Open Letter to the Prime Minister

August 28, 2013

Dear Sirjee,

I have bad memory. Almost pathetic at times. Every year i end up getting confused whether the wife’s birthday is on 7th or 8th April. One day i’ll get beaten up, i tell you. I am now thinking of ordering discounted stock of Revital from Amazon. Salman ji has been doing it for 15 years and look at how well he is doing in life. How many times has his wife beaten him up for forgetting her birthday or anniversary? ZERO.

But some things just stick in the cerebrum, or whatever they call it these days. I remember lining up in front of the TV set every Sunday morning for that weekly dose of Ducktales, followed by Tailspin. I remember getting samosas that cost a rupee each. (As i wrote that last one, i think i heard a loud LOL from somewhere deep inside)

I also remember you asking us to get you back to power in 2008, with promises to turn around the economy in 100 days. Well sirjee, it is close to fifteen hundred days now, and the only thing turning around is our nation’s forefathers, who must be going round and round in their graves, thanks to all the scams.

And the rupee!!

Yaar pehle bataya hota to i would have stayed on in the US for a few more years and made some more dollars. Or at least not got all of my dollars converted at the pathetic rate back in 2008. If i had all that foreign exchange today, i could have easily bought a 2BHK in Gurgaon.

Anyway, it is not like its your fault. You’re just a puppet, err person who is super-smart and has a lot of degrees. You know one of my friends was ranting against you with the usual media drivel. Lame-duck. Puppet. Etc. The moment he used the p-word, i punched him in the face. After all, Jagdish Chandra Bose clearly showed that even puppets have emotions.

Ah crap, that was plants.

You know what, i can empathize with you. Things are an absolute mess right now. The rupee is sliding like it is enjoying a vacation at a water park in Sonipat. And i think there is an ongoing competition among economists to write jargon-laden articles that no one can understand.

You are such a learned man, surely you can throw some economic mumbo-jumbo that will restore investor faith in the market and everybody will give us their money, and all will be good again.

I have a strong suspicion that you are going to pull a Dhoni on us, go for the long handle in the slog overs, and win the match single-handedly.

Jaitley bowls a googly. Singh hits it for a scintillating cover drive.

Modi takes close catching position. Singh goes over the top for a six that lands in the Yamuna.

THAT sort of stuff is fun to watch. Dramatic turnarounds. Go right to the fiscal cliff and come back grinning. Not boring 5% growth year on year. There’s a reason Dravid never got as much press as Kohli. You’re a wise man sir. You make me wish i had also studied economics or something fancy like it.

Who knows, maybe the Food Security Bill might be that turning point shows that Singh is King. Of course, credit also to Rajiv ji who surely envisioned this bill back in the day. So what if we can’t afford the additional expense? It’s not like we have taken a personal loan from ICICI for them to come and repossess our Ford Ikon. That’s a problem for the next government. Tee hee.

One thing that makes me upset is when people try to blame you for everything. Look at the fiasco of the lost Coalgate files.  Big bloody deal. It is a good thing that the files got lost. We need to save the environment, and maybe this will be a lesson for people to use computers for stuff other than looking at Katrina ji’s pictures all day.

As for me, sir - i am just so inspired by you. Here i am, breaking my butt on a chair all day only to get a paycheck every month that is about 69% of my salary. Taxes sir, taxes. The sad part of being salaried is that there is no escaping them. If only i had become a real professional like a doctor or a property dealer, i too would have become something in life. But here i am, harping on about how my taxes should go for road-building, when there are so many better things you guys can do with them. This is why they say that we Indians are like frogs in a pond. Just can’t think outside the well.

Maybe i should have become a politician. All you need to do is go to Parliament a few months in a year, shout a few slogans, get an adjournment, quickly eat discounted snacks at the canteen, and spend the rest of time serving your people selflessly.

I of course make it sound trivial. Surely it isn’t easy keeping a straight face and not saying anything when everybody wants you to speak. I admire that, sir. I truly admire it. You’re not a 5 year old who will recite a poem to Bhalla ji from the neighborhood when he comes over for free tea and biscuits. It takes a brave man to not bow to pressure like that.

Sir, i just can’t wait for you to return to power next year and make India the developed country it deserves to be.

Even our ancient scriptures say that you can’t give up till you have tried seven times. You’ve just had two terms.  Five more to go. Maybe you should also try Revital for the extra energy. Theek hai?

[Image courtesy]

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8 Responses to “ Open Letter to the Prime Minister ”

  1. Ekta on August 28, 2013 at 4:37 pm

    Of all the things you have written..Last line is the best :)
    Theek Hai!!

    Because I think our PM has not spoken anything better than this in the last 10 years.

    All I pray is to get an onsite, because if its congress again in 2014 Elections, I do not want to stay in India any more. Enough !!

    • Ravi Teja on November 11, 2014 at 1:32 pm

      Theek hai…!!

  2. Tathagat Khandelwal on August 28, 2013 at 5:34 pm

    Very Well Written :)

  3. lifesorchestra on August 28, 2013 at 5:58 pm

    I was in India last summers. I had not gone shopping for anything for past 5-6 years in India. Out of the blue one day, I had that urge to have a Shikanji. Mom asked me to bring lemons. I went to the local Sabjiwala and gave him a 5 rupee coin and asked for lemons. He took a deep and strange long look at me and gave a single lemon in return. Taking that single lemon in my hand, both of us looked confusingly at each other. Me thinking, where are the rest of lemons and he thinking, what is this guy waiting for. (Reality Check!)

  4. akshay bhandari on August 28, 2013 at 7:44 pm

    i read it paragraph to paragraph…..from bottom to up!!!!
    its even better tat way!!!!

  5. latasuksham on August 29, 2013 at 8:11 pm

    Beautifully written

  6. Ms on September 13, 2013 at 6:31 am

    Reply from sirjee to amreekandesi “dear Amreeki Bhai, you say only two terms? Believe me, Ek Ek lamha Ek umr jaise guzra hai”.

  7. Ravi Teja on November 11, 2014 at 1:30 pm

    lol!!! nice…

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