Open Letter to Modi ji
Modi ji, Modi ji, Modi ji,
Last night, as I watched you address the United Nation General Assembly in Hindi, my chest swelled with pride. It was so refreshing to see someone showing respect to our culture and trying to instill a sense of national pride among Indians who suffer from a major colonial hangover. A nation where traffic police wallahs waive off offenders if they shout at them in English, where parents of toddlers fret that their otherwise perfect child only knows five-hundred English words, where the valet at a car park would refuse to park your Alto if you speak in Hindi.
You are such a great orator. So inspiring. Such a far cry from the last Prime Minister whose speakers had long since malfunctioned. Yours are like Bose in comparison.
I also liked how you told the UN about Yoga and its many benefits. About time we make it clear to the world that we invented Yoga before the white people annex this great Indian tradition with their shameless naked yoga studios and whatnot. Chee chee.
Pakistan ko to aapne dho daala sir. That’s just what they deserve. The entire country is in the gutter and yet they keep on harping about Kashmir. I hope you have already unfollowed Nawaz Sharif and unfriended him on Facebook. Two-faced loser.
Sir, your US visit is the stuff that makes history. TV channels are going giddy about your trip and have sent their rock-stars journalists onsite to provide detailed analysis on important issues such as the contents of each meal you consume and the number of times you use the word mitron during the day. One channel was running the telecast as ‘NaMo-ste America’. (LOL, even Congress has better slogan writers.)
When they get tired of shouting over each other in their panel discussions, when the dust settles down on Times Square, there will be only one person standing tall in the massive Madison Square Garden, chest swelling with 56 inches of sheer iron, more abdominal muscles than all the Khans combined.
You sir, are awesome. This may be too early to pronounce judgment on your tenure as India’s Prime Minister, but what a start it has been. You’ve started like Sehwag opening an innings against a hapless bowling attack; like Ajay Devgan smashing up the bad guys in Singham; like how I drive pretending to be Schumacher on the DND bridge before coming to an abrupt stop in the inevitable jam at Ashram.
S&P revised India’s outlook to stable from negative. Japan offered $35 billion of funding. China offered $20 billion. Mangalyaan is in Mars’ orbit. iPhone 6 got launched. Jayalalitha ji is in JAIL!? (From Amma to Aiyyo Amma. Tata to corruption.) The Chinese were put in their place at Chumar. Though sir, if they were so desperate to build bridges and roads in our territory maybe we should have let them do it before chasing them away, no? Talking of roads, even the road in front of my office finally got built. Acche din sir, acche din.
People are getting Twitter followers by the bucketful. Our selfies are getting hundreds of likes on Facebook. Xiaomi started selling their phones in India. Chetan Bhagat’s next book is out. My hair seems to be falling at a lower rate these days.
Even Hillary ji became a naani the day you landed in New York. It’s like you carry acche din with you sir. Wherever you go, you spread happiness. And this when till last year they were refusing to even let you visit their country. That’s such a travesty. What if you had to take a selfie at the Niagara Falls, or eat falafel from a New York thele-wala? I tell you sir the day isn’t far when there will be mexican men selling Dhokla and Khandvi from their roadside stalls all along 5th avenue. THAT would be your victory. Our victory. India’s victory.
Sir, talking of New York, just a few tips. The trick in the city is to blend in with the locals and not stand out as a tourist. To do this, try to never walk down 6th Avenue with a large map in your hand or a camera around your neck. New Yorkers respect all people as long as they are not tourists. Also, please make sure you tip any cab driver you hire. I know tipping is against our culture, but these amreekans get very offended if you tip any less than 10%. If you miss Indian food, you could try Chipotle. They make very good rajma-chawal. Starbucks already has chai, a proof of the growing importance of India in the world. Tickets to go up the Statue of Liberty get sold out in advance so please plan accordingly. DON’T buy any ‘I Love New York’ t-shirts without bargaining. New York markets are a bit like Janpath in this regard.
I just hope you have a good trip of New York and Washington DC. The one time I visited DC, me and the missus had to stand in line outside the Congress building for a few hours in freezing weather for a tour. Please carry a shawl or something and keep a box of Khakra handy in case you get hungry. There is a Starbucks close by in case you need a Pumpkin Latte.
I would have offered to send a copy of my book ‘Amreekandesi – Masters of America’ for tips on how to adapt to life in America, but I doubt you would have time to read. Waise given you are so tech-savvy, there is a Kindle edition too.
Sir we can’t wait to see more of the acche din that you are bringing to an India that got so italianised by the last government that every Punjabi wedding these days has made-to-order Pasta counters. PASTA!
Just one request – acche din to aa gaye, but raat mein light bahut jaati hai. If only you can help with acchi raatein also. The mosquitoes are killing me.
You’ve started like Sehwag. Please go on to make a triple-century.
[Image courtesy: UN]