What Indian Ads tell us about Earthlings
Alien Report to Mothership: What Indian Ads tell us about these Earthlings
Re: XAZ8943 (my ID) submitting Report to the Bureau of Invasions & Analysis at Xargabhumi, after 12 months of review.
Coordinates: India. Selected for study due to its large population, expected to be a representative enough sample of earthlings. Also to disprove the notion that English-speaking aliens only land in the USA, regardless of what Hollywood tells us.
Methodology: Watched endless hours of mind-numbing Indian TV programming, trawled the Internet, scoured Facebook and hacked into a sociologist’s brain.
Hypothesis: Ads are a reflection of a society’s needs, wants and aspirations. Let’s study the ads to get a sense of what these earthlings (in India) are about.
Data collected – key highlights
* Motherload: Based on the number of detergent and cleaning supplies ads, we can tell that there are lots of clothes, dishes and toilets to be washed here. Conveniently, they have a lower-hierarchy species called “females” to do all this, as evidenced in the ads. Other activities for this species include looking after their ship captains (“males”) and their offspring. Cleaning efforts are likely focused on the insides of the homes because there is little evidence of such effort on the outside.
* Shiny, silver bullet: Not only do these earthlings suffer from harsh planetary conditions, but also poor captains at the helm. Something they call “government,” which is ineffective at best. Luckily, most of these problems can be solved by a magic balm that’s sold in a tube! Quite ingenious. Applying that makes them radiant, shiny, confident, more marriageworthy and successful. Life is simply better once you use it. It’s called “fairness cream” but doesn’t seem to have anything to do with being fair or righteous. We might be well served by having this on our planet, Xargabhumi.
Strategic suggestion: Apparently this stuff is quite awesome – we should totally get this for ourselves. This seems to drive Indian psyche in a huge way. Possibly holds the key to our invasion strategy.
* Same difference: It’s tough to tell what these different brands do or how they are different from each other but this species has developed an interesting coding system. You take a piece of jewelry or food or clothing – it could be sold to you by attractive females called Kareena Kapoor, Priyanka Chopra, Katrina Kaif, Sonakshi Sinha, Anushka Sharma or other similarly curvaceous to anorexic nymphets. As a Xargabhumian it’s tough to tell the difference between all these creatures, but I’m confident that earthlings understand the deeper significance. They must know why a camera held by Padukone is technologically superior to one held by Piggy Chops.
There also seem to be male counterparts to these nymphets who again are about as different as two Pavs on a tava (Earth reference). But as hypothesized before, these earthlings must know something we don’t. Additional intelligence reveals that these “sellibrities” take a lot of money to endorse products they don’t always use, but that’s not considered wrong by consumers. They’re probably the kind of species who won’t be offended if someone drives their planet off a galaxy (facetious alien humor, apologies.)
* Bling: Shiny objects have great appeal here. Blocks of aurum are hammered into trinkets and it would seem that the females are automatically attracted to this. The males are coerced into buying these for the females and quite irrationally, they comply. Possibly a mating ritual. It must be possible to invade these people by using fairness creams, gold and no other weaponry. A trading company did it once in the 17th century with goods. It should be doable again.
Final Note: Also noted instances of littering (Mountain Dew, Thums Up, Maruti Ertiga) or bratty behavior from kids (Cadbury’s) in ads. It would seem that this species is okay with all of that otherwise why would it be showcased in the ads? A certain earthling called “Aamir Khan” seems to be assaulting them with socially conscious messages and that comes under a lot of criticism. Our assessment of this planet as a huge composting pit of toxic waste with not much to redeem it doesn’t seem totally unwarranted.
Other than that, it’s a positively lovely place with fabulous people. Their food is fantastic, but I have been asked to keep opinion out of this report. So these are simply observations with some possible inferences.
[Guest post by Nima Srinivasan who is a sociologist, brand consultant, researcher, writer, alleged alien channeler and the founder of Berylitics.
If you would like to write for amreekandesi.com, please read this first, and shoot me a note at email@example.com]