I Want To be A South Indian

March 31, 2012
By

I returned home from work today feeling quite happy about Friday and the lack of traffic jams en-route. I then logged on to Twitter like all normal people do these days as soon as they reach home.

People were discussing this article by some Aakar Patel. The guy was on top of Twitter trends for the day. Needless to say, i had to read it to stay in sync with the happening crowd.

Three minutes and twenty five seconds later, i was feeling ashamed of my life. The guy made me realize just how pathetic an existence we North Indians live.

There’s hardly anything going for us northerners. 

We can’t appreciate Carnatic music. I didn’t even know who MS Subbalakshmi was and had to resort to Wikipedia to find out. We are uncouth. We flaunt our Honda Cities. We are not tolerant of others. Just look at how the North Indian BJP treats our good PM. Even my pretty face suddenly felt like a burden. I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror. I suddenly had flashes of all the smart Tamil kids who always scored higher than me in the FIITJEE test-series. Now i knew why.

Why god, why couldn’t i have been born into a nice Brahmin family of dosa-eaters?

I was appalled. I went outside, got into the Honda City and turned on the radio (factory-fitted, Bose speakers), determined to listen to some quality Carnatic music. Red FM was playing that Pungi song. Super addictive. Then Chikni Chameli. Half an hour later, just as i was busy picking my nose, the wife came out of the house pissed at me about wasting my time and not helping out with dinner. Another example of our north Indian intolerance.

Aakar Patel suddenly appeared in my head and said, with a slight smile, “Hence Proved”.

The radio was useless. They only played those awesome but meaningless Bollywood songs. I figured Youtube must have something. Did a quick search, and found an MS Subbalakshmi track with a few million hits from knowledgeable, cultured Madrasis. This should be good. I was ready to get some culture.

5 minutes later, i was in tears. Not because it was awesome and i was making ‘little clicking sounds by striking the tongue against the back of the front teeth, gently shaking his head from side to side in mock helplessness‘ like people who can appreciate good music.

Not quite. To my primitive ears, it didn’t make any sense. I just couldn’t understand why the woman was so sad. I heard the track five times. Nothing. I felt bad for her though. Going by how much her voice trembled, i guessed she must be really old.

But something had to be done.

I formulated a quick plan. Going forward, Roadies will be followed up everyday by 15 minutes each of Sun TV, Gemini TV and DD Kairali to increase my culture quotient, and soon i should be able to understand multiple languages like the good people from the south. Junior will learn Tamil as a third language, and call me Appa. Sundays will be started with a breakfast of Idli (no giving up the rajma chawal lunch for now.). Henceforth, i shall go to work with a head soaked in at least 200 ml of Coconut oil. The wife shall wear those nice smelling flowers in her hair.

I am not kidding. Not going to stop till my fellow North-Indians start making fun of me and call me a Madrasi.

Like Lord Ayappa must have told his disciples, man creates his destiny, even if he is born in North India. I will create my own South India right here in the land of Yadavs and Jat Boys.

If Michael Jackson could go from black to white, surely going from wheatish to a couple of shades darker must be a relative cakewalk?

Thank you Aakar Patel,  for my life will never be the same again.

[Image Courtesy]

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34 Responses to “ I Want To be A South Indian ”

  1. Sach! on March 31, 2012 at 4:14 am

    I think that is pretty much my plan for this week end. I will also start calling myself awesome and forget all the shortcomings I have. I will make 3 states out of my city. Also, I will make sure me and my fellow Northern friends hand out as one douche group and smell like some sweaty curry. And I will be happy that I have learnt 3 languages that only 3 states speak and not the language that is spoken by 40% of the country.

    • amreekandesi on March 31, 2012 at 8:56 am

      Excellent plan. Proud of you.

  2. vadakkus on March 31, 2012 at 8:49 am

    After reading this article, I realized that despite being from the South, not only do I not have a clue about Carnatic music, but I also hate it!! What do I do now? What do I do now?? Oh God I am so cultureless despite being a Southie!!

    Anyways us Mallus are never given prominence in all these North-South fights anyways. Everyone trolls only the Tamil peoples and Bangaloreans. We are treated as some kind of aliens. Bah.

    • amreekandesi on March 31, 2012 at 8:59 am

      Aww, i am sorry Vinod. This is very sad. Let me do my bit; will try to make up by trolling Mallus in a future post.

  3. jitu on March 31, 2012 at 10:21 am

    I guess, marathi and gujrati ppl are lucky in this case… as they don’t get counted in either of the category. :P

  4. Vinay on March 31, 2012 at 10:44 am

    How come these East and West guys dont fight at all. Its always North and South

  5. rahul on March 31, 2012 at 10:47 am

    Im lucky too. I’m from Andhra Pradesh. We live overseas now. But, i keep asling people in India if they know a a city called Hyderabad, just out of habit. Mostly cuz no one else ever includes us in any fight. Or acknowledges oyr state in any north south fights. To add to that, i dont do any of the things Aakar said or you said. Massive identity crisis right now. :P

  6. Bihari on March 31, 2012 at 12:16 pm

    Be it north or south , punching bag of India will always be us poor bihariz.

    • amreekandesi on April 3, 2012 at 8:43 pm

      Sorry man. You should go beat up a former, rustic CM for that reputation.

  7. smile on March 31, 2012 at 1:37 pm

    As a proud ‘North Indian’ living (rather trying to survive) in South India, i think i have already been ‘south indianised’. So, if this means I have turned into an intellectual guy who loves carnatic music then I’d rather be a dumb, aggressive, show-off, chikni chameli lover North Indian.

  8. Shiv on March 31, 2012 at 1:48 pm

    Enjoyed reading it.
    Yalso, I ‘tank’ God for I libb yin South Kolkata:-)

  9. Karthik on March 31, 2012 at 2:02 pm

    If trembling, old lady voice is what you’re looking for, you should be happy that there is someone like that in Mumbai…she was last heard protesting some flyover construction outside her house :)

  10. Gagan on March 31, 2012 at 5:45 pm

    Written like a man stung. Like someone who got slapped and had to hit back somehow. If the Aakar Patel article was stupid, why this strong reaction! They truth hurts. But it would hurt this deep! I didn’t know till I read this article.

    Gagan

    • amreekandesi on April 3, 2012 at 8:40 pm

      The truth hurts indeed. I am stung about my lack of ability. It is just horrible that i cannot appreciate music by clicking my tongue against the back of my teeth. I am ashamed of my north-indianness.

  11. AB on March 31, 2012 at 7:17 pm

    Sir, I am a North Indian, living in South. That too South of Bangalore. If you have any job vacancy in Gurgaon, please let me know.

    Heh.

    • amreekandesi on April 3, 2012 at 8:38 pm

      Why would you even want to do something that crazy, man?

    • Tom on October 13, 2012 at 12:38 am

      Do you want to get gang-raped?

  12. Amit on March 31, 2012 at 10:11 pm

    Mediocre article. Was expecting different

  13. Nikita Kapoor on April 1, 2012 at 12:37 am

    A**holes you guys are. Never will this stupid “fight” end, will it? And then you guys would love to eat Idlys and dosas, classic case of, jis thali mein khaya, usi mein ched kiya.

    • amreekandesi on April 3, 2012 at 8:33 pm

      Well articulated, Nikita. Indeed most of us go about our lives drilling holes in our thalis post lunch.

  14. Amlistening on April 2, 2012 at 12:02 am

    Super mama !! Awesome. Need some white flowers now.
    Btw guys don’t take this seriously. Almost every state in US fights like this to phili, Alaska …. Except NYC where ppl are too busy and most just stay mon to thurs….
    Btw what do u call mom in Tamil ?

    • amreekandesi on April 3, 2012 at 8:31 pm

      Thanks!

      But i think the inter-state fights in the US are different, primarily because they don’t have fundamental differences of language, culture, religion etc. Plus they dont have any regional parties to work on divisive tactics to garner votes.

  15. BH on April 11, 2012 at 2:56 am

    I like Aakar Patel and I’ve been reading his articles for a while. He’s probably the most honest writer in India right now and he does not mince his words. An excerpt from my fav article:

    The cities we inherited from the British, it must be admitted, we have run into the ground. No city in India is Hong Kong.

    Delhi and Kolkata look as if populated by a race different from the one that built the city. Like Rome overrun by Vandals or—to reach for a more popular allusion—like Planet of the Apes. The symmetry, the order, the Classical lines of Lutyens’ Delhi are the product of another civilization. These neighbourhoods are not designed for the people who now occupy them. Armed with its vaastu shastra and servant quarters, a second-rate civilization is spreading its slum over the creation of a civilized one.

    Aakar Patel, Our bestial stamp on British cities

  16. Ali Mirza on June 6, 2012 at 8:06 pm

    very witty(almost Woody Allen-ish) sir!!! Thoroughly enjoyed reading it. Kudos.. :-)

  17. Sai Kiran Sharma on August 12, 2012 at 6:36 pm

    Hello, I am Sharma, we are a families of Telugu Brahmins settled in Central and North India; Bhilai, Jamshedpur, rourkela etc. from past 3 generations or so. We do have our relatives in South India, however, I could never understand why South India Vs north India debate always comes up? The culture you guys often refer to is same all throughout India with a very small variations( which have been blown out of proportions). i lived in Hyderabad, its a hell hole believe me. Ofcourse I am a big fan of places like Bhilai, Jamshedpur, Bokaro, Rourkela et al. Small town, of India is where real India lives. I feel people in small town know better about North and South, more than Metros. I am not a fan of South India, however I am saddened by the shameful acts of Indians in general. Only time I hate anyone is when : there is an honor killing, there is a familt feud(Reddy etc etc. in A.P.). Some retarded leader issues a comment on south vs north.
    If you say idly is tasty, then I would bring up Alu paratha; mind you my mom and I can make better aloo paratha, chole etc as good as any other North Indian home.
    I met my love in Hyderabad, well she is a Bhojpuri sharmaji whose 3 generation settled in A.P. The problem somehow still remains the same. Although am a telugu , but I love Hindi; and I am bad at Telugu. Although she is a Bhojpuri, she loves telugu( she can read and write, I cant), but she is bad at Hindi. :O
    So I believe am blessed with grace to appreciate my country India, than any one else who fights North vs South.

  18. Lakshmi on October 10, 2012 at 4:33 pm

    “If Michael Jackson could go from black to white, surely going from wheatish to a couple of shades darker must be a relative cakewalk?” – Highly racist don’t you think?

  19. Kavya on February 17, 2013 at 9:45 pm

    Oh yes, you ppl go gaga over lady gaga and yeah justin beiber yes Metallica u can appreciate. But not carnatic music, ok I am absolutely fine if you din understand and don wan to listen, but u need not make fun of it, the most scientific music which even said to cure diseases. And ur “madrasi”, and hypocritical comment on being dark.
    And what is about idli and dosa, when you are eating manchuries, pizzas (a bread which was served for poor) etc.
    And hello, if you have ever appreciated any A.R.Rahman’s music you must understand his music is highly carnatic based.
    I like your other posts, not this one. I curse you that ur son marries to a orthodox south indian, who wears smelling flowers on hair( please watch hum apke hain kaun, very much north indian where madhuri wears jasmine) and (maine pyar kiya, song dil diwaana, where heroine wears jasmine so called north indians)

    • Nikhil on January 15, 2014 at 8:55 pm

      Why is marrying an “orthodox south indian, who wears smelling flowers on hair” a curse? If you’re a South Indian, that’s pretty demeaning to your own people. And if it helps, I am South Indian too.

  20. naveen on March 21, 2013 at 5:33 pm

    this north vs south is neaver ending ,let me say this idly vada ,curd rice eating south india
    is a fantasy of northees fuelled by bollywood imagination by one mehmmod who is from bangalore,this is basically a british left over , we had madras presidency from which all of south was administered , now we have 4 states ,ap,tn ,kar,kerala , mostly on language lines , wwe are very varied ,diverse and most of them speak hindi , i am appalled by north indians talking down at us in every place , it is time for some understanding , it is time northees are told boss dont push us arround .

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  22. Almighty on July 8, 2014 at 6:08 pm

    This is possibly the stupidest article I’ve read in my life. You listen to some douche on twitter, and rant about Carnatic music here, and all these sycophants try to suck up to you. It’s sick

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