Open Letter to the BCCI

Dear BCCI,

Not sure if you have been following up on current affairs lately, but there’s bad news. This India-England test series is proving to be the biggest disaster India has seen since RGV Ki Aag. The boys are being beaten black and blue.

If the English team is Emraan Hashmi, the Indians are proving to be that hapless heroine who keeps getting ravished throughout the movie.

To add to the irony, while India celebrated its Independence from the British last week, their cricketers were busy punishing our team for the 1942 Quit India movement. True to character, they wrested away our top spot in test cricket on Pakistan’s Independence day. Bastards.

If things weren’t horrible enough, Sachin Tendulkar still hasnt got that 100th century. He’s got close, but keeps missing it by narrow margins. With this heavy burden on his mind, how is he supposed to perform? It’s ridiculous.

Gandhian Anna Hazare is currently on a hunger strike, and there’s widespread speculation that the true reason is really to protest against the unfair treatment being meted out to Mr Tendulkar. His movement has gathered momentum, and shocked people across India are out on the streets in protest. For now they are only burning candles, but there’s no telling when buses come into play.

The only silver lining is that Nerolac is planning to come up with a whitewash ad playing on this series which will hopefully provide employment to some of our cricketers.

It’s all quite sad. The poor guys are trying so hard, and everybody is just making fun.

And they keep playing that insurance ad where Yuvi worries about bad form [“Jab tak balla chalega, tab tak thaath hai. Jab nahi chalega to fir…followed by a gut wrenching stare into oblivion]. Opportunistic rascals.

Seeing the sad state of affairs, we thought we’ll pitch in with some ideas of our own, for the greater cause. Here’s a few suggestions that you guys could discuss at one of your strategy sessions where you brain storm ideas to improve Indian cricket, bring about world peace, reduce poverty, and other such intellectual stuff.

First of all, just get test cricket outlawed. Everybody knows about your clout in the world of cricket. Test cricket is a waste of time and productivity, and truly deserves to go anyway. Na rahega baans, na bajegi bansuri, as Aristotle once said.

Let’s say we play 10 tests in a year. That’s 50 days of cricket. Mithun da could shoot an entire movie in Ooty in less than that. With an item number to boot. Ad shoots take much less. Veterans such as our cricketers could easily knock off a Pepsi advert in a day. 50 such days, and we’re talking of a a huge loss of revenue. Potentially hundreds of crores. Anybody who needs further reasoning really needs to get their brain checked.

Next thing you need to do is get the ICC to confer a honorary 100th century on Sachin Tendulkar. The poor guy is bogged down with the burden of expectation. He deserves it. L’Oreal is quite likely waiting to sign him up as a brand ambassador once he gets there. Even imagining Sachin Tendulkar holding a shampoo at arm length and proudly proclaiming ‘Because i am worth it.’ gives me the goosebumps.

Do this now. We all owe it to the great man. Go, make that phone call.

Another useful approach could be for the Indians to watch a Rocky movie every time they go out on the field. They are terribly inspiring and could help keep the Indians focus on matters on the field rather than pending ad payments and other such logistics that no doubt worry them far too much.

And please just ignore the haters who falsely believe that motivation is the team’s problem, and keep harping on about how the players are just interested in working for ads. I mean, give the lads a break. They’ve got to eat too, no?

The next time someone says that the Indians are overworked, ill smack them personally.

Please! Overworked? Let the haters visit an IT office in Bangalore and look at people working late nights everyday without a grumble. They dont complain about being overworked while sobbing to sleep every other night.

Just look at the millions of highly educated folks who work tirelessly for a fraction of the amount the cricketers make, and then say that they are overworked. Just look.

The whiners need to shutup. Our cricketers are fine. A few back-to-back series never killed anyone.

Maybe you could ask the boys to do ads that involve some running around, or doing stuff like catching a ball or diving to stop a boundary.

They call it mixing work with play. That might help.

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Tags: india england test series, indian cricket humiliation, lords, tendulkar 100th century