Open Letter to the Mayan People

January 10, 2013

Dear Mayan people,

The world did not end. Thank you for nothing. Actually, thank you for giving us the biggest disappointment since Tushar Kapoor. I mean, what the hell? Do you know the damage your miscalculation has caused us humans?

The world will end. The world will end. The world will end. Been hearing this nonsense for many years now, and just when we had started to believe it and had prepared ourselves for the upcoming devastation, what happens? NOTHING. Forget a Tsunami, there was no water in our house all day on 21st December. Water, water, supposed to be everywhere. Water, water, bloody nowhere. No earthquakes. No volcanoes. No massive comets hitting the earth, and i spent the day staring at the sky hoping to be the first to post pictures on Twitter when it started. Waste of time.

 You just can’t make us rush with our preparations for the end of the world, and then suddenly extend the deadline. What are you, the income tax department?

Do you seriously even realize the importance of what you’ve done? High in confidence of the world coming to an end, people had been living like there is no tomorrow. Stupid jokes on the apocalypse. Grotesque crimes committed in the hope that there would be no need for court hearings. Many others blew up their life savings on travel, buying BMWs and Audis, including the more adventurous ones who first bought iPhones and then spent the week using them on a prepaid data plan.

One of my friends emptied his bank account, encashed all of his Fixed Deposits, dug up the family treasure hidden under the kitchen floor, bunked his office for a month and went on a world tour. The guy covered 20 countries, stayed at the poshest hotels, drank the most expensive wines, and maxed out all of his credit cards, happy in the knowledge that it will be okay. The poor guy is now applying for a job under NREGA. Every time I talk to him he bursts into tears before placing a hand on his chest and chanting ‘All Is Well’. It clearly isn’t; the poor guy is ruined.

Rahul Gandhi campaigned, and won, just 8 seats for the Congress in Gujarat. If he had only showed up in the other constituencies, it might have been game over for the BJP. But guess he also got taken in by your hype, and took it easy. Dear Mayans, i am beginning to think you were actually a right-wing conspiracy to make sure Narendra Modi won the elections in Gujarat. This is very disappointing.

Not cool at all.

And now look what you have done. Just look at the newspapers and bow your head in shame. All this crime. Such grotesque actions by people against hapless men and women, mostly the latter. A government that responded to a democratic protest with lathi-charges and teargas. This is what happens when something that is supposed to happen doesn’t. This is a world past its expiry date. Have you ever eaten an expired aspirin tablet? They don’t taste well, and you get an enema.

Even Pakistan, that miserable excuse of a nation, is going offensive on us. No, make that barbaric. A country that is pretty much a failed economy, kills two Indian soldiers and decapitates one of them? In a logical world, this would never happen. Never. Isn’t India like the hottest nation right now – emerging economy, spending lakhs of crores on defense projects, getting FDI by IKEA, and all that? Our men aren’t safe. Our women aren’t safe. Our soldiers aren’t safe. What is your point, man?

Add the bitter cold, and it’s just like we are living in a hostile post-apocalypse world. A world where everybody spends their time fighting everybody else. Where if the cold doesn’t kill people, an illegal handgun does. Where everyday is an adventure in survival, only we didn’t even get the courtesy of feeling cool about surviving a dramatic end-of-the-world event. We still need to go to office, brave the commute, pay high prices for everything from milk and petrol to Jack Daniels. This was not what we had in mind for 2013. Life after the apocalypse was supposed to be a nature-show out of National Geographic channel, not a particularly freaky episode of CID.

I think this also explains the cricket team’s performance of late. They seem to be losing to anybody who asks. Surely they are also feeling the stress of having to perform at a time they hadn’t planned for. Perhaps this is also the reason Tendulkar retired from ODIs, disappointed that he was still expected to play at an age where most others spend their evenings completing their children’s homework. And only you are to blame for all of that. Well, besides the batsmen, bowlers, the weather and the pitch.

It is very depressing for the people looking forward to the apocalypse to go back to their normal lives now. Back to the rat-race. People will need to return to driving like jerks on the road. Our MPs will need to attend more Parliament sessions, shout for an hour before the house gets adjourned. Our good PM will need to face more criticism, and respond to it by, well, his silence.

Do you know how disappointing all of this is, when we had made up our minds otherwise?

Don’t do this the next time, ok? Or be prepared to face Arnab.

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