The CommonWealth Games are coming up in Delhi in a few months. The government expects over one hundred thousand foreign athletes and tourists visiting the city.

Our attitude towards foreigners needs to change drastically if we hope to entertain any hopes of this being India’s coming-out party in a way even remotely close to what the Beijing Olympics were for China.

Foreigners are the easiest target in India. They are the most cooperative (willing or not) when it comes to fleecing. They will be charged auto/taxi fares that are exorbitant even in dollars. They will be mobbed into submission at the hands of beggars. They will be harassed, groped, molested, sometimes much worse.

Not sure if attitudes can change in such a rapid time frame, but here’s a step towards spreading awareness. A radio version of this ad is appearing rather often these days.

So the next time you think of misbehaving with a tourist, just picture Aamir Khan doing a Ghajini on you.

That should help.

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My name is Kalpana. A weird incident happened earlier this week as i was going home after getting my hair done. I saw a car burning on the road, and i think there was someone inside.

I have seen a lot in my years on Delhi roads, but nothing comes close to this one. Not even the time when i saw four masked men forcibly push a young girl into their Honda Civic (nice car, but i wouldn’t be caught dead in one. Everybody seems to own one these days), but didn’t raise an alarm since i had to leave for the States that night, and didn’t want any complications.

It had been a long week. The husband had been making preparations for an upcoming business trip. I had been busy with the kids, the social circuit, and all the shaadis. Damn November. I attended 5 weddings Monday night and still ended up missing a couple.

Anyways…yesterday  the hubby had to go to get his UK visa stamped, and picked me up on the way back. As we were traveling on this busy South Delhi road, i noticed this car that had seemed to erupt in flames all of a sudden. I think there was a couple inside the car, and could see them struggling to get out of the car.

I saw the car behind them stop, and the man inside rushed to their rescue. He tried opening the door of the still burning car with little success. Then he started waving others to stop. Why, i wanted to ask him? You don’t care for your life, and want others too to get their hands burnt (awesome pun..eh? I am convent educated, you know) trying to save a stranger.

Besides, no good ever comes out of being a good Samaritan in these modern times. The police will harass you. You will have to make a million court visits. Anyway, nothing can change fate. If they were destined to be saved then they would have been saved. Why should i waste half an hour of my life over a meaningless cause?

Thankfully this car was in the left lane, or traffic would have gotten totally messed up. You know how Delhi traffic is….one car breaks down and the domino effect ripples down to all surrounding areas resulting in long jams. The honking. The cursing. The cutting in and out of traffic. I take utmost care to be a responsible car owner – my driver has strict instructions not to use the horn more than fifty times in an hour.

Back to the burning car. As we were passing the car, i noticed Mr Braveheart managed to pull the husband out of the car and was trying to help the woman. He didn’t seem to be getting anywhere, but only getting severely burnt himself. Meanwhile nobody else bothered to stop, though traffic had considerably slowed down. Who said Delhi doesn’t care? Everybody’s eyes were focused only on that single car. What’s so bad if people were sensible enough not to endanger their own lives and add to the already existing problems.

I am famous in the circuit as being a strong willed, brave soul. The husband though, is a weakling. He actually considered stopping and helping, but i told the driver not to even think about it. Emotions! Another word for dumbness, i tell you.

Later on they said in news reports that the man got saved but the woman died. Apparently the fire was so intense that her burnt body melted into the car seat. Horrifying!

Now they say that Delhi didn’t care to help. Why should Delhi care? There are so many people in the city. If Delhi started stopping for every minor incident, then nothing will ever get done.

People come and People go. Who the hell cares!

(Author’s note: Kalpana is just a fictional character. Any resemblance to a living person is a mere, and rather startling, coincidence)

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Here’s priceless advice from a jaded veteran. Nine ways to keep your head on the crazy Delhi roads.

Roll in Style. Get a Tank. You will never get stuck in a traffic jam ever again. Look around for an Arjun MBT. The Indian army doesn’t seem to want it, and you might just get a great deal there.

It works three ways. First, people would get intimidated out of your path. Second, you can just fire up your 120mm gola and blow up anybody holding up traffic. Last and most practical way – you can simply go over hapless cars stuck in front.

Try finding another ATV that makes your life so easy.

Of course, you might not be able to meet the speed limit on the road that you just cleared up.

A Set of Oars. The importance of a pair of oars during rainy season can not be over-emphasized. Carry a set of oars in the car, and monsoons will become a happy season for you.

Imagine you are going home after a long day of work and come across this submerged underpass. Other hapless drivers will make a sad face and just wait like silly losers, but you will take out your oars, roll down the windows, and sail away to glory like the Tom Hanks of Castaway.

Talk the talk, Cursive style. Learn as many abuses as you can. Not the English ones. Only Hindi will do.

A solid repertoire comes in handy if you get caught up in a little argument. Try for at least a dozen two pounders.  If you can manage a two kg, it will be a killer. A 5 kg, and nobody will even dare get in a confrontation with you.

Know thy Police Wala. Name throwing is what Delhiites do. Whenever a police wala catches you, you can always say tu jaanta nahi hai mai kaun hoon (you have no idea who i am). Followed by the name of the local ACP, who can be your mama/chacha (uncle) as per preference.

Of course, you need to be sure that it isnt the ACP himself hauling you up. That would be very embarrassing.

Walk. Walking can do wonders for your life.

• You can never be stuck in a traffic jam.
• You can get some  much needed exercise.
• You can actually enjoy the sights and sounds of the city.
• You save petrol money.
• You do a good bit for the environment.

Carry along a Plucker. A plucker is a very handy device that is probably used by Jain monks somewhere to get rid of the hair on their head,  one tiny pull at a time, en route to penance.

How will this help you might wonder. The deal is that this will keep you distracted when stuck on outer ring road for multiple hours. Keep plucking away, and the temptation to bang your head on the windshield wont be an issue anymore.

As an aside, for those without any hair on the head, try the legs.

Deci-Bal . Use a regular horn at your own risk. We recommend getting one that belts out so many decibels that just the force of your sound scatters everybody blocking your path.

If a jet plane goes at 100db, find a horn that belts out 200. Use it well, and you could be the local Shaktiman protecting the innocent from the evil.

Fly Away. Ask your neighborhood mechanic to fit in a sixth gear in your car. With a sixth gear, your car would be able to fly.

Many people in Delhi think that their cars have sixth gears – they are mistaken. Make sure you go to a trustworthy mechanic, and not a fly-by-night operator. If you are unable to find one, go back to point 1.

Don’t Walk. Walking may be good and all that, but one fine day when you are navigating the traffic while crossing the road in the middle of the market, this guy in a tank rolls up and just drives over you. You will be reduced to a mere paste.

Do not walk. It is for your own safety.

There you go. Follow these rules, and life will not be the same for you. The next time you actually enjoy driving in Delhi, think of me when you get home.

(About the author: The author is a veteran on Delhi roads. He has been driving for over a decade now, and specializes in long distance commutes. He once spent 5 hours doing a commute that normally takes an hour, and ever since people have noticed how he seems to have lesser hair on his head than earlier. Over the years he has built up an impressive repertoire of 2 and 5kgs, and looks forward to an occasion to put his skills to the test. He has never been hauled up by a cop except that one time when he was a silly teenager and paid Rs 100 to a cop because he didn’t have change in his pocket, and didnt know any better.

He continues to look for a mechanic who can fit that damn sixth gear in his car.)

(Image1 – Chinese Tankman  at Tianenmen square)

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So Delhi nearly drowned earlier this week. The reason – a few hours of relatively heavy rainfall.

Everybody has been going crazy due to the incredible heat. Farmers have been going crazy in the absence of rain. People are dying. Farms wear a barren look. Everybody is yearning for some respite.

When the respite finally arrives, what do we have?

Massive (in the true sense of the word) traffic jams all over the city. Flooded drains. Submerged underpasses. Missing electricity.

The Moolchand Underpass went Underwater

Water water everywhere
Not a chullu bhar to drown

I personally endured a 5 hour commute when it usually takes just one. My colleagues didn’t fare any better. From newspaper reports, nobody reached home on time that night.

The ordeal was to continue into the next day though. Another long commute to work. Some people reached their offices. Some gave up midway and went back home.

And they all stood patiently…waiting to get to work

Even though Delhiites aren’t quite known to be patient!

This from the biggest city of one of the self-proclaimed superpowers of the world. A nation aspiring to greatness. A PM who wouldn’t take anything less than a permanent seat in the UN security council.

The MCD officials were probably too busy inventing people on the payroll to worry about basic stuff such as cleaning up flood drains, or whatever else it takes to keep a modern city from getting drowned after a little downpour.

As usual, the game of passing-the-buck has begun, and nobody is going to be held accountable for the sad state of affairs in the capital of India. Life will go on.

Jai Ho, my dear land of ironies.

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Driving in Delhi is an experience unlike anything else. If you think you know driving, try driving in Delhi for a week. You will return with a new perspective on life.

Delhiites give a new meaning to driving. Once these people sit inside a vehicle (or on it, in some cases), they undergo a transformation. They are not human anymore. They are warriors, ready for business.

Honking Away to Glory

Horns mean different things to different people at different times. For some, a horn is a way of informing everybody that you are out and about. These people will honk whenever they do anything. They will honk when they start the car. They will honk when they stop the car. They will honk when they pass a car. They will honk when a light turns red, and honk louder when it turns green.

As soon as a traffic light turns green a thousand impatient horns go off. God forbid if you get nervous and drop the clutch necessitating a car restart. Heaven have mercy on you if your car refuses to start. You might just die from the shame of a million glares coming your way.

Lanes are a Pain

Less sophisticated societies use devices known as indicators to alert other drivers when they turn or try to change lanes. Not in Delhi. Firstly lanes are meaningless here. The misinformed and misguided government comes in and marks a three lane road. Little does it know that we the people can actually manage five lanes on such a road. It’s called sharing. A little horn here and a little nudge there, and we can achieve optimum utilization of our roads.

Anyway, back to indicators. Elsewhere, people turn on an indicator when they want to change lanes, and people following them slow down to enable them to make the change. In India we do it differently. We don’t use indicators. Our gut sense is good enough for us to make sudden and rapid changes, sometimes across multiple lanes. When some novice driver makes the mistake of using the indicator we just speed up and go past, until the sad soul realizes his naivety.

Real men don’t feel pain. They don’t cry. They also don’t use an indicator. We in Delhi – we are all khaalis mard. All Man.

Survival of the Fittest

On Delhi roads, nothing is out of bounds. We can add lanes to roads on the fly. We can drive two cars in one lane. Hell, if somebody doesn’t cooperate we can just run him down with our Tata Sumos. If we are unable to find space on our side of the road, we can borrow some from the opposite direction. The name of the game is cooperation.

Darwin talked about survival of the fittest. We proud people of Delhi have taken it to a new level. If you are not ready for it, dont dare venture out. We will hunt you down and teach you a lesson. You gotta be strong enough. You gotta be a very refined driver to survive on the streets. You ought not to leave a metre’s gap in front of your car in the cash lane of the toll plaza or we will cut across you in a superior show of skill and then show you a middle finger. We don’t want any losers on Delhi roads.

The naïve might call it all one big, painful, awful mess. Little do they know the beauty and humanity behind it all.

We are teaching our kids important lessons on how to survive in this world. They will thank us when civilization is gone, and man is back to living in jungles.

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