Open Letter to Bilawal Bhutto

September 21, 2014

Dear Bilawal ji,

Pehle to wish you a very happy birthday. 26! Such a special age. Reminds me too of the time when i was young and stupid, though maybe not this much. As a special gift for your happy day, you are trending on social media and every Indian is talking about you. How’s that for neighborly love? Say thanks. Where are your manners, yaar?

I heard THAT video clip with great interest. The one where you said that you will make sure that you get every inch of Kashmir for Pakistan. Boss, such determination at this young age is something to be proud of. You should pat your back for having such clarity of thought when most Indians your age these days focus on cramming concepts of java and sql to get a job offer with a grand 50% hike at that Gurgaon MNC. Tells you something about misplaced priorities.

Bilawal Bhutto Speech

Going back to the speech. I love the raw josh and enthusiasm with which you spoke the words. ‘lawange lawange…kashmir…poora ka poora kashmir….pakistan da kashmir….lawange.‘ The way you raised your hands, pumped up the vocal cords, and spoke, like a WWE announcer, except that your voice hasn’t even broken yet, which made it sound more adorable than terrifying. Add to that your smashing looks, and boss, if i had been there, i would have kissed your cheek and pinched those shiny cheeks of yours out of purely platonic love. You sly fox, you are going to get votes from women for being cute and from men for this speech.

Boss, Kashmir to nahi mil payega. I mean you are cute and all that, you may have had an affair with the pretty lady minister whose handbag is worth more than the rest of Pakistan, but who said life is fair? You want Kashmir. Yo Yo Honey Singh wants a Grammy. I want an iPhone 6. Tough luck.

But we can manage another gift for you. A time machine. Yea baby, you heard it right. I can help you look into the future and see what life has in store for you.

There is a man, 44 years old, fair and lovely like you, youth heart-throb like you, England educated like you, born of political pedigree like you, and when he speaks it is the right mix of comedy and sincerity for his people. I present to you Rahul Gandhi. He is you, in 18 years. He is your time-machine. Just look at him to see what you are going to become. You’re welcome.

You know what all of India is thinking today? That India and Pakistan are so similar. We have the same cultures. We eat the same roti and butter chicken. We listen to the same pirated Bollywood music. Our Cricket teams are equally inconsistent and prone to temptations. Our Hockey teams had their moments of glory but now mostly suck at the world stage. Our politicians are a similar bunch of jokers. Our girls on both sides swoon when Shahrukh Khan opens his arms in his trademark gesture.

We have Rahul. They have you. See. Same to same.

Back to Kashmir. Come on yaar. Don’t look so sad. Okay we can try one thing. Why don’t you come on Arnab ji’s News Hour for a panel discussion and explain why you should get the state over which your country has got its ass whooped by India four times in the last 60 odd years? Fair deal?

If you can manage to speak ten complete uninterrupted sentences on his show, you can have the state. Bolo chalega? The only catch is that if you fail, you will watch Arbaaz Khan’s ‘Ma Tujhe Salaam’ on loop for a month and do the chicken- dance every time he says ‘doodh maangoge to kheer denge. Kashmir maangoge to cheer denge.’

[Image: Screengrab from this video]

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209 Responses to “ Open Letter to Bilawal Bhutto ”

  1. Sridevi on September 25, 2014 at 10:22 pm

    Huge fan of this piece. Nailed every line I must say!
    Kudos to the writer!
    And regarding the issue at hand - Dear Bilawal, if you truly cared about Kashmir, where were you when it was rampaged by floods?
    Just answer that one question.
    Over and out.

  2. pooja on September 26, 2014 at 2:20 am

    Very well written !! Love the way you wrote about that kid who does not yet know what he wants. We all need to wait for him to grow up to take him seriously :)

  3. hitu on September 26, 2014 at 3:02 am

    Yeh toh vahi baat hui ki g***d main dam nahi fir bhi hum kisi se kam nahin :D :D :D

    • Raj on September 29, 2014 at 10:12 pm

      Come on Guys, don’t be so harsh on someone who’s abbi bhi baccha. We have spared a gaddha at home, now why attack neighbor waala future gaddha. Let him grow and do not discourage him.

    • Mumbai on September 10, 2015 at 9:55 am

      Gaand me na ghu aur hugne chala Juhu. ;)

  4. Srk on September 26, 2014 at 2:18 pm

    Indian reached mars… Pakistan is still trying to reach kashmir????, so Mr. Bilawal Bhutto stop day dreaming ( dreams are dreams which cannot be real. So stop dreaming an face the real cruelties of life)

    • neighbour on October 19, 2014 at 12:46 am

      Modi’s vision : Build 500000….. toilets

      : on Mars

  5. dcg on September 26, 2014 at 3:13 pm

    pakistan mai ek aur “sheikh-chilli” paida ho gaya hai…naam hai “Bilawal Bhutto”.

  6. Dipti on September 26, 2014 at 5:00 pm

    Awesome! Hillarious….good going!

  7. Khayyam Soomro on September 26, 2014 at 5:22 pm

    I am a Pakistani and I abhore Bilawal. For him, you may say whatever you wish, but for foul mouthing Pakistan, my message is very simple for all Indians. Go fuck yourselves.

  8. Naveen on September 26, 2014 at 7:08 pm

    Seriously, i read this article just before leaving for the day after my Friday work, now i will be laughing for rest of the weekend for sure. Really it has hilarious, out burst humor!!!

  9. Shubham on September 26, 2014 at 7:31 pm

    pakistan is struggling to become a developing country….why u ppl want kashmir to make it even worse place……….i heard from someone that Mr.Bilawal ran from mental hospital to simply get highlighted his stupidity

  10. nk4591 on September 26, 2014 at 8:58 pm

    GREAT ARTICLE. Thanks a MILLION to the author/team responsible for writing this article. Proud to be an Indian!
    Hopefully, Mr Bilwal Ji gets the message and doesn’t take on any more pungaas with India on any cross border conflict/issues.

    Please continue to inspire us with such thought provoking articles.

  11. Adil on September 27, 2014 at 10:26 am

    Good one

  12. Sikander Khan on September 27, 2014 at 9:50 pm

    Dear Baby Belabal,

    I am surprised that you are Pakistani as 90% of your age passed in hiding you in other countries.

    Grow up!

  13. an indian on September 27, 2014 at 11:43 pm

    A true and a simple line for all the egoist Pakistani’s
    If u r bad …..then we r ur dad..:)

    You please don’t teach ur father hw to f**k

  14. pramod puri. on September 27, 2014 at 11:54 pm

    Arre Bilawal to bacha hai.He doesn’t deserve any reactions to his immature comment on Kashmir as if it’s a toy for him.

  15. rajesh on September 28, 2014 at 6:16 pm

    hahaha, well said. you should probably also ask where all these kashir-loving goons where when the indian soldiers were risking their life and limb to save flood stricken kashmiris !
    or do they only want the part of kashmir not affected by floods ? and only during the good times ?

  16. Arslan on September 28, 2014 at 7:53 pm

    Very witty article, but surely there are better ways of challenging each other rather than the unnecessary taunt of “whopping your ass 4 times”? can we build the better schools, the better electric grids, better social services and try to outdo each other in these area rather than who has the longer “missile”?

  17. Tehreem on September 29, 2014 at 3:57 pm

    I must say that the article was hilarious. But Kashmir walo se b puch lete hy k wo kya chahte hy.
    Fair enough?

  18. yourssanju on September 29, 2014 at 5:10 pm

    No need to discuss so much about time pass of a kid who was feeling bored and tried to creat some humor for himself by doing some kiddish masti….yaaro bachpaan mein hum saab time paas karte the na only difference is hum saab ke tareeke aalag aalag hai.

  19. Jai Hind on September 29, 2014 at 10:29 pm

    On behalf of India, we think about Pakistan is rouge country like any other in this world. It is a s*** place left by India, even world agree unanimously to mingle Pak with India, we are not in place to take that offer. Mr. A** H** Butto JI You are a such an idiot who is speaking with out knowing the war history B/N two neighbors. See seriously it would take 1 hr to smash entire pak, You can’t nuke us because, before it happens our nukes already smashes entire of Pak land. So better keep quite, go nd S*** your Hina Rabbani inverted Lips. Kutthala lanza kodaka, madalanja kodaka

  20. sumantra on September 30, 2014 at 9:39 pm

    The Pakistanis are straightforward and sometimes extremely stupid. The Indians are more devious, sometimes so smart that we fall for their line

    Richard Nixon

  21. Bawa on October 1, 2014 at 7:22 pm

    Beta, Dil behlane ko khail achha he. Sochte raho raat beet jaigi. Akal aa gai to irade Pak ho jainge.

  22. Sanjib Kumar Basu on October 3, 2014 at 12:04 pm

    Well, we are commenting on his speech but I strongly feel he doesn’t deserve that. I don’t think that people take jokers seriously.

  23. I'm Pakistani on October 6, 2014 at 9:06 pm

    Its totally understandable to criticise rather laugh over Baby Bhutto’s immature and childish speech. He has not only proved himself to be overly confident yet delusional and childish to India regarding Kashmir, he has been doing a great job making himself a joke to Pakistanis. Regarding Kashmir, u guys have It or we have it, what difference it makes as long as the people in Kashmir are happy. Their lives, their choices. As this topic has been around for ages that it has lost its value. Why criticise the countries ? U r Indians and live in India, we r Pakistanis and live in Pakistan. U r human and guess what? We as well ! I brought up abroad with a clan of Indian friends and they all were great and still are. What I want to know is that which socioeconomic class is always yapping about Indo-Pak issues still ? I can tell u who yapps in Pakistan about India being waste of space on the globe. It’s the elderly ! and the so-called ” Jazbati” kids who don’t have any exposure of life and got no clue what actually happened in Indo-Pak history. India has relatively high literacy rate, made it to Mars, quiet busy in learning IT, making progress. Let’s take a south Indian, works for high fi IT firm in west, earns loads but still lives in a student housing, sleeps on a floor in his sleeping bag. Wears white joggers bigger then his feet thinking they might grow into it. Saves up money as much as he or she can. That’s their choice ! If a Pakistani female politician has a thing for expensive hand bags, well it’s her choice. However, I must clarify one thing which is actually evidence based that Pakistan has got quiet a lot of wealth. Just Bcz we dont flaunt it dosent mean that we ain’t got it. So some people need to get the clear pic rather then making assumptions. India has run down places where the unfortunate poor live, we got the same. Indian local and international NGOs reach out to help these people, so does Pakistan. To end this, all I would say that don’t criticise the countries just Bcz they have some A-Holes so keep the focus on the A-Holes not the nation and the country.

    • amreekandesi on October 8, 2014 at 6:13 am

      Hello there, thanks for the comment. I promise i have nothing against the Pakistani common-man, who is as peace-loving as i am. It is the leaders who stir up trouble for their own vested interests and the entire nations get dragged into the mud.

      I am happy to see Pakistani people also commenting here and sharing their thoughts and viewpoints. Thank you, and no hard feeling :)

  24. I'm Pakistani on October 6, 2014 at 10:16 pm

    How many of the Indians here yapping about Kashmir have actually visited it ? Kashmir is being compared to ” Halwa”, ” Underwear”, ” Window seat in the metro”. The best one is ” giving Pakistan in Daan to Pskistanis”. Seriously, where r all of u from ? You managed to learn JAVA, C++, and made it to MARS!!!! Yet so much ” Jahalat” ? Baby Bilawal is a JOKE to us as well…. What’s that have to do with disrespecting each other’s home lands? Wish I could conduct a research to find out the demographics of foul mouths here from India. The average Indian I know is simply a gem of a friend, sincere, dosent talk such nonsense. Do these Indians only live abroad?

    • Kumar on November 3, 2014 at 9:47 pm

      Just FYI, more Indians have visited Kashmir than the entire population of Pakistan! And you really need to research into the economic health of your country before saying you dont love to flaunt it. Heck your politicians do all the flaunting with that bag and flying to Turkey to have kebabs in lunch LOL, what a sheer waste of money. While India is focusing on growth and development, Pakistan is still yapping about getting Kashmir! India does not WANT Kashmir since we already OWN it as part of our country just like other states but Pakistan is the one after it! Do you even know most economists around the world have started viewing Pakistan as a FAILED STATE? Pakistan really needs to get its act together if it doesnt want to end up like North Korea. Its high time your country thinks about the future of its children. May God bless them.

  25. pradip on October 10, 2014 at 9:22 am

    Bilawal To waiter : 1 Glass Doodh Dena.
    Waiter : Ye lo Kheer
    Bilawal : Are Kheer nahi 1Glass Doodh do.
    Waiter : “doodh maangoge to kheer denge. Kashmir maangoge to cheer denge.’

  26. Shail Sapra on October 12, 2014 at 5:07 am

    Maash Allah, khush kar diya.

  27. Ashok Kumar Das on October 16, 2014 at 12:33 pm

    The tone & language used by many readers in reference to the article is not in good taste.Not all Pakistanis are so bad as commented. The comments made by Mr Bilawal, who is hardly a Pakistani were immatured & foolish. Criticisim should have been directed at him only & not to Pakistanis. Pakistan has also realised by now (1965, 1971,2000) that it is extremely difficult to acquire Kashmir partly or fully. It is their Govt, all along, who have to sustain their tenure for material gains by spreading hatered against India, as most Govts have been a stooge in the hands of their Military. This is a political way of obtaining financial help from other foreign countries specially USA & other Muslim countries.However it is high time that the Present Indian Govt should revoke Art 370 from J&K & govern it like any other Indian state. No additional subsidies to them. We should stop Cricket & any cultural exchange programmes with Pakistan till situation returns to normal between the two states. We know our strength ,hence we should be firm & courteous in dealing with Pakistan. With all the best wishes to our loving neighbour Pakistan.This may be an open letter to our PM also

  28. Liberal Indian on October 28, 2014 at 12:01 am

    Can’t decide who is a bigger fool - Billo or Rahul ! Okay, Billo is more entertaining.
    Wish him many many years of keeping the people ROFL…
    And woe unto the heartless souls who pelted him with bottles, eggs and tomatoes in London yesterday.

  29. Sara on December 12, 2014 at 10:23 pm

    Such a badly written article. As expected of an average Indian writer. Thandi comedy with full of nationalism. Please do some creative work

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