Steps to Improve India’s Fortunes in Australia
The Indian cricket team is having a disastrous tour of Australia. Three test matches lost. Not just lost, but lost royally. Its not everyday that a team suffers three consecutive innings defeats. More so when it is the reigning world (and IPL) champion team.
Understandably, people are upset. Mahendra Singh Dhoni is upset. His boys are upset. Especially the ones in their late thirties, and with boys of their own.
If this were a movie, the doctor would come out of the operation theater and announce to anxious waiting people that only prayers could save their loved one. “Ab inhein dawa ki nahi, dua ki zaroorat hai.”
The only consolation is that we still have the world cup. Maybe we should start bringing it out after every innings defeat just to psyche up the Australians, to remind them who the real champion is.
Anyway, we thought we should help out. Always there for a little national service. Here’s a few ways we can deal with this immensely important national issue. The 230 million starving Indians can stay hungry a little while more while we get this thing sorted out.
This is obviously not an easy problem to solve. The boys have lost three tests in a row, and still counting. Luckily the Indian team’s losses are limited by the fact there are only limited matches to be played, so the scoreline can not go below 4-0.
There can be multiple strategies of dealing with the situation. Let’s see.
There’s the Stop-Loss strategy. Run away while you can. Go to New Zealand. They have go-karting there. And beautiful hills and lakes. Spend a month. Shoot some ads. Come back. Say the aliens abducted you. There’s no more overseas tests after this one for two years. All will be well again.
The Aggression-is-the-Best-Defense strategy. Virat Kohli displayed admirable aggression the other day, but the middle finger was not enough. More needs to be done.
Watch a few ice hockey games. Watch Bolly movies where the villain’s boxing coach hands him some powder to make the hero go blind, and then beat him to pulp.
The wheel has been invented, just need to use it. Bring in a bowler whose only job is to be aggressive. A few balls to their heads, a bat in their stomach, new names for their mothers and sisters. That’s all. So simple.
In the worst case, he’ll get banned for life, but choose someone who has no chance of a career anyway. Like Kambli. Or Harbhajan Singh.
The Racism card. This NEVER fails. Say that the racist Australians abused our forefathers, thereby psyching the Indians into submission. Or how they keep repeating ‘Teen guna lagaan. Teen guna lagaan” while fielding.
Save Your Face. Replace the team with all second rung players. Say you are building a team for the future. They will lose as expected. Nobody will say anything. All is well.
Remember the sole reason India won the world cup? No silly, not match fixing. Poonam Pandey. Get her. She will motivate the boys into performance.
Lastly remember that we have the BCCI and its treasure chest of currency. They should be able to cajole the Australians into some kind of deal. All the money is in India, which also has most of the global viewers, live tweeters, and overpriced LED TVs to watch the ball crash into Dravid’s middle stump in High Definition. Confucius once said that when all fails, turn to Economics. Listen to him.
If nothing works, get some news channel to break a new scam involving lots of money and an aging politician. Scams come a dime-a-dozen these days. Stay low for a few weeks, watch people get busy, get onion prices to rise four folds, invite Bangladesh over, beat them at tests 5-0, and watch people start writing poems about the boys again.
One last option might to get serious about the game, practice hard, go out and kick ass.
But then that would be so boring.