Khatron Ke Khiladi – Aam Aadmi Edition
By now you all must be enjoying the latest season of the epicness called Khatron Ke Khiladi. What’s not to like about a show featuring a hunky host, hot women, and men who could all have easily made their careers modeling underwear, what with rippling muscles and all that junk.
While jumping off cliffs, hanging from helicopters or eating weird insects might be hard enough, it could’ve been worse. Here’s what we are told (by a bird, as is always) was the original plan for the season. Terrifying. Fortunately, better sense prevailed and the plot got changed to easier stuff.
Here’s what could have been. Read, and recoil in horror. And just be glad you’re not part of the madness.
Task 1: In the first task, the contestants go through Roadies auditions setup specifically for them, complete with screaming millions and all the other hysterical stuff. Now we all know that the questioning by the tough judges is so intense, it results in people brilliant enough to make it to the UN General Assembly. This should be a great way to start the competition.
Whoever comes out of the grilling not looking like a chicken sandwich at a govt hospital canteen doesn’t just survive the elimination, but also becomes eligible for a place in the IAS.
Task 2: From Roadies to the Road. In this task, the contestants will be required to drive a motorbike of their choice through the streets of Delhi during peak office hours. You just need to cover a distance of 20 km in 10 minutes. Points will be given for the number of SUVs you cut across. Additional points for talking on the mobile while performing this task, 5 more for not wearing a helmet.
Most people do this stuff everyday so this should be the easiest of them all.
Task 3: Contestants will attend a panel discussion on Times Now with the world renowned Arnab Goswami.
You need to talk uninterrupted for 20 seconds to win a special prize of a 7 day trip to an uninhabited island in Indonesia where you can enjoy the silence.
Just so set the record straight, nobody has done this before. The current record stands somewhere around 6 seconds.
Task 4: Each contestant will get admitted to a one of the numerous nursing homes in Bhopal, complaining of stomach ache.
And then need to make sure they get out of the place in two days with all organs still in place.
The risk involved is immense. Contestants will be required to sign papers releasing us of any responsibility in case a kidney goes missing.
Task 5: The task itself is simple. The consequences might not be. All contestants will need to drink ten bottles of mineral water purchased off Delhi’s streets.
Just be ware that all that glitters is not gold, and all that is in a bottle might just have come off a hand pump near the railway station.
For this one, literally your immunity will win you immunity.
Task 6: In this task, the contestants will be required to think beyond the ordinary.
This set of brave folks will oranise a morcha in Delhi in which they will try to get answers from IIPM and its gold medalist boss Arindam Choudhry to the various claims of fraud made against them by certain ridiculous people.
While the contestants face the heat, the audience will sit back and watch as they are taught a lesson in ethics by the smartest man with the longest hair India has ever seen.
Task 7: In this task, the contestants will need to swim across the Yamuna. In Delhi.
Those who make it across will get a gallantry medal from the president in addition to a direct wildcard into the finals.
Finale – We will travel to America for the finale, taking our Khiladis on a trip to spread good old Indian values in the land of Niagara Falls and the H1B visa.
Here’s how it will happen – a series of sub-tasks to weed out the weaklings.
The final four will get off the Air India flight (enduring which is their first challenge), head to the immigrations counter at the airport, and try to bribe the officer to let them in for more time than permitted on the visa. [Our lawyers will of course be on standby to bail them out once they get arrested.]
Out of the police station (or the airport if they were successful), the contestants would stop the taxi midway on the highway to take a leak on the shoulder. If accosted by a police car, they then need to invoke their contacts. Jaanta hai mera baap kaun hai? Throw in some more attitude, let them see how we Indians roll.
This done, we would see the four travel from New york to Washington. Without tickets. Whoever reaches the White House first WINS.