Looks like the great Indian state of Uttar Pradesh has some grand plans laid out. No, not the statues. This is even bigger.

The state government has plans for several ambitious highway projects, estimated to displace about 23000 of the total 1 lakh villages in the state. [link]

Among these projects is the 165 km Yamuna expressway which will reduce the Delhi-Agra drive to a 90 minute cruise. Just for this project some 43000 hectares of land has been acquired, and over 7 lakh people are going to be affected.

With over 20,000 villages getting displaced, that’s going to be a lot of people moving around. Raj Thackeray must be a worried man at the prospect of all those Bhaiyas moving to his land.

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Remember the much acclaimed $10 laptop? The same one that turned out to be a lame computing device?

They say - If at first you dont succeed, dont embarrass yourself by trying again.

Well, apparently the Indian government hasnt heard that one. They have gone and this time come up with a $35 tablet. [link]

Check out the proud minister, Mr Kapil Sibal. (If you can find him hidden under those eye brows. Somebody make a low cost lawn mower ASAP)

This tablet is priced at $35, and as of now is more of a research project with no commercial players involved whatsoever.

We think there’s more to it. It cant be that easy to make for $35 what MIT engineers haven’t been able to commercially produce for $200.

This device is probably just a giant phone connected to a dedicated call center in Gurgaon. Anything you attempt results in a call made to a BA graduate who will then perform that task on his Dell desktop. For webpages he will just have to read out the contents of the page you requested.

The minister plans to reduce the price down to $10, at which point the call center will be moved to Bangladesh for the additional saving.

How else could it be? We cant make leak proof stadium roofs for hundreds of crores. A tablet PC is far too complex.

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As if Bihar wasn’t already enough entertainment, we now have MLAs flinging shoes, slippers, chairs and tables at the speaker, or anybody else conveniently available.

Let’s look at the positive side. This must be a very fit bunch of politicians to be able to carry out this much heavy lifting of chairs and tables.

Can you ever imagine Atal Bihari throwing NeelKamal chairs around?

Or Sheila Dixit going on a rampage like a mini elephant, throwing potted plants around? She probably wouldn’t be able to lift even a single one.

These people are too physically fit to be politicians. Maybe they should go back to driving rickshaws on the streets of Patna.

Actually scratch that. Rickshaws drivers don’t deserve them.

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We all know that Indian hockey is in the crapper. We have gone from the high of Chak De India, to the low of the Phir Dil Do Hockey Ko debacle circa 2010 World cup.

But all is not completely unwell.

Brave young faces are appearing with a new found zeal for the game. An aggression never seen before in India.

Former National plyayer Sunil Ekka did his bit getting hockey back in the limelight, when he struck veteran umpire RS Suriya Prakash on the head with his hockey stick during the All-India MCC-Murugappa Gold Cup. [link]

He has been suspended for the rest of the tournament, and hopes that he will get the maximum punishment – a six month suspension, during which he will further hone his hockey skills.

Ekka was unavailable for comment, but must be very proud of his achievement. He hopes to become the face of Indian hockey, bringing with him a new found killer passion for the game. We hear he comes with a tag line of Karo ya Maro (Do or Die).

We are not convinced though. We still think they should bring back Shahrukh Khan as the coach of the Indian team. There’s no other way out.

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India’s shine has suddenly got cherry blossomed. India is double shining. Yes, the Rupee finally has its own symbol.

With this, India becomes only the fifth nation in the world to have a unique symbol for its currency. Nothing can stop us from being a world superpower now.

Meanwhile, we hear from a bird that Pakistan is planning to unveil its own symbol as well. Finalizing the design proved slightly tricky for them since China doesnt have a symbol for the Yuan yet, but in the end hard work and originality prevailed.

Here’s a sneak peek at the proposed symbol for the Pakistani Rupee. The symbol captures a P (for Pakistan), a R (for Rupee), and the green color represents Islam.

There are already whispers in Pakistani corridors that India copied the design proposed for the Pakistani currency. ISI is suspecting Madhuri Gupta of being a double agent who passed on the design to Indian authorities.

They are saying Rupaye mein kuchh kaala hai. We are not so sure; we just see someone going green with envy.

Maybe we should just let the money do the talking!

[BTW believe all this at your own peril. Birds aren't really famous for being very reliable]

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Today will be remembered in the annals of Indian history as All-is-Well day. Thanks to the Bharat Bandh organized by our Opposition parties to protest against rampant price rise.

Prices have been rising ever since the UPA government came to power. For a while we thought UPA stands for Upwards Prices Alliance.

After suffering so many years in silence, finally the cause of the aam aadmi has been taken up by the BJP. Even arch enemy, the Left, has left its reluctance to partner with the most unsecular party in the country, and is doing its part towards shutting us down.

For a while we thought UPA stands for Upwards Prices Always.

As of the time of this writing, the bandh has been a total success. #BharatBandh is the top trending topic on Twitter, which says a lot about the Opposition’s hold on new age social media as well as old fashioned gunda-gardi. Even #SachinIsGod never made it to the top of the charts.

Prices are already falling to record levels. I went to the grocery store to get some milk, and the shopkeeper happily offered to sell me a litre of milk for two rupees. Full cream, no less. A second later he added with a mysterious grin that he was out of stock, when i had already started formulating plans for emptying my bank account and going long on milk.

Even the auto driver charged less. “Saab maybe they will take a look at your milk deprived shrunken frame and assume we are going to the hospital.” Ten minutes later he found himself trying to escape an improvised petrol bomb hurled by an even more malnourished (as)sole.

Anyway, i digress.

Fact is, that Bandhs are the only mechanism left to the aam aadmi to protest against the government’s high handedness. When was the last time anybody listened to you? Remember the time when you went to to the bijli daftar doused in sweat to complain about a broken electricity meter, only to come back Rs 10k lighter to another bucketful of sweat over the next two months?

What are we to do if they dont listen?

Aate Daal ka bhaav has already risen to astronomical levels. Have you noticed what’s going on with fruits? You go to get a basket of Kiwis freshly imported from Europe, and it is Rs 150/kg. Apples cost Rs 120/kg. Even Bananas go for Rs 40 a dozen. What are we? Pakistan?

There were times when you could get a Samosa for a rupee. With two types of Chutney – a green one and a red one.  Today, you go to a Barista and a Cafe Mocha is a hundred rupees. I once fed twenty Brahmins with that much money.

There were times when you could get a Samosa for a rupee. With two types of Chutney.

We have no choice anymore but to go on a Bandh. Actually there’s another option – we could all get out on the streets and ask the government to at least reduce the price of Bananas. But it’s too hot this time of the year, and getting so many people would cost way too much money.

Laaton ke bhoots dont listen with words, so we do need to shake up the government from its apathy. A massive chakka jam (aka shutdown) should shake them up.

Its actually quite easy. Buses work best. Stop a few while they are close to major intersections, beat up the driver, turn the bus around to block the way, and, if feeling a bit adventurous, set it afire.

Trains are tricky. You jump on the track, wave a few lathis and flags, and hope that it will stop in time. But if you get one, then be prepared to be on TV for the rest of the day. Just make sure you give a few menacing looks to the camera. Smiles are for newbies; dont ever commit that mistake. Bananas dont get cheaper with smiles. It has to be a ruthless display of power.

Each bus that gets burnt; Each office that shuts down; Each school that tells its children to play WWE Smackdown on their PS3 and not come to school will bring the price of Bananas by a rupee.

Trains are tricky. You jump on the track, wave a few lathis and flags, and hope that it will stop in time.

Bandhs are good. They help shake the government from it’s slumber. Only when the government steps down from its high horse will prices come down. In a sense, the prices are stuck to a minister’s bottom.

Support the Bandh.

A Bandh does wonder for the national Carbon footprint. Al Gore will sleep peacefully tonight. (and China will execute a group of farmers accused of planning a China Bandh tomorrow.)  A Bandh gives our slouchy workforce a day of rest from the mundane routine of office life, besides giving redundant political parties a chance to do something for publicity.

As for price rise, seriously, what do you expect to happen when we lose thousands of crores of productivity due to a day of inactivity?

(Image courtesy: Reuters, NDTV)

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While we lesser minions get to carve a cake once a year, UP chief  minister Mayawati carved a new district out of some parts of Uttar Pradesh last week.

Good for her – she gets to consolidate her ever bulging vote bank muscle. This new district will be called Chhatrapati Shahuji Maharaj Nagar.

(Happy family. Rajiv, Sonia, and little Rahul and Priyanka Gandhi)

Only problem, Amethi forms part of this district and as it happens, it is the constituency Rajiv Gandhi used to represent in Parliament.

Now the Congress is livid that the region that their dear leader owned, err,  represented, gets somebody else’s name.

Apparently some names in the country were symbolic “and Amethi is one of them.” [link]

Of course, Rajiv Chowk in Delhi was where the Gandhi chain of departmental stores took birth, the Nehru Port Trust runs the largest port in India from where Nehru started his shipping company, and the Indira Gandhi airport in Delhi was the home airport of the Gandhi airline. All very symbolic reminders of all the favors the Gandhi family has done to this country.

Nice work Mayawati. You have caused such immense mental trauma to the millions of people who owe their everything to the Gandhi clan who gave up their lives to ensure that their will always be one seat that any Gandhi would win just by virtue of the powerful last name. Well, almost any Gandhi.

Naming scoreline now reads:

Gandhi clan: 2,123,367 roads/ bridges/ cities/ airports/ statues/ colleges/ hospitals named. (Unverified figure; could be higher)

Chhatrapati Shahuji: 1 district named.

Still a lot of catching up to do.

(Image courtesy: Tribune India)

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In a country that only knows and cares about one sport, a Saina Nehwal comes as a pleasant reminder that we Indians are capable of producing world class sports persons who can take on the best in the game.

Saina’s current form has seen her win three titles on the trot – the Indian Open, the Indonesian Open, and the Singapore Open.

The latter two are Super Series tournaments, the Badminton equivalent of the Tennis Grand Slams.

She is now ranked 3rd in the world, the only non-Chinese in the top six, and is expected to move to the second rank following these successes.

Saina has been playing Badminton since she was eight, when her father would wake her up at 4 every the morning and drop her off at the stadium 25 kilometer from home for training. Over time her training expenses rose to Rs 12000 per month, and her parents had to withdraw their PF savings to support their rising star. [Wikipidea]

A great favor they did the country. Kudos to such supportive parents; Indian parents aren’t known to be particularly supportive of careers in sports, unless maybe it is Cricket.

She went on to become the first Indian woman to win a Super series title in 2009, and hasnt looked back since. The top ranking doesnt look far off. She sure has the confidence to go the distance.

“It’s about fitness. If I’m fit, I’ll win.” [link]

Go Saina, Go. You are an inspiration to millions of Indians in serious need of worthy role models.

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Nitish Kumar is angry. Very angry. How dare Narendra Modi put up a poster showing them holding hands (awww…)? This when the Bihar Chief Minister had been eyeing the Muslim vote ahead of the assembly election.

Apparently, Modi should have taken Kumar’s permission before using his picture in the ad. Now after this terrible event, what will happen to his secular image? Who will vote for him?

God forbid, people begin to think that Bihar is about to leave its backwardness and try to emulate Gujarat’s model of development and growth!

*Shudder*

On a related note, this same righteous Nitish Kumar is alleged to have plagiarized a JNU student’s research paper, and published as a book written by him.

Such is the hypocrisy that goes around in the world…

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Good evening ladies and gents, this is Jhatka Butt reporting live from Shirdi, on your favorite news channel, the WTF Network. We The Fearless.

When Jhatka Is Here, There Is No Fear.

(*stare into camera for 5 seconds)

In today’s breaking news, Hrithik Ko Gussa Kyon Aaya? Just why is actor Hrithik Roshan so angry?

Hrithik Roshan went wild bashing up a dozen reporters in Shirdi. Later he realized his mistake and apologized for his actions.

But is an apology enough to control the damage his irresponsible actions have caused? Can sorry made a dead man alive? What about all the sentiments he hurt by his careless conduct?

(*roll eyes in disgust)

Earlier today Hrithik made a trip to Shirdi to seek Sai Baba’s blessings ahead of his forthcoming release. A group of journalists was on his tail all through the trip. At WTF it is always our duty to bring the latest happenings to our dear readers, as they happen. After all, We are The Fearless.

For no apparent reason Hrithik suddenly got upset and started snapping at the group of media persons, pushing and shoving  journos who would bravely do anything to get news to you.

There were some defiant statements on his Twitter account.

Visited Shirdi this morning, a family tradition before each release since decades. Dad, mom, su n me. But today was different, … [link]

But today was different, it took effort to pray with 30 media camera’s feeding off every private moment..tried to feel peace…couldn’t. .. [link]

Later, he issued a public apology.

Can’t believe they can now enter Gods shrine for TRP. Polite words requesting them were ignored. Right now I’m trying to forgive myself for loosing my cool. [link]

(*triumphant smile)

Last we checked, India was still a democracy where we all are equal. Nothing gives anybody the right to assault another person, even if it be a film star as big as Hrithik. Us – its our job. We may try to stab you with a microphone, we may try to push a camera inside your dog’s bathroom, we may call you all sorts of names. But it is different for us.

A few pointy questions. A few personal jabs. A couple of accusations of extra-marital affairs. These are all standard procedure. Why get bothered?

Hrithik should be ashamed of himself.

(* jab screen with pencil. Raise eyebrow)

Nobody messes with the media. Hrithiks may come and go, they will all eventually bow to our power. We dont just report the news. We MAKE the news. Errm…we make the news reach every home in India.

(*drum rolls, and visual of crazy elephant running amok in the wild)

In other news today find out about the new love in the life of Bobby Deol’s cat. Later, the Parliament today successfully passed a no confidence motion against the government.

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