Open Letter to President Obama

May 5, 2011
By

Dear President Obama,

Thanks for a wonderful gift you have given the entire world. Osama is DEAD. Long live Obama. [Nearly got that mixed up...phew!]

Wth the threat of terror gone forever, the world seems such a nicer place already. Today morning when i woke up, the air seemed fresher, the birds chirpier, and the sun a tad bigger. Even the usually grumpy bai didnt burn my morning toast.

It’s all going to be good now. Indian diplomats will not have to undergo pat-downs at your airports. Jeev Milkha Singh’s coach will be able to travel to Italy with his turban on. At the mall, the guards will not try to squeeze out RDX from my balls every time i go to watch a movie.

Even though they are saying that Satya Sai Baba’s next reincarnation will be born in Karnataka, its now becoming quite obvious that he has already taken birth in Honolulu back in 1961.

After a lot of thought, we (and i talk of behalf of the 56 people in my extended family, including my little boy whose first word is definitely going to be Obama) have come to a very important realization.

We think you should become our President.

The way you went about hunting down that dreadful scoundrel Osama Bin Laden, the ruthless devotion to the cause with which you ordered operation IKEA, the mind numbing efficiency with which the entire plan was implemented, it all has captured our imagination.

Only Sunny Deol has ever come close to the awesomeness that you so clearly are.

Please become our president, no? Of course, you should continue to run America as well.

Just imagine, the world’s two biggest democracies coming together will create an absolutely unstoppable force. It will be like Coke and Pepsi coming together to form a behemoth named Copsi that doesn’t need to spend a dime on marketing ever again.

We already speak English. You must have talked to one of us when you called up the technical helpdesk to fix your laptop, or to question the incorrect charges on your credit card.

We are told you recently met the wonderful Mallika Sherawat, so now you know that not only do we speak English, we speak it in your accent.

Give us a few more years of Fair & Lovely/Handsome and we will even start looking like you. Maybe not you, but like most of your people.

Our news channels already call you President Obama. Like the dedicated-to-their-soon-to-be-husband ladies from our movies and soap operas, in our hearts we have already accepted you as our savior leader.

We are ready for you, President Obama.

We wont even care if eventually you do turn out to be a Muslim. We are a diverse nation, with a Sikh PM, an Italian super PM, a woman president, a Muslim vice president, and so on.

It’s not all about us. The deal will work both ways.

India is the world’s biggest market. Or second biggest, but whatever. There’s a billion people who need food, Banana Republic and iPads. You make them, we buy it all. Everybody happy.

We all know how disappointed you guys were that we rejected your fighter jets. With you at the helm, we could buy all fancy toys that America can make. It will be a wonderful setup. Employment to middle class Americans and security to hungry Indians. Indians who may sleep empty stomach, but would be content in the knowledge that our air force has a hundred squadrons of fly-by-wire F-18 Hornets ready to kick enemy ass.

And with China, Bangladesh, Sri Lanka, Pakistan all willing hostile neighbors, all weapons will get utilized. With your immeasurable courage, you would have ample options for  distracting the cattle-like Indian populace every time your popularity ratings dip.

Most importantly, there’s no qualifications required to run India; neither is there any age limit. You could easily outrun Hosni Mubarak’s 30 years at Egyptian helm. You’re still young; a 50 year reign is totally plausible. Not to suggest that there’s anything wrong with your qualifications. We Indians totally dig Harvard graduates.

You could even come up with a new scheme of prepaid green cards. Young men from Andhra will happily mortgage their dowries to pay for that elusive piece of paper. The resulting collection could bail out Wall Street twenty times over.

You’ve already talked of comparisons between Boston and Bangalore. Let’s make it happen now. The kids from Boston could get beer and french fries, and we will get the math.

Because Mr President, We Can Change. We just need you to show us how.

- Regards.

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32 Responses to “ Open Letter to President Obama ”

  1. Samadrita on May 5, 2011 at 8:31 pm

    “Coke and Pepsi coming together to form a behemoth named Copsi” – ROFLMAO. Awesome!

    • amreekandesi on May 5, 2011 at 9:01 pm

      The only downside of Copsi – loss of revenue for our cricketers.

  2. Giribala on May 5, 2011 at 9:14 pm

    Please don’t ask for too much change…the grumpy ‘bais’ would become unaffordable and we would have to make our own toast!

    • Kiran @ KiranTarun.com on May 5, 2011 at 11:57 pm

      Hahaha! So true:)

    • amreekandesi on May 7, 2011 at 7:51 am

      But wont that fit in with American culture? They dont have any bais and need to do everything themselves. :P

  3. Ankita on May 5, 2011 at 11:34 pm

    Young men frm A.. :) bang on

  4. Sophia on May 6, 2011 at 12:39 am

    Awesome read..”You must have talked to one of us when you called up the technical helpdesk to fix your laptop, or to question the incorrect charges on your credit card”..lolzzzz :)

  5. Prateek on May 6, 2011 at 6:50 am

    Copsi. ROFL
    It’s like Dhoni and Sachin coming together calling “Dhoin”

    • bhanu on May 7, 2011 at 1:15 am

      we already have enough confusion with Saina and Sania.

    • amreekandesi on May 7, 2011 at 7:52 am

      and Osama and Obama…

  6. Rajinder on May 6, 2011 at 8:31 pm

    Wonderful….we can change… but need one like you..at last hitting most wanted criminal and teaching lesson to all others,for the betterment/peace of the world at large.
    thanks AD.

    • amreekandesi on May 7, 2011 at 7:53 am

      thanks…Obama is indeed our savior, and the only person who can make this world a peaceful place.

  7. Somisetty on May 6, 2011 at 10:15 pm

    So awesome
    Our news channels already call you President Obama and Hostile neighbors like China, Bangladesh, Pakistan and Srilanka(never realized from all sides) just cracked me up.

    • amreekandesi on May 7, 2011 at 7:54 am

      Oops…use Fevicol. Or M-seal!

      Thanks…glad you liked it!

  8. Pallavi on May 7, 2011 at 3:08 pm

    Prepaid green cards.Classic.If the nations were to come together,one can well imagine what will happen to the giant movie industries.Bollywood and Hollywood.Bhollywood?

    • amreekandesi on May 9, 2011 at 6:47 pm

      But don’t they already get Bhollywood movies in Calcutta? Sorry, Kolkata.

  9. Pallavi on May 7, 2011 at 3:10 pm

    Or,will Hollywood stop functioning completely,given the awesomeness of our film industry?

    • amreekandesi on May 9, 2011 at 6:49 pm

      that’s also possible. We may just have Julia aunty playing Govinda’s mom in the next magnum opus, with Miley Cyrus playing the love interest.

  10. Dhaval on May 7, 2011 at 6:49 pm

    We cn also provide them with the awesome cultural gift that is Item Songs! Imagine dola re dola with Shakira and Beeyaanse.. OH YEAH!

  11. Jorawar Walia on May 9, 2011 at 12:26 pm

    From today I’m your FAN, officially

    • amreekandesi on May 9, 2011 at 6:50 pm

      Orient or Havell? :P

    • Payoshni on May 10, 2011 at 10:54 am

      yeh PSPO nahi jaanteeeeeeeeeeee !!!!

  12. Payoshni on May 9, 2011 at 4:56 pm

    and Dear President, taking over as India’s head has a lot in store for you too personally…
    not only will you enjoy your all-expenses-paid-and-lot-more-made stay here, we will also ensure that Princess Malia & Shasha have the first right to your gaddi..

    No..no…don’t worry about Dr sahab, he is used to it ;)

    • amreekandesi on May 9, 2011 at 6:51 pm

      Haha…if there were a like button here, i would’ve liked your comment right away.

      Dr Sahab – ever the humility oozing gentleman.

    • Payoshni on May 10, 2011 at 10:53 am

      :D

      have being following you on twitter for a while, but first time visitor to your blog !
      (donno why, am queer like that at times ;P)

    • amreekandesi on May 14, 2011 at 12:17 pm

      that’s fine. As long as you made it here, all is well.

  13. Sumeet on May 13, 2011 at 11:08 pm

    sir, its not IKEA, its EKIA (Enemy Killed In Attack).
    Rest enjoyed the Article very much. Thank you.

    • amreekandesi on May 14, 2011 at 12:20 pm

      I know that sir; just having some fun.

  14. vishnu on May 23, 2011 at 3:58 pm

    Hi!

    Take pride in ur country man. India is one of the fastest growing economy in the world. No one can deny the progress India is making in every field. I never expected an indian to think like this. There is no need of bowing down to anyone. India is self sufficient. You are degrading your own country by asking favours from obama.

    Let us remember what swami vivekanada said-

    “This is the ancient land where wisdom made its home before it went into any other country, the same India whose influx of spirituality is represented, as it were, on the material plane, by rolling rivers like oceans, where the eternal Himalayas, rising tier above tier with their snowcaps, look as it were into the very mysteries of heaven. Here is the same India whose soil has been trodden by the feet of the greatest sages that ever lived. Here first sprang up inquiries into the nature of man and into the internal world. Here first arose the doctrines of the immortality of the soul, the existence of a supervising God, an immanent God in nature and in man, and here the highest ideals of religion and philosophy have attained their culminating points. This is the land from whence, like the tidal waves, spirituality and philosophy have again and again rushed out and deluged the world, and this is the land from whence once more such tides must proceed in order to bring life and vigour into the decaying races of mankind. It is the same India which has withstood the shocks of centuries, of hundreds of foreign invasions of hundreds of upheavals of manners and customs. It is the same land which stands firmer than any rock in the world, with its undying vigour, indestructible life. Its life is of the same nature as the soul, without beginning and without end, immortal; and we are the children of such a country.”

    • amreekandesi on May 23, 2011 at 11:47 pm

      Vishnu, you obviously haven’t yet discovered satire. Have you?

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