Dummy’s Guide To Staying Safe In Modern India

Newspapers these days are full of reports about people having all sorts of weird things happen to them. Murders over parking slots, rapes, thefts, acid attacks, battered kids slammed against walls, Abhishek Bachchan having a baby, and what not.

Makes you long for the good old days of chain snatchings, tires being stolen from under your parked car, and the weekly episode of Superhit Muqabla on DD2 to brighten up our Sunday nights.

But what will you do? All countries on the cusp of greatness go through their crazy moments. In a few years, or more realistically - a few centuries, we will get over this Banana Republic phase. That, or there won’t be any more people left to kill or rape. Then we will be able to focus on Gandhi’s true mission of world domination.

For now, here’s some tips on how to stay safe till India becomes a more inhabitable place.

Prevention is Better than Cure

Thinking of going out to India Gate for an ice-cream? A club in Gurgaon on Friday night? A New Years’ eve party?

I have five words for you. What the hell is wrong with you? Ok, seven, but more importantly, why do you need ice-cream? Can’t you eat something more Indian, like Parle-G bicsuits? Or Musli power?

And club? Really? Why, you loose (wo)man, do you want to do that? Get a room. Find some speakers, a bottle of IMFL, smoke whatever it is that you do , and be done with it. Going out is like opening the screws on the back of your laptop. Voids the warranty instantly. Sensible people don’t do that.

Don’t go out anywhere, and you face no problems. Noone stalks you. Noone can grope you on the Metro. On the road, you can’t get rear-ended by a Scorpio with dark black windows, and then be stabbed for not apologising.

You save petrol, reduce your carbon footprint, avoid overpriced food/alcohol sold at fancy places, AND you get to live. It’s a win win situation.

A Stitch in Time Saves Nine

This one is quite simple. Cover up. Wear a Burqa if you can.

The advantages of wearing full clothes are many. You protect yourself from mosquitoes and sun-burn, you help promote the local textile industry and people in Gurgaon know immediately that you are not available for a rape attempt.

So get that sewing kit, and stitch up. It will do wonders to your confidence, well-being, and to India’s crime statistics.

Gandhiji’s 3 Monkeys

See no evil. Hear no evil. Speak no evil.

Don’t mess with anyone. Don’t fight strangers on the road if they smash your car from behind. If in doubt, just bend over and apologize. If you must shout, control your emotions, go home and fight with the wife. She’ll froth at the mouth, curse and shout, but at least she won’t kill you. Hopefully.

Needless to say, this is more of a back up plan in case you fail to agree with the first principle and decide to head outside the house for whatever reason.

So it really boils down to that. Don’t get out of the house if you want to stay alive.

Opinions are for Donkeys.

…and Chetan Bhagat, whose inspiring ToI columns convert our Sundays into Fundays.

But he’s a rare breed, and statistically speaking, you are probably nowhere close to his level of intellect and influence. So keep your opinion to yourself. Or be prepared to answer the Big Brother, who watches your every move. ND Tiwari will vouch for that.

You got that Twitter account to voice your political thoughts - very good. Just make sure you don’t criticize anyone important. Which in simpler terms is anyone powerful enough to get away with killing you in cold blood.

BJP is fair game. The way they are going, they will forever keep the opposition benches warm. You can crack Gadkari jokes without any fear. Everybody else is always in with a chance, so make sure you don’t joke about important people, like Diggy Singh, central cabinet ministers, and even B-grade celebs like Rahul Gandhi and our good Prime Minister.

In general, politics is tricky. Tweet about what you ate instead. People always love the #nowhaving tweets. Movie reviews. Fart jokes. They always work. You get RTs and new followers. Twitter followers only, no one from CBI. Don’t mess with the powers-to-be and you won’t go to jail.

So there…follow these and be happy forever. Or till the world ends later this year.

That’s it for now. You may send in your thanks for increasing India’s average life expectancy by some 20-30 years.

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