Open Letter to Bilawal Bhutto
Dear Bilawal ji,
Pehle to wish you a very happy birthday. 26! Such a special age. Reminds me too of the time when i was young and stupid, though maybe not this much. As a special gift for your happy day, you are trending on social media and every Indian is talking about you. How’s that for neighborly love? Say thanks. Where are your manners, yaar?
I heard THAT video clip with great interest. The one where you said that you will make sure that you get every inch of Kashmir for Pakistan. Boss, such determination at this young age is something to be proud of. You should pat your back for having such clarity of thought when most Indians your age these days focus on cramming concepts of java and sql to get a job offer with a grand 50% hike at that Gurgaon MNC. Tells you something about misplaced priorities.
Going back to the speech. I love the raw josh and enthusiasm with which you spoke the words. ‘lawange lawange…kashmir…poora ka poora kashmir….pakistan da kashmir….lawange.‘ The way you raised your hands, pumped up the vocal cords, and spoke, like a WWE announcer, except that your voice hasn’t even broken yet, which made it sound more adorable than terrifying. Add to that your smashing looks, and boss, if i had been there, i would have kissed your cheek and pinched those shiny cheeks of yours out of purely platonic love. You sly fox, you are going to get votes from women for being cute and from men for this speech.
Boss, Kashmir to nahi mil payega. I mean you are cute and all that, you may have had an affair with the pretty lady minister whose handbag is worth more than the rest of Pakistan, but who said life is fair? You want Kashmir. Yo Yo Honey Singh wants a Grammy. I want an iPhone 6. Tough luck.
But we can manage another gift for you. A time machine. Yea baby, you heard it right. I can help you look into the future and see what life has in store for you.
There is a man, 44 years old, fair and lovely like you, youth heart-throb like you, England educated like you, born of political pedigree like you, and when he speaks it is the right mix of comedy and sincerity for his people. I present to you Rahul Gandhi. He is you, in 18 years. He is your time-machine. Just look at him to see what you are going to become. You’re welcome.
You know what all of India is thinking today? That India and Pakistan are so similar. We have the same cultures. We eat the same roti and butter chicken. We listen to the same pirated Bollywood music. Our Cricket teams are equally inconsistent and prone to temptations. Our Hockey teams had their moments of glory but now mostly suck at the world stage. Our politicians are a similar bunch of jokers. Our girls on both sides swoon when Shahrukh Khan opens his arms in his trademark gesture.
We have Rahul. They have you. See. Same to same.
Back to Kashmir. Come on yaar. Don’t look so sad. Okay we can try one thing. Why don’t you come on Arnab ji’s News Hour for a panel discussion and explain why you should get the state over which your country has got its ass whooped by India four times in the last 60 odd years? Fair deal?
If you can manage to speak ten complete uninterrupted sentences on his show, you can have the state. Bolo chalega? The only catch is that if you fail, you will watch Arbaaz Khan’s ‘Ma Tujhe Salaam’ on loop for a month and do the chicken- dance every time he says ‘doodh maangoge to kheer denge. Kashmir maangoge to cheer denge.’
[Image: Screengrab from this video]