Nidhi on April 8, 2011 at 9:56 am

    ‘Brilliant’ is the word!

  11. Deepa David on April 8, 2011 at 12:57 pm

    Total ROFL stuff. Loved it. And the framing of each ‘n’ every thought is ‘Fantastic’. :D

  12. Preeti on April 8, 2011 at 1:01 pm

    this is called intelligent humour..just loved it…so much to understand and much more to improve the way we think…but still wanna say all these manipulation can’t made India corruption free..If Hongkong can do it in 1 year only so why not WE??

  13. Deepak Sharma on April 9, 2011 at 12:12 am

    Amazing! Impressed by your words written in lighter note….:)

  14. Rajinder on April 9, 2011 at 6:48 am

    I enjoyed and liked the post very much.
    Nicely explained about the global stage,we have reached and it has its own merits,the fruits of which we have to bear.
    Let Anna avoid coercion but give co-operation to honesty and purity in every walk of life and spread it to be adopted highlighting spiritual benefits of this angle for corruption to be eradicated.
    The dead-woods will weed away soon,let they be.. .be assured

  15. A Seeker on April 9, 2011 at 1:20 pm

    Incredible! I am doing my bit as well. Pls have a look: http://aseekersdiary.blogspot.com/

    Regards,
    A Seeker

  16. meena on April 11, 2011 at 12:36 pm

    Had a good laugh .. i am thankful to our PM and his ministers .. they are innocent people .. their scams were huge and open to public .. they are the people behind uniting the nation to fighting against corruption .. i support them and if they win next election they surely will change our country all together !!

  17. womanistan on April 13, 2011 at 11:44 am

    Brillant stuff! May honesty win as always.

  18. amreekandesi on April 16, 2011 at 2:42 pm

    Thanks all for the appreciation. i’ll post my Paypal account details soon :P

  19. ms on May 11, 2011 at 10:17 am

    actually, to silence all his detractors who question the presence of “shady” characters on the lokpal comittee, anna should bring up the old saying : set a thief to catch a thief.

  20. Yousaf Raza Gilani on February 5, 2012 at 11:06 pm

    All these politicans should be damned to do “community service” i.e. cleaning the slums, or sent to exile to Pakistan.

  21. Yousaf Raza Gilani on February 5, 2012 at 11:06 pm

    All these politicians should be damned to do “community service” i.e. cleaning the slums, or sent to exile to Pakistan.

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All content on this site is the personal opinion of the writer. It is in no way related to their employer or their official policies. Most of what is written here is in a satirical tone. If it hurts your sensibilities, I sincerely apologize.
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