Open Letter To Mike Hooper

September 21, 2010

Dear Mike Hooper,

Just read this news item about your displeasure with the state-of-the-art Commonwealth Games village we have prepared in Delhi. Must say we are disappointed with your disappointment.

You’re not being a good guest.

You see we have spent billions of dollars on this event. We changed the tiles on pavements all over New Delhi. We changed all street lights, in alternating pattern of green and orange. We setup millions of those reflecting signs outside buildings as meaningless as Mizoram Bhavan. Maybe you should make a trip on Ring Road to count the number of potted plants. Each one of those cost us Rs 10,000, that too bargain price because of the bulk order.

Anyway, we digress. Back to the point.

A good guest is nice to the host. You sleep where we put you. You eat what we feed you. No we-are-from-a-developed-country crap there. But you seem to be behaving like that NRI who visits his family in India and then complains about the coir mattresses and power cuts.

Not to say that we are any less developed. Do you know the price of a 3 BHK apartment in Gurgaon? People in that city are so elite that we hear they actually wipe themselves with ten rupee notes. (Sometimes they are forced to, because there’s no water, but let’s discuss more important stuff for now.)

Did you know how many Bollywood movies we produce in a year? Did you know that Kylie Minogue actually sung in one of them? Did you know we have Mc Donalds!?

Fancy buildings in Gurgaon. Beat that, Manchester.

We digress again.

A good guest doesn’t complain about unkempt rooms. Or paan stained walls. Or dogs sleeping in their beds. Besides, like the women keep saying, aren’t all men dogs?

By the way, whats wrong with the workers using your apartments? They are the ones who made them - might as well get to test their creations.

And what did you say about the village? Filthy and Uninhabitable?

Do you know how much we sold those apartments for? And do you know how quickly they got lapped up by the people of this city? It is probably your mind that is filthy and uninhabitable.

Fret not. You are in the right place for a nice mind cleanup. Once the games are done, we will set you up with a nice swami who will fix you up alright.

We are actually a bit curious now. Did you guys come to our country to play games, or for 5 star luxury? We thought you wanted us to portray the real India. Now that we’ve worked so hard at fulfilling your wish why are you turning Chicken?

Surely you didn’t come to our city just for the tandoori murga?

Obviously you didn’t brush up on Hindu mythology before landing up in our world class T3 terminal at the Delhi Airport. (Isn’t she a beauty? We are told T3 is much bigger than anything in your England.) In Indian mythology, Lord Krishna got a new city created overnight and transferred all of his people in their sleep. That’s what we are capable of buddy. And to think you’d accuse us of messing up a silly village?

Never before have we been so humiliated. We do the Commonwealth a favor, and get this in return?

You should know that in Indian culture we always leave an eyesore to cast off bad luck. We hang an old shoe from our CNG cars, we mark black spots on our cutie babies, we always make sure all evil is kept away. We didnt want to make a big hue and cry about this, but now do you get it?

The mosquitoes, the dirty bathrooms, they are all there for a reason. Your welfare.

Our sports minister recently compared the Commonwealth Games to a Punjabi wedding. You know why? Because they are lavish, grand, colorful celebrations of life. (And also money.)

Also, if the groom tries to run away from the altar, the bride’s family catches hold of him and cut his balls off.

Get it? There, that’s a good boy.

- Your friendly hosts.

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87 Responses to “ Open Letter To Mike Hooper ”

  1. Mukesh on September 24, 2010 at 10:13 pm

    Well the sad reality remains that despite having spent such large sum of public money and trumpets of self glory the corruption in India has made us hang our heads in shame.

    I understand the sentiments of this letter and being defensive on this episode. However I believe we will be better served as a nation if we acknowledge the facts and take it as a challenge to do better in future and demonstrate to the world that India is not what a few handful of corrupt politicians and govt officials have projected, but India is what a hard working, majority of honest Indians who work hard daily to put food on table for family, provide housing to the family and give best education to the kids.

    We must rise to the occasion and take an oath today that we will throw out these corrupt politicians and fight for dignity and respect our great country deserves.

    Jai Hind

  2. Mukesh on September 24, 2010 at 11:13 pm

    Actually wait a sec.. I just got a hunch.. may be it is all part of a grand scheme of things have missed. And it has already started working with top athletes from other countries not participating.. India can win a few more medals.

    Damm.. why did not I think of it earlier..

    Keep it up.. may be we mortals donot understand the bigger picture… And no prizes for guessing it right.. Who will get all the accolades after India wins all those medals… Wow.

  3. HP Luthera on September 28, 2010 at 6:05 am

    There is an expression in Punjabi “Mein na Manu” that is the typical attitude you have shown in your emails. There is nothing to be proud in what the show has been and it is indeed shameful. You can not boast of India’s achievements as cover up, Buck stops at whether the project was delivered in time or not. In this case there is clossal failure no wo opinions about it.
    And all parties including CWG are to be blamed they can not hide behind the post failure whistle blowing.

    Why PM now intervening if it was his or govt call why did not they acted in time or kept a tight control over it?

    There is a word “Sorry” in english and some people never say that. Because they are themselves ” “Sorry de” they should not have been incharge at the first place.
    Bad show man and your article is in very bad taste and you stoop low in the language you used , you can reason the with truth but bullying with lies and failures is mafia style,
    God bless you for the sinful thinking.

    • Roshni on October 12, 2010 at 4:50 am

      *sigh* After all, we are all sinners…one may as well be hung for a sheep as for a lamb!

  4. SAMPATH on September 28, 2010 at 11:16 am

    Dear Amreekandesi,
    A hard slap on the face of Mike Hooper.Why did he not point out all these shortcomings earlier.He seems to be part of the conspiracy by some countries and individuals to bring discredit to India.The media in India is also blowing up even small issues and castigating the country.CWG will be a grand success and hamara Bharat is mahaan.

    • Roshni on October 12, 2010 at 4:51 am

      Absolutely right! And those lily-livered swimmers who got diarrhea…how dare they not train their tummies beforehand to tolerate Indian water?!?!?!

  5. Bye Bye 2010 | AmreekanDesi on December 31, 2010 at 5:16 pm

    […] Open Letter to Mike Hooper […]

  6. Richard Hollberg on January 6, 2011 at 12:17 am

    Great article. Waiting for more.

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