Open Letter to Bilawal Bhutto

September 21, 2014
By

Dear Bilawal ji,

Pehle to wish you a very happy birthday. 26! Such a special age. Reminds me too of the time when i was young and stupid, though maybe not this much. As a special gift for your happy day, you are trending on social media and every Indian is talking about you. How’s that for neighborly love? Say thanks. Where are your manners, yaar?

I heard THAT video clip with great interest. The one where you said that you will make sure that you get every inch of Kashmir for Pakistan. Boss, such determination at this young age is something to be proud of. You should pat your back for having such clarity of thought when most Indians your age these days focus on cramming concepts of java and sql to get a job offer with a grand 50% hike at that Gurgaon MNC. Tells you something about misplaced priorities.

Bilawal Bhutto Speech

Going back to the speech. I love the raw josh and enthusiasm with which you spoke the words. ‘lawange lawange…kashmir…poora ka poora kashmir….pakistan da kashmir….lawange.‘ The way you raised your hands, pumped up the vocal cords, and spoke, like a WWE announcer, except that your voice hasn’t even broken yet, which made it sound more adorable than terrifying. Add to that your smashing looks, and boss, if i had been there, i would have kissed your cheek and pinched those shiny cheeks of yours out of purely platonic love. You sly fox, you are going to get votes from women for being cute and from men for this speech.

Boss, Kashmir to nahi mil payega. I mean you are cute and all that, you may have had an affair with the pretty lady minister whose handbag is worth more than the rest of Pakistan, but who said life is fair? You want Kashmir. Yo Yo Honey Singh wants a Grammy. I want an iPhone 6. Tough luck.

But we can manage another gift for you. A time machine. Yea baby, you heard it right. I can help you look into the future and see what life has in store for you.

There is a man, 44 years old, fair and lovely like you, youth heart-throb like you, England educated like you, born of political pedigree like you, and when he speaks it is the right mix of comedy and sincerity for his people. I present to you Rahul Gandhi. He is you, in 18 years. He is your time-machine. Just look at him to see what you are going to become. You’re welcome.

You know what all of India is thinking today? That India and Pakistan are so similar. We have the same cultures. We eat the same roti and butter chicken. We listen to the same pirated Bollywood music. Our Cricket teams are equally inconsistent and prone to temptations. Our Hockey teams had their moments of glory but now mostly suck at the world stage. Our politicians are a similar bunch of jokers. Our girls on both sides swoon when Shahrukh Khan opens his arms in his trademark gesture.

We have Rahul. They have you. See. Same to same.

Back to Kashmir. Come on yaar. Don’t look so sad. Okay we can try one thing. Why don’t you come on Arnab ji’s News Hour for a panel discussion and explain why you should get the state over which your country has got its ass whooped by India four times in the last 60 odd years? Fair deal?

If you can manage to speak ten complete uninterrupted sentences on his show, you can have the state. Bolo chalega? The only catch is that if you fail, you will watch Arbaaz Khan’s ‘Ma Tujhe Salaam’ on loop for a month and do the chicken- dance every time he says ‘doodh maangoge to kheer denge. Kashmir maangoge to cheer denge.’

[Image: Screengrab from this video]

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210 Responses to “ Open Letter to Bilawal Bhutto ”

  1. sanm on September 23, 2014 at 1:48 pm

    zahid….., kashmir is india’s. not tht of some persian descendant like you. understand history.

  2. indrani on September 23, 2014 at 2:10 pm

    Superb mix of humor and satire! Anytime better drafted than the “famous speech” of Mr. Bhutto, which was but a failed attempt to two-minutes of fame!

  3. vineet on September 23, 2014 at 2:13 pm

    Love the chicken dance part on doodh mangoo

  4. sumit on September 23, 2014 at 2:47 pm

    We Indians dont give our window seat(train or bus) to any…..and this guy is talking about KASHMIR:-)

    • KP on September 23, 2014 at 3:00 pm

      good one :D

    • JAT on September 24, 2014 at 11:30 pm

      ROFL

  5. KP on September 23, 2014 at 2:59 pm

    Tu anna – doodh pila pila ke marenge :D Kabhi to Sarma o bachha nandan. kamse kam to tu Kapil Sharma ka Comedy Nights dekh

  6. Shipra Shukla on September 23, 2014 at 3:09 pm

    It is said that those who don’t learn from history are doomed to repeat it.
    http://wp.me/p4NAcZ-Q

  7. Rakesh on September 23, 2014 at 3:09 pm

    Beta Blunder Bilal (BBB),

    Jab theri Ma, thera Bap, thera Dadaji, yaha thak thera Army Chief Mr. Parvez Mushraf india ke kuch ugad na sake, phir thu kis kheth ki mooli hai bhe ? Thera oukath kya hai Kasmir mangne ka ? sala bikari Pakistani….pehle apane avamko khana tho khila..phir aaja takkar karne…Arey kamse kam ye tho yad rekh ki Indian Prime Minister vo nahi raha jo hilnekeliye soniyaji ki permission letha hai. Ye tho wo sher hai….jo thera poor pakistan ko ek minute me jalayega.

    • abhishek on September 23, 2014 at 6:16 pm

      very well said :D

  8. Pawan on September 23, 2014 at 3:20 pm

    Very Hilarious.

  9. wasif on September 23, 2014 at 3:21 pm

    im a Pakistani and i must say bilawal is an ass… look at his accent bloody chakka!! he deserved this bezzati a$$H***e

    • Rajiv on September 25, 2014 at 9:58 pm

      Appreciate the honest observation..just because he wanted to say something he said so…Chaloo yaar..bachee hai..toda man lagake padai karega to shai bolna shik jaiga…

  10. Mona on September 23, 2014 at 3:46 pm

    Son of 100% go away and Ieave us alone please !
    I don’t want you to rule us or my children.
    Do us a favour make your self disappear from Pakistan Forever!!!

    Awesome letter !

  11. Salman on September 23, 2014 at 4:00 pm

    Loved it! Terrific article.

    Gosh, I did not realise that you too have your “Billyawal”. We in Pakistan are so fed up with his kith and kin – as are we of the other ‘Gharana’ of Nawaz Shareef, that we are ready to put up with ex-cricketers and articulate soothsayers for leaders if only we could be rid of the current milieu.

    India is in many ways a bit further on the curve to recovery but match this: can you have a bunch of frustrated passengers kicking off a Minister from a local flight because he delayed the aircraft? One up on you guys!! The video went viral and to show how much we love this farce there are over a million views and BBC broadcast it.

    But compliments to the author of this article.

    • Good Bat on September 23, 2014 at 9:13 pm

      You have a point there. But we have taken a cue and we are working on it with some improvement. I heard that our equally frustrated passengers will kick a minister off a flight for delaying it while it is in the air and not allow him a parachute. So, you see, we are catching up on that score.

    • Subhro on September 24, 2014 at 4:00 am

      Good one Salman :D

    • Raju on September 24, 2014 at 11:28 am

      Hey, in Hyderabad ( India ) we kicked out a minister who wanted to Vote without standing in the Que. One up on you too.

    • Sunil on September 25, 2014 at 3:12 am

      Hi Salman,

      Not much to say but thanks for that video that got viral on major sites n news channels. But one more thing if 200 odd passengers can push a Pakistani Minister out of a flight which was delayed because of him. We 125 crore Indians can push the whole of Pakistan out of the map if they ever ask for Kashmir again. Who the f… is Bilawal?

  12. Not a Prokstani on September 23, 2014 at 4:35 pm

    Hi,
    Guys letter is in English. Bilawal ko samajh aayega?

  13. Bilawal on September 23, 2014 at 4:44 pm

    We don’t have any grudges against Pakistan, we are just against Chutiyapas, as you can see the way we treat our very own Rahul Gandhi, same is the way we will treat Bilawal. And those fighter Pakistanis who are abusing Indians through their comments, please don’t because we were the ones who helped Kashmir during the disaster
    And you don’t have funds to maintain your economy, Kashmir aa gaya to nanga khayega kya aur khilayega kya?

  14. Rajnish on September 23, 2014 at 4:46 pm

    Tell Bhutto : Pogo dekh Pogo :P

  15. Asif on September 23, 2014 at 5:07 pm

    Bilawal tu yahan bhi aa gaya?

  16. Pankaj Dhapola on September 23, 2014 at 5:51 pm

    Very well said dude.
    The most important part was
    “You should pat your back for having such clarity of thought when most Indians your age these days focus on cramming concepts of java and sql to get a job offer with a grand 50% hike at that Gurgaon MNC”

    Yes we are advancing through tehcnology, India is growing, we have left past the same old issue which Pakistan is still stuck at!

  17. YO YO HONEY SINGH on September 23, 2014 at 6:01 pm

    You truly make it look very easy with the speech nonetheless in locating this condition to become essentially something Personally i think I would personally certainly not fully grasp. It kind of feels too difficult and extremely broad personally.. YO YO HONEY SINGH We’re looking forward to your next submit, I will attempt to obtain the your hands on it!

  18. Talha Sheikh on September 23, 2014 at 7:33 pm

    Great Article. But, it could have been better if just these two statements were not there:

    “… the pretty lady minister whose handbag is worth more than the rest of Pakistan.”

    “…explain why you should get the state over which your country has got its ass whooped by India four times in the last 60 odd years?”

    Very condescending statements these two are. And Insulting.
    Other than them, the article is perfect. Specially loved the comparisons.

    PS. Shit got real in comments! :D

  19. Brad on September 23, 2014 at 7:59 pm

    Rahul Gandhi of Pakistan

  20. Harsh on September 23, 2014 at 8:53 pm

    Awesome 1 :-D
    maja aa gya

    ”Doodh mango ge to kheer dunga
    Kashmir maangoge to cheer dunga”

  21. Abhi on September 23, 2014 at 9:46 pm

    Good Stuff!!!loved it.

  22. AR on September 23, 2014 at 10:01 pm

    Why this kolaveri towards Bilawal Bhutto? Indian and Pakistani politicians are often using Kashmir for political speeches. Kashmir le lenge and Kashmir nahi denge are both the same things, especially when most of Kashmir just wants to be. Yes, India and Pakistan need to sort out this issue, and ordinary Indians need to stop outraging about it. I am always surprised why the average Indian cares so much about hanging on to Kashmir, when the average Kashmiri has had just about enough of this drama.

  23. Avishek on September 23, 2014 at 10:26 pm

    Excellent stuff!!!

  24. Jagdish Roy on September 23, 2014 at 11:31 pm

    All is well with the world … Why bother … that’s my notion !! Kashmir will remain where it has all these years, whether one smiles long or sheds miles-long tears.

    Captions create no emotion, options have stopped raising motion !!
    Who’s the Mother of Kashmir…try to find out without fears,
    It won’t budge an inch this way or that , say it with cheers.

    O you..in India and Pakistan,shake off that brain-teasing lotion !!
    Not annihilation but development is the call…only the sane hears,
    Dread and dead,threat and raid, only to the heart of insane nears.

  25. BhuttoSpeechesAreTheBest on September 23, 2014 at 11:34 pm

    If you do some research on this guy, you can see he’s been part of debate clubs. Being part of a debate club, I would expect him to be articulate and smart in his speech, EVEN IF he still chooses to talk about taking Kashmir from India (ye, not happening). At least try and not sound like that nerdy kid who got bullied to the point of ripping his shirt off in 6th grade to fight 5 guys, only to get his ass handed to him on a skewer.

    Tis a joke fellow interneteers, this guy is an absolute joke. Grew up in Dubai and London, went back to get into the family business and now he’s throwing his arms out like a PPP cheerleader.

    Honorable mention goes out to this part of the article:
    ‘Back to Kashmir. Come on yaar. Don’t look so sad. Okay we can try one thing. Why don’t you come on Arnab ji’s News Hour for a panel discussion and explain why you should get the state over which your country has got its ass whooped by India four times in the last 60 odd years? Fair deal?’

    4 times we beat your asses back to your border, a 5th is going to be fun. Hopefully if it ever does escalate to that point, I can rely on the Modi administration to hit back with force and not sit on their hands like Manmohanji and the Gandhi crew.

  26. hitu on September 23, 2014 at 11:36 pm

    Bhaiye yahan aake window seat toh leke bata kashmir toh dur ki baat hai…
    Rahul gandhi chahiye toh leke ja…

  27. Abdullah Shah on September 24, 2014 at 12:00 am

    Nice open letter to Bilawar Zardari. This stupid boy has never lived his life in Pakistan and he talk about PK politics. He can’t even talk properly Urdu.
    From Lahore

  28. Vipin on September 24, 2014 at 12:32 am

    “You want Kashmir. Yo Yo Honey Singh wants a Grammy. I want an iPhone 6. Tough luck”
    Best line..
    Its mysterious. I dont understand. Life at other places of the world is so advanced. Instead of advancing in science and working for earth environment, these fools are still fighting for their hatred and ego. Grow up suckers. Kashmir is not a land where you’ll get valleys of gold and rivers of nectar. It is a beautiful and sacred land, stop fighting and start admiring it with love.

  29. Kunzz on September 24, 2014 at 12:51 am

    Isko bol, india se apne liye ek underwear bi kharid k dikha de, usme bi hazaaro ched kar denge hum, fir soch me pad jayegi ki khaye kaha se aur. . . . …
    Kashmir toh door ki cheez hai bilawal bhai, abi apne papa ko bol ek cycle dilwa denge..

  30. hitu on September 24, 2014 at 12:55 am

    Mumbai local train main window seat toh leke bata pahle…

  31. trueindian on September 24, 2014 at 2:46 am

    Bilawal bhai, pehle jo Pakistan tumhe India se daan mein mila hai, woh toh theek se sambhaal lo, phir Kashmir ke baare mein sochna…..

  32. vasudev on September 24, 2014 at 4:04 am

    This article is one of the best I have read. Nice comparisons drawn up between the 2 morons of the neighbouring countries. :-D

  33. MAK on September 24, 2014 at 6:48 am

    The boy hasn’t mention the oppresion on the Muslims of Kashmir. He didn’t say that why only India Desrves Kashmir.
    It is really easy to criticize othrs just like I am criticizing on your letter. Grow up boy. Be Mature. This world is not like your ” dhoodh mangoge kheer denge Kashmir mangoge cheer denge”
    I have read in some history book that once Ganghi said ” Hindustan ki dharti hmari maa samaan(Maata) hai aur hm apni Maata k tukray ni honay denge”
    Tukray to ho gay . Kya kr lia kisi nay?
    Main Kashmir maang rha hn,, mujhay cheero? Hai dum?

    • Arpit More on September 24, 2014 at 5:48 pm

      Tujhya aai chi gho, baaileya!!!! bocha ghe bhocha bilwal cha..

    • Ad_Z on October 2, 2014 at 3:06 pm

      ‘Oppression on the Muslims of Kashmir’ – Are you f*@king kidding me?
      In case the oppression being alleged here is the fact that here is a set of people who have thus far enjoyed the all benefits of Indian citizenship, started businesses all over the country and the world, acquired a ridiculous number of properties everywhere in the country, exploited every reservation provided to them in higher education and even enjoyed subsidised food and electricity for years – All of this TAX FREE, of course – I agree, OPPRESSED!!
      And the icing on the cake is that they’ll hold up the Article 370 every time an “Outsider” Indian tries to so much as set foot in “their state”!!! And if you so much as allege the slightest amount of sedition…they’ll cry foul and have their homegrown “journalists” spew all manner of ludicrous shit against the Indian government and people into mainstream media and what’s worse – if there can be – people around the world will actually buy that rubbish!!!!

  34. Hufsah Nasir on September 24, 2014 at 11:18 am

    Hilarious piece of writing and spot-on! Bilawal shouldnt have said that, just like half the stuff politicians say on both sides!

    Having said that, as a Pakistani didn’t like the “ass whooped by India four times in the last 60 odd years” line.

  35. IndieWest on September 24, 2014 at 11:30 am

    I am a newbie to Read-and-Comment world. This piece was too tempting to make me leave a post for the following reasons(not in any particular order):

    1. The approach of comical delivery with no serious offense is impeccable.

    2. Language is, at many points, vernacular which makes it even more relative.

    3. “Boss, Kashmir to nahi mil payega. I mean you are cute and all that, you may have had an affair with the pretty lady minister whose handbag is worth more than the rest of Pakistan, but who said life is fair? You want Kashmir. Yo Yo Honey Singh wants a Grammy. I want an iPhone 6. Tough luck.” So well-written that it is going to stay in my head for a while.

    4. All my friends laughed reading this.

    Truly Deserving!

  36. Nikky on September 24, 2014 at 12:17 pm

    LOL What a cool and teasing post. It has smartness, intelligence, humor, praise, kickback…all written over.

  37. Mehmood khan on September 24, 2014 at 12:30 pm

    A track for corrupt Politicians :D by a 16 years old boy
    Please share as much as you can
    https://soundcloud.com/sunnykhandurrani/hakoomat-sunny-khan-durrani

  38. raghu on September 24, 2014 at 1:57 pm

    Awesome article!!! Kudos to the author and everyone who commented… I am sure Pakistanis are equally disgusted by the way this guy gave his words away let alone Indians…

    I can only hope an sensible leader would curb off the foolish cross border issues and let us Indians live in peace.

    Jai Hind.

  39. Anand on September 24, 2014 at 6:22 pm

    Hahaha… Too good…

  40. Shraddha on September 24, 2014 at 9:14 pm

    Well well well ..Dear Writer (sorry ur name is no visible thats why not able to mention your name) initially i thought this article need to be read …and i will definitely like it and i followed my mind …your opinion about Bilawal Bhutto is fair enough and i must appropriate your writing skills for that i liked the way u wrote “Pehle to wish you a very happy birthday. 26! Such a special age. Reminds me too of the time when i was young and stupid, though maybe not this much” .but what u wrote about Rahul Gandhi ..u should know he never was violent and never said bad things about bad neighborhood country. But you know what the problem is Boss for Rahul Gandhi u will say this is not patriotic at all and he is least bothered about his country because he do not shows aggression and says bad words.. So watch what you are saying and following.

  41. Proud Indian on September 24, 2014 at 10:11 pm

    Their intellectual capacity doesn’t allow them to think beyond Kashmir which although is next door but way beyond their reach. Whereas we have reached Mars today.

  42. Gurmeet on September 24, 2014 at 10:29 pm

    Our Hockey Team does not suck on world stage

  43. sanjeev on September 25, 2014 at 7:57 am

    His Nana died shouting Kashmir Kashmir. His mother died shouting Kashmir Kashmir. Now…..
    Well his father though corrupt seems to be a wise man.

  44. Palani on September 25, 2014 at 9:25 am

    OMG! Kapil Sharma (Comedy Circus) has some serious competition now!!!

  45. Rajput on September 25, 2014 at 10:51 am

    Kashmir le lega…………halawa hain kya…

  46. Megha on September 25, 2014 at 11:22 am

    Kashmir belongs to us Kashmir belongs to them … Kashmir belongs to who what etc is what people are talking about. I , an average Indian look how we have all forgotten basic humanity. What about your little brothers who are scared to go to school wondering what will happen the next day before they learn history our science? What about your little sisters who can’t dream of walking in normal roads and watching the beauty of Kashmir. Our teenage sisters who can’t dare to fall in love with out of religion boys and vice versa. Our aunts and mothers who are suffering from tuberculosis and malaria. Or father’s and uncles who work in hostile bullet fearing environments to feed their families.

    Be a human. Talk about a geographic land ..definitely. But talk and claim your nationality only after you have helped Atleast one person from Kashmir.

    Spread humanity love and help someone. Anger can wait.

  47. Ananya on September 25, 2014 at 12:06 pm

    nice one…..btw even I want a iPhone 6
    Bilawal ji ye lo babaji ka thullu cz kashimir toh aapka hone se raha
    jai hind!!

  48. Syed Sharfuddin on September 25, 2014 at 3:01 pm

    This Kashmir thing takes your sleep away – doesn’t it? How things change in history man. First land grab, then admission of a dispute, then a big burp which sounds like a belly full after a good meal except that this one is stolen from the inhabitants of the place. Ek to chori aur ooper sey seena zori. So similar to what Israel has done in occupied Palestinian territories. Anyway, the good thing about democracy and good bilateral relations is you stick to your position and we to ours in the name of peace, prosperity and non interference in the internal affairs of other states. People know their human rights. They also know when to kick ass to claim their rights at the right time and right place.

  49. Krunal Patel on September 25, 2014 at 4:48 pm

    Al-Queda killed his mother, and they r now hell-bent to turn Pakistan into Caliphate (Islamic state) like ISIS did it to Iraq, where he wud get 100 lashes for not having a beard. Better focus there Son!

  50. Mohin on September 25, 2014 at 9:50 pm

    Kashmir na do yar. bacha to papu ha na…. Apni koi gashti si behn he de do

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All content on this site is the personal opinion of the writer. It is in no way related to their employer or their official policies. Most of what is written here is in a satirical tone. If it hurts your sensibilities, I sincerely apologize.
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