Dear Bollywood, Be A Sport

September 26, 2014

Year after year, it is the same story. India goes to the Olympics and gets lesser medals than the number of hit movies involving Uday Chopra. India goes to the Asian Games and gets overshadowed by China. The only event where we seem to get some respect is the Commonwealth Games, and that too only because China never got pwned by the British.

Why? Why must we bear this disappointment of not being good in sports when we have a treasure trove of sports-persons right here.

I was reading the newspaper and getting depressed about our sports performance. And then i turned the page and saw THIS.

I spilled the cup of tea in my hand and my first reaction was - what the hell, man? How can they print such disturbing images on the front page?

This is so BAD. I mean, Hrithik ne to body bana li, but what happens when the wives of IT people look at him and then smirk looking at their pot-bellied husbands? This is just not done. This guy is forty years old and has more muscles than the last few generations of my entire extended Punjabi family. I hurriedly hid the paper before my wife could look at it.

Look at his hair! Look at his muscles! I mean i also have 6 pack abs, but i keep them safe under layers of aloo paranthas and paneer tikka, not shamelessly flaunt them like this. How will he manage in winters if he  doesn’t develop the habit of wearing a shirt?

Anyway, coming back to the point. At the ongoing Asian Games, China already has 80 gold medals. India has 2. Two! A nation of 1.25 billion people and only a handful of gold medals? We have more national languages per-capita than the number of gold medals we have EVER won at the Olympics.

And then it struck me, like a light bulb going off in Chacha Chaudhary’s mind. An epiphany.

We need strong, fit people with athletic bodies to represent the country. Healthy? Athletic? Strong bodies?

Bam. Bada Boom. Kazam.


We’ve had world-class athletes all along.

Remember Aamir Khan cycling away to glory in Jo Jeeta Wohi Sikandar? With a few more years of training, he could have well gone on to win the Tour De France, without any doping or lying about it. In his present shape, he could well have been the first person ever to simultaneously be the bantam-weight world boxing champion AND the Olympics cycling gold-medalist.

Talking of boxing, remember how our boxers struggled to win the finals at the recent Commonwealth Games? Now remember Sunny Deol’s 2.5 kg fists? Ye dhai kilo ka haath jab padta hai to aadmi uthta nahi hai, uth jaata hai. Do we need anything else? Sunny Paaji alone could win us enough gold to finish India’s fiscal deficit forever.

Even in Equestrian we could win plenty by channeling the brilliant skills of people like Ajay Devgan, a man who can ride not one, but two horses together. Looking at some of his recent movies, he could also represent us in shooting and wrestling, thereby saving the cost of sending multiple athletes for different sports.

In athletics, we already have a brilliant actor who is fully trained in the nuances of sprinting and spent months filling up buckets with his sweat as he ran like a cheetah on the by-lanes of Bollywood studios. Why can’t we just send Farhan Akhtar to the Olympics to run the 400 m? He will win medals and then regale fellow-athletes with his songs. The guy is talent personified.

Man, there is so much talent overflowing in Bollywood and we’ve been blind to it for so many years.abs1

Look at Shahrukh, Salman and Aamir. Look at those bodies.  We should send these hunks to Olympics to win medals in Wrestling, Boxing, Judo and Karate. I suspect half of their opponents will just give a walkover looking at those scary 10-pack abs.

Like the nuclear deterrent, this is the abdominal deterrent, baby.

When they return we should air-drop posters of the above image all over China and Pakistan and bring in a lasting period of peace that no atomic bomb could ever achieve.

Howzat for a win-win situation?

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3 Responses to “ Dear Bollywood, Be A Sport ”

  1. Amlistening on September 26, 2014 at 9:25 pm

    Good one AD…our actors r definitely competition even for Hollywood team..

  2. Suksham on September 27, 2014 at 9:04 am

    It’s amazing ,heartening to read your articles,where do you get such hilarious ,out of the world ideas dear Amreekandesi .

  3. DG on October 21, 2014 at 8:30 am

    This is so freaking hilarious!! Air dropping posters on China - that idea alone can bring the next Nobel peace prize for you. Youv got to do one for the TV serials. BTW I hope you have kept your contacts in the US, just in case you need a job again ;) if you know what I am referring to.

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