Open Letter to Justice Katju

March 31, 2013
By

Dear Katju sir,

Every generation has a rockstar. Our parents had Rajesh Khanna. Our grandparents had Bhagat Singh. Today’s kids have weird Japanese cartoon characters. But my generation, the one of gruelling IIT coaching and campus placements, might have just found its very own hero.

You. Your highness. Your awesomeness. Your amazingness.

Look at what you did with Sanjay Dutt. Smashing cover drive to the boundary. I mean, the courts may have sentenced  him to a five year imprisonment for the petty offense of possessing advanced rifles and hand grenades. Bah. Such a kiddish mistake. How old was he when he did it? 33? In the scale of the universe, 33 is not even a rounding error. At that age, many men of my generation may have receding hairlines, but at heart we are all kids, aren’t we?  What will they do next? Start sending toddlers to jail for hitting pedestrians on the head with water balloons on Holi?

Besides, how could they overlook the fact that he had acted in such an awesome movie like Munnabhai MBBS where he played a kind-hearted man who kidnapped people for ransom, and ran a fraud hospital. He may have made it glamorous to cheat people, but at least he made us laugh. Besides, his jaadu ki jhappi is the most revolutionary advance of medical technology in the last 10,000 years. But trust the world to not recognise talent in time. They did this with Alexander the great, Edison, Vinod Kambli, even Kangna Ranaut.

It took a man of your sharp intellect and past background as an esteemed judge of the Supreme  Court of India to point out his suffering by virtue of having been married for many years and having a couple of kids, in addition to the dilution of his crime because he spread the message of Gandhigiri in his second Munnabhai movie. Surely the man has suffered a lot, and deserves no more punishment. I hope the governor of Maharashtra makes things right by invalidating the separation of duties of the executive and judiciary our civics books used to tell us.

I also loved how you went the other way in an opinion piece where you declared your dislike for that vile chief minister of Gujarat, the man who keeps winning democratic elections like they are a joke, and thinks that economic development will make his crimes go away. Who cares if the courts have not found any evidence against him so far, when the court of your heart is convinced of his blame?

I think this is the right time to move justice out of courts and into social media. The French came to their senses very soon once the public started making meatballs of their heads. Khachak.

markandey-katju

Wikipedia tells me that you come from an esteemed family. Your dad was a judge in the Allahabad high court. Your granddad was a freedom fighter, chief minister of MP, governor of Bengal and Orissa, and the union cabinet minister. An uncle of yours was the chief justice of the Allahabad high court. No wonder you are such a genius.

Our country is screwed, as we all know. But then what else should we expect, given 90% of us are idiots? Or when we all vote like cattle? (And here i didn’t even know that cattle had elections. Guess i am also in that 90%).

People may say that you are a bit of a loose cannon, even (lord bless their soul for the travesty) suggesting that you are just an attention seeker who has an outlandish opinion on everything, even if it conflicts with your position as a former judge and current chairman of the Press Council of India. Idiots, again. Please don’t bother about them.

We clearly need some guidance, and it is India’s good fortune to have you volunteering to help. The judicial process is also obviously flawed, as people keep saying. I think it would help if you could prescribe a set of guidelines that help improve our pathetic lives. If i may take the liberty of extrapolating your thoughts, here’s a few suggestions:

  • Anybody who has had a spouse for more than five years be deemed as having suffered enough, and a year of their sentence be deducted for each year of being married.
  • Kids are torture, especially with 90% of them being idiots. I propose five years to be docked from all sentences per each child that the accused has.
  • Playing god or any member of the Gandhi household in a play, movie, or TV serial exempts one from any punishment for ever.
  • Similarly for fighting the Pakistanis or Chinese in a Bollywood movie. (which means Sunny Deol gets lifetime exemption from any Indian prison)
  • Given that 80% of Hindus and 80% of Muslim are communal (another of your profound observations), let them only marry each other in a manner that ensure that communal Hindus marry secular Muslims, and vice-versa. After a few generations, the problem will be wiped out.
  • Let all disputes be settled via Twitter and Facebook. The party whose plea gets more RTs or ‘likes’ wins the case. Simple, efficient, democratic, cheap, and fast.
  • Any traffic accident involving two idiots to be settled by having them run their vehicles over each other. The one who dies is the guilty party, and should be tried in court.

Hopefully some of these suggestions can be implemented to make it a better world.

PS: Just so you know, i am following your 2009 idea to accept all suggestions of the wife, whether they are sensible or not. The amount of peace this simple statement has caused is alone enough to merit a Nobel peace prize for you. I bow to your genius.

Warm regards,

A humble devotee.

[Image courtesy: The Hindu]

[Editor’s note: It is good to be back to writing a piece here after a gap of a couple of months. For those of you wondering where i was hiding away, it was to complete work on my fiction novel ‘Amreekandesi – Masters of America’. It is out in stores in a month’s time. Watch this space for further updates.]

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22 Responses to “ Open Letter to Justice Katju ”

  1. deepu (@deePhuck) on March 31, 2013 at 8:42 am

    Good one!!!

  2. Vikas Prajapati (@vikaspraj) on March 31, 2013 at 12:50 pm

    This is super! Please write one to Sir Jadeja too :D

  3. Narendra Vikram Sing on March 31, 2013 at 1:58 pm

    Katju should get Noble Prize (not Nobel )Prize He is so noble can take up cases of celebrities only very conveniently ignoring case of Arun Sharma of Guwahati as reported in Times of India March 31.He is now taking up cases of Salman & Saif for pardon even before the cases are decided.
    Money makes the mayor go
    He criticizes the Honb’le Supreme Court judgement but no contempt of Court let off may be because former SC Judge

  4. Altz on March 31, 2013 at 2:04 pm

    Hahaha…a good Satirical one for Katju :D.
    and liked the definition of our generation : the one of gruelling IIT coaching and campus placements :P :P

  5. Ashutosh Mitra on March 31, 2013 at 4:48 pm

    Perfect, bang on target…

  6. Sulabh on March 31, 2013 at 6:11 pm

    The Supreme Court decision should be respected; Mr. Katju’s statements like 90% of the Indians are this … and 80% of the Hindus are that …. doesn’t seems like coming from a man who served as former CJI.

  7. Jitendra Rathod on March 31, 2013 at 6:27 pm

    Take a bow, man! Amazing. Katju is losing it. i thought, he was a man of substance, but nowadays, he starts putting a foot in his mouth before taking the other one out. LOL. In fact, ROFL!

  8. Arpit on March 31, 2013 at 8:26 pm

    http://www.thehindu.com/opinion/lead/this-plot-needs-a-new-ending/article4548129.ece
    the article might clear your thoughts over Katju’s stance.

  9. gvn on March 31, 2013 at 11:25 pm

    see the point is if there is a law then it has to be followed. Criminals when prosecuted and found guilty whatever the case is are liable for punishment. Take the case of rape in delhi..is it required to let them move free or punished….case whether small or big doesnot matter as justice is done in both. so if as per the writer’s choice then rape cases may be justified and everyone can roam free ….all case have loop holes and can be gotten away from punishment…..like mentally imbalanced and sit in mental asylum for a couple of years and then get back to society….hence judges decision are final and truly based o facts no sentiments and only based on evidence.

  10. gvn on March 31, 2013 at 11:28 pm

    hitting peddlers with wate balloons is a crime in many parts of the country other than ours…but this is india so hence no punishment….see going to office for a meeting and earning millions to the country and then u r hit with water and u r fired and then u lose a job and u suicide and ur family suicide and who is responsible for that my dear writer.

  11. gvn on March 31, 2013 at 11:31 pm

    talking about movies ….they take up ideal cases that r perfect to the human eye and blackmail indirectly as it relates to the indian culture…….se dear writer then if so called movies are already there why is india still the same….think a second for it

  12. Ankit Gupta on April 1, 2013 at 6:17 am

    An amazing piece of writing, exceptional satire. Simply brilliant!

  13. Rajneesh Chadha on April 1, 2013 at 12:44 pm

    Bang on man ! People like Justice Katju deserve eye opening. Yes, we may be bunch of over 1 billion humble and understanding people, but by any standards are not fools !

  14. Ram Chadha on April 1, 2013 at 6:10 pm

    All rapists,murderers,goondas,gun runners,bootleggers must be naturally exempted from any punishments is what i can make out from the honourable( ? ) mans comments,from a humble foolish indian

  15. Narendra Vikram Sing on April 1, 2013 at 10:56 pm

    Katju is also convinced Sanju Baba is a juvinile ie 33=3+3=6yrs old this could be Katju’s next plea

  16. abhishek on April 2, 2013 at 9:27 am

    he has definitely lost his marbles..

  17. Another Litigation Lawyer on April 2, 2013 at 11:01 am

    Excellent!!! sitting in my office and came across your “piece of art”, laughed my ass off. Bound to follow your posts now!!!

    Keep up the good work!

  18. vignesha21Vignesh Deshmukh on April 2, 2013 at 3:41 pm

    hats off to your brilliant writing! phew, you blew me away…
    perhaps, it will be very apt to have a VERY SPECIAL one time world AWARD in honour of retired justice Katju and not even think of bestowing such mundane awards as the Nobel prize on him and he should be given this award near the stautue of liberty…

  19. amreekandesi on April 2, 2013 at 11:16 pm

    Guys, thanks so much for all the appreciation. Glad you liked the piece!

  20. chandra on April 3, 2013 at 1:23 pm

    A good and deserved slap on Justice Katju .His interpretations are laughable

  21. Shankar Shaw (@shankar1958) on April 3, 2013 at 4:42 pm

    Really we all are Idiots because we are pursuing, selecting, voting, … them, so they act and react so……..

  22. Mahatma Gandhi himself on April 6, 2013 at 2:08 am

    An open comment to the author:
    You seem to be amongst those 90 % of Indians who are idiots.

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All content on this site is the personal opinion of the writer. It is in no way related to their employer or their official policies. Most of what is written here is in a satirical tone. If it hurts your sensibilities, I sincerely apologize.
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