The 10 Commandments of Writers
1) Thou shalt write for personal satisfaction. Don’t expect to buy yachts writing books. Or even more than a few kilo onions. Who do you think you are? Jhumpa Lahiri?
2) Thy publisher is thy god. Sing songs praising them every day. Do it when you wake up. Sing when you eat lunch. Sing when you go to the bathroom.
3) Thou shalt not covet another writer’s success. You’re not the first writer to think that your book, and your book alone, deserves the Booker prize. Sure. Uday Chopra deserves a Lifetime achievement Oscar too, but is he complaining?
4) Thou shalt not have more than ten exclamation marks in the title of your book.
5) Thou shalt not expect that the publisher will go out of their way to sell YOUR book. They published it already. Be thankful, you lazy writer. Go find a rickshaw and a mike and tell the world about it yourself.
6) Thou shalt not use sex to sell your book. Oh hell, who am I kidding? Fill it up with smut. People can’t have enough of heaving bosoms and teenagers going at it like rabbits.
7) Thou shalt not beg people to write reviews of your book on Flipkart, Goodreads, etc. Thou shalt prepare to go to hell if you write fake reviews yourself.
8) Thou shalt not rant against book reviewers, howsoever illogical their reviews might appear. Nobody would take a reviewer seriously if they only said good things about all books. Be grateful and thank them for wasting their time on your book.
9) Thou shalt do an MBA and increase thy chances of becoming a best-seller writer. MBA. Master of Book Accolades.
10) If you find a reader who reads your book, likes it, selflessly promotes it on Facebook and Twitter and writes five-star reviews on their blog and everywhere else, just marry them. Don’t worry about gender, caste or skin texture. Such people come by once in a lifetime.