Road Rage - A Survivor’s Guide

July 23, 2011

Last week, former cricketer Atul Wassan got beaten up for overtaking the Haryana CM’s security people in Gurgaon this week. This is just the latest in our long legacy of killing or maiming people over issues of national importance such as overtaking, a scratch on the car, or a few seconds delay in pulling away from a traffic light.

When it comes to Road Rage, we seem to have progressed through the levels faster than China could ever build fake replicas of Apple products. For the modern Indian, Angry Birds isnt just the latest rage in the virtual world. We embody the spirit of the game everywhere we go.

We ARE the angry birds.

While we cant go into the reasons for all this anger, we can direct readers to India TV and the profound analysis by their in-house potbellied swamiji with a tilak longer than the longest level stretch of road in Gurgaon.

However, what we can do is tell our precious readers how to survive the roads. There’s maniacs out there with balls bigger than genetically mutated watermelons. Follow our advise and thou shall come to no harm.

Here goes.

The one thing you can do that will make you safe forever is to find a ‘Jaat Boyz’ sticker and get it installed on the rear windshield of your car. Nobody messes with the Jaats.

Single ladies might want to find someone like The Great Khali (TM). He may limp around the house, eat a hundred rotis every hour and you probably wont be able to understand a word he says, but with him in the car nobody will EVER mess with you.

And that part about not understanding what he says actually works out perfectly because he will have lost the argument even before it began. Win-win.

On a more serious note, in a road accident, it is by default the mistake of the person driving the more expensive car. The lesser the number of wheels you are driving, the better the odds of your getting public sympathy. In case of a tie on the number of wheels, you go by the length of the car.

The person in the smaller car is the victim. The other one is the evil rich brat who must be heading out to a party with phoren models.

Be THAT person. No, the first one. Be the one driving the poorer vehicle.

Ideally you would just walk or maybe ride an Atlas cycle. If you must drive, dont go beyond the i10. Alto is safest.

When it comes to fancy cars, you can not have your cake and eat it too. Keep the Mercedes parked at home. Entertain your guests in the car. Saves you petrol, and the perennially parked car serves as a constant reminder to the neighbors of your awesomeness.

If this is too hard and you must show off, make sure you keep the car doors locked while out and about. This is very important.

Do not roll down the window. Make sure the car key is in your control. The professional road rager first goes after the key, thereby closing all escape routes. Except the one that would take you to the land of plenty. [Yes yes, the one where there is plenty of unadulterated milk, rivers are clean,  and there’s no charges for downloading music on iTunes.]

No matter what happens, do not step outside the car unless you look like Ajay Devgn from Singham. Or at the very least, SRK from Om Shanti Om.

Talking is for wimps. Real men let their guns talk. Perhaps the Tata people add testosterone to their tea, which might explain the presence of Sunny Deols all over the country.  [There’s no way Sunny Paaji could be that promiscuous. He is not like that.]

If you do decide to get out of the car, wear a helmet first.

Once outside, open up the dialogue with a quick left hook followed by two right uppercuts. Get back in the car, and run for your life.

There’s no other way out. Talking will not work. Reasoning will not work. Politeness will not work. Money might. Heck, money always works. Except in Gurgaon where everybody is a Bill Gates.

At any stage, if there’s the teeniest of doubt, just bend over. Fender bender - bend over. Water splashed on biker- bend over. Practice it well. You wont walk straight for a few weeks but still better than getting shot to death for a centimeter long scratch on the bumper of that white 2005 Maruti Alto with sunroof.

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5 Responses to “ Road Rage - A Survivor’s Guide ”

  1. Jyuthika on July 23, 2011 at 1:46 pm

    Hahahha, “We are the angry birds!” :D Loved it.

  2. Mee on July 23, 2011 at 3:18 pm

    The imbalance in our society is tremendous. The rich are resented deeply. TV presents oft the lives and times of the drunk rich notoriously well, so the resentment may not be misplaced after all.

    No matter how badly the situation is stacked; caution, caution and more caution can only be the interim solution

  3. Ankit on July 23, 2011 at 6:44 pm

    Yeah some ppl love to behave like jerks. Eyeballing and bashing fellow commuters is a way of life for them. The no. of ppl with short fuse is on a rise .
    But a hilarious article nevertheless.

  4. Rajinder on July 24, 2011 at 2:10 pm

    liked it. truly said.road rage is increasing. too much money has come to those who never deserved that and their family background/teachings is reflected in their behavior.
    it is good idea that in no case one should step out of his/her car and do not roll down the windows . In case of emergency , one should also have the option to use pepper spray on the offenders to escape.

  5. Driving in America | AmreekanDesi on September 20, 2011 at 10:15 am

    […] do they fill their papers if there are no sensational  road rage related stories to report? News of the economy, and world affairs? […]

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