Open Letter to Shri Robert Vadra

October 7, 2012

Dear Shri Robert Vadra ji,

I know you’re in the news for corruption and tax evasion charges, but don’t let that bog you down. You are bigger than that, and we are with you. And of course, there’s the union cabinet to take care of that. Salman hai na? [I am guessing that in the inner party circles, he goes as son-in-law minister. Hee hee.]

But on a serious note, you are such an inspiration, man.

You know how everybody has their life-changing moments? Buddha had it below than Banyan tree. Newton had it when that apple fell on his head. Poonam Pandey when she realized her best talent was taking her clothes off. Similarly, mine was when i saw a sign at the airport listing out the most important people in India, the ones exempted from getting their balls cupped by CISF officers.

President. Prime Minister. Cabinet Ministers. Chief Justice. Shri Robert Vadra.

Man, this must be an order of magnitude bigger than getting AIR 1 in IITJEE, 100 percentile in CAT and topping the civil services exam. In the same year. Mumma must be so proud.

Dude, you’re such a rockstar. And i felt important when Continental airlines sent me a one-time pass to the premium lounge. What a loser.

But i guess you were destined for greatness. Your mom was of Scottish origin, and dad an Indian. Always the mark of a great man to marry a foreigner, and i guess it also fit into the whole Gandhi family theme. But clearly, if there’s one thing you did well, it was getting married to Priyanka ji. Very nice lady she is, tall, charismatic, short hair and all that.

While most Indian men dream of marrying a woman who can get them a crore in dowry, you went long. And how. Good job there.

Don’t get me wrong, i am not like those stupid BJP walas, ranting against you. I truly adore you man. Your journey is going to inspire men and women for many centuries.

I mean, you got the airport frisking exemption even before the chiefs of our defense services. That is so FREAKING AWESOME.

Of course, you are not all about being the first-son-in-law of the country. There’s more to you. Like spending time in the gym to give a complex to Salman and Hrithik. You’re forty and have a six pack of abs. I am 32 and my lungs turn into the Agni missile if i dare run a kilometer. You already have a mustache. I say you should shoot for the lead role in Dabangg 2.

Oh, and i love your 1800cc motorcycle. Even my car doesn’t have that many CCs. But then, the national jamai has to live in style, so it is cool. Kitna deti hai, btw?

There’s so much to you. I think you are doing a great job of removing gender stereotypes that crappy shows like Balika Vadhu are creating. There the bahus spend their time cooking, looking good and taking care of the family name. Here, you are making sure you look good, while taking care of the family name. This is just so sweet. I would do chubby cheeks to you, if i could.

Along the way, you’ve also built yourself a business empire. Stakes in hotels, apartments all over the place, everything totaling hundreds of crores. Excellent example for unmarried budding entrepreneurs. Just one suggestion – you should consider putting up those apartments for rent. Some supplemental income never hurts.

Awesome, man. Awesome. Very impressive.

Achha, one last thing. I hear you got a 10,000 square feet apartment in Gurgaon for 89 lakh. Boss, this is god-level bargaining skills. How did you manage? When i tried, they wouldn’t sell me an apartment a tenth of that size for that much. Can you please help getting that discount? Perhaps if we find ten other people, DLF might even give us a group discount and make it even cheaper.

Chalo boss, that’s it for now. Take care, keep rocking, and don’t worry about Kejriwal, the BJP, or Indian people. We forgot about Bofors, we’ve forgotten CWG, we’ve forgotten 2G, we’ll forget Coal G, we’ll forget JIJA JI as well.

[Image courtesy: India Today]

Disclaimer: Dear Kapil Sibal ji, i just mean this in good humor. If you are considering putting me in jail for this silly satirical post, please note that Suresh Raina’s nephew wrote it.]

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