An Open Letter to Priyanka Gandhi
Dear Mrs Vadra,
You are amazing. Just look at you. That nice cotton saree. Glowing complexion. Skin so white that you could be in a Fair and Lovely ad. You’re like Indira ji reborn as a Fab India dressed angel out to save India from evil communal forces.
You’ve taken on the big bad man, and how. The whole nation is revitalized. Your party is revitalized. I feel so revitalized that I have stopped taking my Revital. And thanks to you, we no longer have to listen to your brother make a mess of the art of public speaking.
[On that note, it may be time to enroll him in a Toastmasters program. I believe they might have a Delhi Dynasty chapter. Or at least make him go to some open-mic standup comedy events. Better make some money out of his special gift of making people laugh.]
Seriously, you are so adorable in your sisterly love for Rahul bhaiya. I hope he gives you a box of Cadbury celebrations every year on Rakhi. I like how you said in a 2009 interview that you think that he is super smart and has a great sense of which direction the wind is blowing, and how he was the only one to predict who will win the elections that year. How time flies. But what happened in the five years since then? Did he stop taking his Complan? Use bolo yaar. Young people need to make sure they get the right nutrition for their development during their growing years.
You know, I feel very sad that you feel very sad when they call your husband all sorts of names. He is such a noble man, in those tight shirts and sexy ties. And that mooch. Ooh. No wonder they say that mooch nahi to kuch nahi. Solid man. I tell you the only men who succeed in life are the ones who think big. Why stop at 3 BHK when you can own 4000 acres in Rajasthan? Why feel happy with a ten lakh salary when you could have a few thousand crores in Swiss accounts?
Vadra jiju is truly my icon. I have made his picture as the wallpaper on my iPhone. I look at him every day when I feel tired or exhausted, and a voice echoes in my head. ‘The woods are lovely, dark and deep, but there are acres to keep.’ And I feel rejuvenated. All thanks to your kind husband. He deserves all the SPG protection India can offer. He is a national treasure. What is 4000 acres, when he can own all of our hearts? We should hide him away in a secure vault so that no buri nazar can ever affect him.
The great visionary likely just needed all that land so that he could bring in new revolutionary farming techniques that will give our countrymen sufficient food to eat, but that is too complicated for lesser mortals, who cant understand vision and just have to crib.
As for people jealous of you, just ignore the BJP wallahs. They are all jealous. Damn jealous. Afraid that all the land will be gone by the time their turn comes. If ever it does. Haha. So communal. They are even worse than IT people.
Jealous. Jealous that they will never be able to marry someone so special as you. I mean, normal people talk of dowry in lakhs, maybe crores. Vadra jiju got a whole country. How awesome is that.
You did right by comparing them to a bunch of frustrated mice. I say the country needs Mortein rat kill to be air-dropped all over before they chew up our secular fabric.
And look at Mr 56 Inch Chest harping on about growth and Gujarat model? Of course you don’t need a 56 inch chest to run the country. You just need a remote control. Did I say they are jealous? Neighbor’s envy, owner’s pride, as the Onida ads used to say.
And then they talk of growth models or debates on economic policies. This clearly shows that they have no sense of Indian politics. Who needs a debate when we have got so many poor people whom you can gather around with free daaru, tell them that you care for them, give a nice emotional speech, flash your dimples, remind them of your Daadi, and then make sure they never get out of their misery, because god forbid they ever get out of their tiny wells and realize that the world has moved on, to smartphones, electricity, Facebook and 20% clearance sales of handloom sarees from Fab India. The middle class is the root of all evil, always rooting for Modi or Kejriwal or god knows which other new villain. They must not be allowed to spread their liberal nonsense.
I am getting goose-bumps just thinking what it must feel like to live your life. Surrounded by such greatness. A dashing brother, that dimpled icon of the youth, empowerer of the ladies (and emperor of our hearts I should add). A stud husband who drives the best bikes, owns the best land, got married into the best family, and has more muscles than he has acres of land. I can bet he wears Amul Macho underwear. A mom who knows Hindi good enough to be able to criticize her enemies as ‘maut ke saudagar’ and possessing ‘zaleel vichars’ (In your face, people who say she is from foreign). Come on now. How do you even manage to sleep with so much awesomeness all around?
You have all right to get offended when they make a hue and cry about your husband and his land holdings. I suggest you just make sure no BJP wala ever gets an apartment allotted in any DLF building. That will show them who’s the saas, sorry boss.
Keep going strong, Priyanka ji. Just keep posing like Indira ji, wear your handloom sarees, and use Colgate every day to keep those pearly whites in good shape. Your smile and dimples are the only thing that can stop our dear country for which your family sacrificed so much from going to the rats.
Oh, and please try not to spend too much time out in the open. There’s the loo. There’s the Modi ki hawa. You don’t want to get burnt.
[Image courtesy: iDiva]