Baba Ramdev’s Plan for Saving India
We’ve managed to lay our hands on what we believe is Baba Ramdev’s blueprint for India. Check out his ten steps that will change the face of India and rid the nation of all evil. And marvel at the genius.
1. Every Indian to perform pranayam every morning for 10 minutes. 20 times Lom Anulom (per nostril) as soon as you get up.
2. Government to publish rate lists for every public office, with the charges for various activities clearly displayed at the entrance. For example at the electricity office: New connection – Rs 10000. Faulty meter – Rs 3000, and so on. This would save citizens much heartburn on finding out they were overcharged because they didnt know the going rate.
3. No more foreign goods. No Nike. No Pepsi. No Katrina Kaif.
4. Every public announcement to first get approved by eminent personalities on Twitter. Any new proposal to be finalized only after getting a sign-off from at least twenty Twitterati, each with a minimum of 5000 followers.
Oh, and Twitter comes under the foreign goods category. TCS to be commissioned to write an Indian version of Twitter.
5. Schools in Bihar and Maharashtra to start a cultural exchange program called Manoos Bhaiyya. Kids from Patna and Mumbai to travel to each other’s cities, and learn more about the local culture.
6. Solitaire to be banned, with any violations punishable with death by drowning in the Yamuna. Getting rid of this evil Microsoft game is estimated to improve productivity across government and private sector offices by at least 75%.
7. Dowry to be legalized. And made taxable. People do it anyway; let the government makes some money out of it. At 30%, Andhra alone estimated to gain annual revenues of Rs 10 lakh crores just through the dowry tax. Distribute this to the poor farmers, and no one will ever commit suicide again.
8. Prominent news channel anchors to be given magisterial and police powers. This will enable them to deliver instant justice, instead of having to deliberate for weeks with experts and show two second clips a million times to convince viewers.
Say a journalist conducts a sting operation and finds anyone guilty of evil-doing, they will have the power to arrest them, conduct an on-the-spot trial, send to jail, and in the rarest of rare cases, shoot them point blank.
9. “Mere Baap Ka Beta Chor Hai.” Anybody found guilty of corruption to be immediately branded on the forehead. The power to do this will also be given to managers in private sector firms who will be able to perform this on anybody found submitting fake bills for reimbursement.
10. Television to be banned. Yes, you heard it right. All the ills of modern society are being spread by TV. No more soap operas, no more morally corrupt deodorant ads, no more Roadies. This alone will fix half of our problems.
Foolproof as it may seem, if by any chance this plan does not work then Shri Rajnikanth to be brought in to repeat the nation-saving act he so successfully demonstrated in Sivaji – The Boss.
Bam! Satyuga, here we come.
[We are all for the anti corruption movement, and have full faith in Baba Ramdev’s charismatic power. This post is just a satirical look at the corruption that has gotten so ingrained in our daily lives. There is too much to be fixed, and cynicism has now become as embedded in our minds as corruption. Here’s wishing the good baba all the best in his efforts.]