How to Survive on Delhi’s Roads
Here’s priceless advice from a jaded veteran. Nine ways to keep your head on the crazy Delhi roads.
Roll in Style. Get a Tank. You will never get stuck in a traffic jam ever again. Look around for an Arjun MBT. The Indian army doesn’t seem to want it, and you might just get a great deal there.
It works three ways. First, people would get intimidated out of your path. Second, you can just fire up your 120mm gola and blow up anybody holding up traffic. Last and most practical way – you can simply go over hapless cars stuck in front.
Try finding another ATV that makes your life so easy.
Of course, you might not be able to meet the speed limit on the road that you just cleared up.
A Set of Oars. The importance of a pair of oars during rainy season can not be over-emphasized. Carry a set of oars in the car, and monsoons will become a happy season for you.
Imagine you are going home after a long day of work and come across this submerged underpass. Other hapless drivers will make a sad face and just wait like silly losers, but you will take out your oars, roll down the windows, and sail away to glory like the Tom Hanks of Castaway.
Talk the talk, Cursive style. Learn as many abuses as you can. Not the English ones. Only Hindi will do.
A solid repertoire comes in handy if you get caught up in a little argument. Try for at least a dozen two pounders. If you can manage a two kg, it will be a killer. A 5 kg, and nobody will even dare get in a confrontation with you.
Know thy Police Wala. Name throwing is what Delhiites do. Whenever a police wala catches you, you can always say tu jaanta nahi hai mai kaun hoon (you have no idea who i am). Followed by the name of the local ACP, who can be your mama/chacha (uncle) as per preference.
Of course, you need to be sure that it isnt the ACP himself hauling you up. That would be very embarrassing.
Walk. Walking can do wonders for your life.
- You can never be stuck in a traffic jam.
- You can get some much needed exercise.
- You can actually enjoy the sights and sounds of the city.
- You save petrol money.
- You do a good bit for the environment.
Carry along a Plucker. A plucker is a very handy device that is probably used by Jain monks somewhere to get rid of the hair on their head, one tiny pull at a time, en route to penance.
How will this help you might wonder. The deal is that this will keep you distracted when stuck on outer ring road for multiple hours. Keep plucking away, and the temptation to bang your head on the windshield wont be an issue anymore.
As an aside, for those without any hair on the head, try the legs.
Deci-Bal . Use a regular horn at your own risk. We recommend getting one that belts out so many decibels that just the force of your sound scatters everybody blocking your path.
If a jet plane goes at 100db, find a horn that belts out 200. Use it well, and you could be the local Shaktiman protecting the innocent from the evil.
Fly Away. Ask your neighborhood mechanic to fit in a sixth gear in your car. With a sixth gear, your car would be able to fly.
Many people in Delhi think that their cars have sixth gears – they are mistaken. Make sure you go to a trustworthy mechanic, and not a fly-by-night operator. If you are unable to find one, go back to point 1.
Don’t Walk. Walking may be good and all that, but one fine day when you are navigating the traffic while crossing the road in the middle of the market, this guy in a tank rolls up and just drives over you. You will be reduced to a mere paste.
Do not walk. It is for your own safety.
There you go. Follow these rules, and life will not be the same for you. The next time you actually enjoy driving in Delhi, think of me when you get home.
(About the author: The author is a veteran on Delhi roads. He has been driving for over a decade now, and specializes in long distance commutes. He once spent 5 hours doing a commute that normally takes an hour, and ever since people have noticed how he seems to have lesser hair on his head than earlier. Over the years he has built up an impressive repertoire of 2 and 5kgs, and looks forward to an occasion to put his skills to the test. He has never been hauled up by a cop except that one time when he was a silly teenager and paid Rs 100 to a cop because he didn’t have change in his pocket, and didnt know any better.
He continues to look for a mechanic who can fit that damn sixth gear in his car.)
(Image1 – Chinese Tankman at Tianenmen square)