A Sneak Peek at 2012

December 27, 2011

So 2011 is almost done, and 2012 beckons. If the Mayans were right, then this is going to be a pretty exciting year. If they weren’t, well, bummer.

We managed to find a crystal ball which told us what’s in store for the year, albeit with a 95% confidence interval.

Believe at your own risk. Here goes a sneak peek at 2012.

India’s chances for a UNSC permanent berth will grow stronger as Surinam and Azerbaijan extend support to our just cause for a place among the world leaders. The parliament will see a stormy monsoon session marred by repeated adjournments as the opposition holds the house to ransom over the 2G scam. The session will close with a crucial resolution to increase MP salaries by 10 times passed by a voice vote, following a historic 10 minute debate.

Prime Minister Manmohan Singh will address the nation a total of three and a half times. The number of fake accounts run in his name on Twitter will grow to 243.

Rahul Gandhi will have dinner at 37 more Dalit homes in UP in the month before the assembly elections. An India TV sting operation will reveal how villagers refused to have him eat at their houses anymore.

Bhola Ram of Chhalera village will become the face of the BJP campaign for his outburst. “We are poor people, and he wanted 4 rotis. Kahan se denge chaar roti? He can eat at my house if he brings along his own wheat and dal.”

Ajmal Kasab and Afzal Guru will continue to await their fates. The state will spend an additional 20 crores on keeping them safe and secure as they await the thorough presidential review of their mercy petitions.

Sachin Tendulkar will finally achieve that 100th hundred on a ground specially laid out for him by the BCCI. Shahid Afridi will claim in a press conference that money was paid to bowlers as an incentive for not getting the little master out. Afridi will announce his final retirement from Test cricket thereafter.

MS Dhoni will become the first sportsperson to earn $100 million in endorsements in a year. He will go on to spark a huge uproar for asking for an 8 month leave from the BCCI to fulfill his ‘business commitments’. The MNS will respond by beating up all people from Bihar and UP in Mumbai.

The London Olympics will see India win a few medals. After the games, the govt will announce its decision to introduce reservation for backward classes, Muslims, Christians, Parsis, Sikhs, Gorkhas, and Tam Brahms would all get representation in future games contingents.

Bollywood will continue to improvise. Shahrukh Khan will announce a new project called “I am NRI” . The film will be followed up with a comic strip , a PS 3 game, an Android app, an Iphone app, “I am NRI” t-shirts, water bottles, suitcases and passport covers.

I am NRI” will go on to break all records for overseas revenues , while doing a Mig-21 at home. Crash.

On TV, Balika Vadhu will grow stronger, as the producers rub the message of social welfare in. A total of four extra marital affairs will get added to the plot as the lead characters suddenly age by 20 years to reach the middle age.

Saas-bahu relations will reach a new low in the country.

Ekta Kapoor will appear on Arnab’s show and in a candid chat, proclaim that she is merely in the business of entertainment. Her “People take my shows too seriously! ” will become the theme of the year’s biggest meme.

Bigg Boss Season 6 will see TRPs hit the roof following the first ever televised murder as a housemate gets stabbed to death in heated debate over his daily entitlement of eggs. Thanks to Non Disclosure Agreements, no one will find out if it was staged or not.

Unverified reports will have airliner flight crews reporting seeing a handsome man flying over the the Himalayas rearranging the mountains to create a suitable deterrent against China. Times Now would refute the charge calling it utterly incredulous and that “even with his extreme intellect and courage, Arnab is no Superman”.

Kolaveri Di will register its 100 millionth view in July, a month after we see its one thousandth remake, sung by a UP Roadways bus driver while driving.

With the impending fear of apocalypse in the year, the economy will flourish as people bring out their saving and splurge on luxuries. The govt will reduce duties on luxury goods such as single malt whisky, German cars, Australian apples , Pringles chips, and petrol. This will however leave the Swiss economy on shaky grounds as money hidden in their accounts gets brought back for consumption.

A group of IIMA graduates will opt to skip campus placements and form a start-up called “You Can Have You Money And Take It With You Too” which would advise prosperous Indians on ways to take their wealth with them once Apocalypse strikes. This venture would gain an astounding 100 million global subscribers within 3 months of launch as the idea finds favor with a global audience.

Petrol will touch Rs 100 per liter in August.

Chetan Bhagat’s next book will be launched in mid-December. The book will become his biggest seller till date as it is found to suggest ways to ward off the Apocalypse. The book would sellout within two days, but unfortunately, it would have a come a few days too late…

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